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Keyword: satire

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  • Feds May Take Control of Elections [semi-satire]

    08/07/2016 10:49:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    In response to GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s concerns that the November elections may be rigged, President Obama moved to assert an unprecedented federal role in the voting process. At the president’s direction, Homeland Security Jeh Johnson would be tasked with ensuring that “the process is protected from unwanted manipulation by unauthorized elements.” “A tainted election process would undermine faith in the legitimacy of the outcome,” Johnson pointed out. “It would be a threat more severe than a terrorist attack. I have been granted a wide latitude from President Obama to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure a valid...
  • Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

    08/07/2016 9:10:36 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 48 replies
    Anonymous Mags ^ | August 7, 2016 | Anonymous Mags
    Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study report. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. “These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have...
  • Pope's Contention that Islam Is Peaceful Takes Hit [semi-satire]

    08/06/2016 11:17:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis' belief that Islam is a religion of peace was expressly contradicted by Boko Haram leader Abu Masab Al-Barnawi this week in an interview published in Al-Naba Newspaper. The Islamic terrorist vowed "to kill every Christian and blow up every church until all are for Islam in Nigeria and the world." Al-Barnawi cited Christian charities as "the aggressors in this battle for men's souls. They prey upon the victims of calamities, seducing them with food, shelter, and medical supplies. They insidiously tempt them with kindness and mercy to turn them away from Allah's command to submit to Islam and...
  • Obama Disputes Iran Ransom Claim [semi-satire]

    08/05/2016 4:16:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama disputed claims that a planeload of $400 million in cash sent to Iran was a payment for the release of four Americans held hostage by the regime. He dismissed the simultaneous arrival of the plane carrying the cash with the departure of the plane carrying the hostages as "coincidental." Brian Stelter of CNN cited this coincidence as "proof GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's claim to have seen a video of the exchange is delusional. I have it on good authority that the video of the so-called ransom payment doesn't exist." As it turns out, the "good authority" cited...
  • Anonymous Leaks Clinton Foundation Payoff to Khan

    08/04/2016 12:44:55 PM PDT · by TigerClaws · 52 replies
    Over the past weekend and for the past few days since asinine Khan spoke alongside his goofy wife Ghazala Khan about their son, U.S. Army Captain Humayun Khan, who was killed in Iraq in 2004, incompetent mainstream media pundit, editors, producers, and anchors have been hammer-bashing Trump over what should have never been a matter. Crooked Hillary and her merry-band of moron pundits thought they had a good one, a specific line of attack that pitted Trump against the military—and supposedly showed him as a big meanie racist in the process. However, as Breitbart News reported on Monday midday, that...
  • 'Deceased' FBI Agent Found At Trump Tower With Silenced Pistol

    08/04/2016 4:28:42 PM PDT · by Blood of Tyrants · 282 replies
    Get off the BS ^ | 8/2/16 | Brian Michael
    A source within the NYPD has reported that an armed 62 year old man tried to sneak in to the Trump Tower late Tuesday night. Interestingly the suspect who was found with a semi-automatic handgun fitted with a silencer has been identified as Barry Lee Bush, a former Newark NJ FBI agent who has been dead since 2007. A Secret Service agent discovered Bush after he had circumvented a security partition on the bottom floor of the Trump Tower. Questioned by Secret Service at the scene, Bush who initially identified himself as Barry Franklyn, remained silent offering no explanation for...
  • Obama Hails Economic Progress During His Administration [semi-satire]

    08/02/2016 9:14:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    In his speech at the Democratic Convention President Obama contended that "by so many measures, our country is stronger and more prosperous than it was when we started." Unfortunately, a number of key statistics seem to contradict that assessment. There are 3 million more people in poverty. Household incomes for those in the bottom 20% declined. Nearly 9 million more individuals are receiving food stamps. And 14 million have left the workforce. Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that "these statistics need to be properly interpreted. Before we leap to a hasty conclusion that the President's policies have been ineffective let's...
  • Clinton Campaign Disses Idea of Press Conferences [semi-satire]

    08/01/2016 9:57:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    One tradition that has been notably absent from Hillary Clinton's campaign for the presidency has been press conferences where the media are invited to query the candidate. "We'll have a press conference when we want to have a press conference," Clinton pollster Joel Benenson said on ABC News this past week. "Our candidate is under no legal obligation to answer to the press. We will control what is said to whom and when it will be said. We acknowledge that this may be inconvenient from the media's perspective, but they'll just have to bear with it." Benenson also pointed out...
  • John Kerry Reaches New Height of Idiocy [semi-satire]

    07/31/2016 10:56:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Secretary of State John Kerry reached a new height of idiocy this past week by suggesting air conditioners were just as dangerous as ISIS. The remarks came in Vienna where Kerry was representing the US in negotiations aimed at reducing emissions that contribute to global warming. “Granted, the terror attacks carried out by these misguided individuals are splashy,” Kerry observed. “Dozens die and even more are maimed and injured, but the fact is that these effects are small-scale and of limited duration and consequence. We easily overlook some of the offsetting benefits. The people killed cease to be carbon emitters....
  • Paul Ryan touts conservative credentials in re-election bid against Paul Nehlen.

    07/31/2016 8:01:28 AM PDT · by GeorgiaDawg32 · 40 replies
    Liberal Lunacy ^ | 7/31/2016 | Liberal Lunacy Staff/REM
    Paul Ryan is in the re-election fight of his life. A representative for Ryan issued the following statement regarding the election effort: “Representative Ryan is standing on his conservative credentials in this election cycle against Paul Nehlen. As Speaker of the House, Mr. Ryan has battled President Obama at every turn to keep Obama from instituting his agenda”. “Without his resistance, President Obama would have expanded the role of government, raised taxes and would have attempted to curtail gun rights. Thanks to Representative Ryan, those agenda items have been held in check". “Now, more than ever, we need Paul Ryan...
  • Trump Places Competence Ahead of Compassion [semi-satire]

    07/30/2016 5:41:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Vice-President Joe Biden explained the difference between a Clinton and a Trump administration in a raucous speech to the Democratic National Convention, contending that Trump’s catchphrase from his Apprentice reality show “’you’re fired,’ reveals a gaping existential chasm between Democrats and Republicans.” “Just because a person can’t handle a job doesn’t mean he doesn’t need that job,” Biden pointed out. “Yet, Trump would callously cast employees aside based merely upon performance. Is this the kind of man we want to place at the head of our government?” “In contrast, our nominee has the compassion to understand that competence is not...
  • Democratic VP nominee Urges Voters to Trust Hillary Clinton [semi-satire]

    07/30/2016 11:43:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Freshly nominated Democratic Party candidate for vice-president Sen Tim Kaine took up the delicate issue of whether voters could afford to trust running mate Hillary Clinton. "We've heard that her use of an insecure non-government computer server for her emails was too risky," Kaine recounted. "We've heard that her neglect of security for the Benghazi Consulate was a dereliction of duty. We've heard FBI Director James Comey characterize her handling of classified information as 'extraordinarily careless.' We've seen that she lied on numerous occasions in efforts to conceal her illegal and dangerous behavior. However, I am asking voters to look...
  • Democrats Accuse Trump of Treason [semi-satire]

    07/29/2016 6:10:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    The Wikileaks release of 20,000 Democratic National Committee emails show how Party officials rigged the presidential primary campaign to favor Hillary Clinton over Sen Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) confirmed what many have suspected for the last six months. DNC Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) was quick to initiate a narrative blaming Russia for hacking into the DNC's server. "That a foreign government with a long-running enmity to America could so easily break into confidential computer files of the Democratic Party is a matter of serious concern," she alleged. "The public exposure of our private communications could influence the outcome of the...
  • Hillary's Administration (satire)

    07/29/2016 1:58:59 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet
    7/29/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Here's a quick look at the Hillary Clinton Administration. Missing for 16 years, dishes, silver and furnishings are discovered in the WH. Employees and guests will have to use port-a-potties located behind the WH because WH ground floor bathrooms have been converted to house WH E-mail servers. HSBC to be contracted to operate all of the WH laundry operations. AG LA Lynch's office moved to a refurbished C-130 on the tarmac of the Phoenix airport with a B of A branch office located within to support financial transactions. Goldman Sachs contracted to run the Treasury Department which will eliminate the...
  • DNC Crowd Erupts As Kermit Gosnell Gives Surprise Speech From Prison (Satire)

    07/29/2016 11:12:34 AM PDT · by Morgana · 2 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | July 28, 2016 | staff
    PHILADELPHIA, PA—Rumors had been floating around the 2016 Democratic National Convention all week about a “special surprise speaker” set to address the crowd on its final day. That speaker turned out to be Kermit Gosnell, infamous abortion provider and barbaric serial killer of born-alive infants, who was beamed in to speak Thursday from the Huntingdon prison where he is currently serving life without the possibility of parole. After being introduced as “champion of women’s rights, martyr for the greater cause, and fearless liberator, Dr. Kermit Gosnell,” the audience erupted into a frenzied applause which lasted more than ten minutes. Planned...
  • PRAVDAMERIKA, the new media platform!

    07/28/2016 4:41:05 PM PDT · by libertarian27 · 13 replies
    People's Cube ^ | Jully 28, 2016 | Minitrue
    Glorious news, comrades! Finally the hour has arrived. No more browsing the web for the Kurrent Truth™. From now on, all news networks will be fused, by decree of Dear Leader himself. The Pravdamerika will report to you the Truth! Not the nasty truth like in the so-called "reality," but the korrekted, pleasant Kurrent Truth™ of the Party. It will be like a balmy spring rain for a thirsty proletarian peasant. At the last council of (evil) the proletarian korrectified media, it was decided that cooperating in one big mainstream media superpower would be far more efficient in the eternal...
  • WHY EVERYONE NEEDS TO STUDY CRITICAL RACE THEORY

    07/27/2016 3:13:57 PM PDT · by dynachrome · 16 replies
    Critical Race Theory, or CRT, is the study of systemic racism and how it relates to society, law and economics. The subject began in liberal universities in the 1980s, and has gained a lot of traction over the last three decades, as more attention has been brought to the rampant racism in American society. CRT has since been adopted by a large number of colleges, and is now offered as an undergraduate course at many progressive universities. However, CRT is yet to make it into school curricula, despite the demands of many progressive groups urging the states and Federal government...
  • Miami Police Explain Shooting Unarmed Man [semi-satire]

    07/25/2016 9:23:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Charles Kinsey, a behavioral therapist trying to aid an autistic patient was shot by Miami police this week. In the incident, Kinsey was lying on the ground with is hands up. Nevertheless, he was still shot in the leg by one of the responding officers. John Rivera, the President of the Dade County Police Benevolent Association attempted to explain this egregious example of unnecessary and excessive force, calling it "an unfortunate accident. First of all, the police received an anonymous tip that there was a suicidal man with a gun in that area. Right away, the responding officers are thinking...
  • Nearly Half of TSA Employees Cited for Misconduct [semi-satire]

    07/24/2016 8:07:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 July 2016 | John Semmens
    According to a report from the House Homeland Security Commission, nearly half of the TSA’s 60,000 employees have been cited for misconduct in recent years. The trend is not encouraging either. Citations have increased by 28% over the last two years. The top five offenses include unaccounted for absences, failure to follow instructions, improper screening & security, neglect of duty, and disruptive behavior. TSA Administrator Peter Neffenger sought to downplay the issue by pointing out that “despite unmanned posts, inappropriate groping petty theft, and abusive behavior by our employees no flights have been hijacked on my watch.. To me, these...
  • Prominent Democrats blame Trump for Wikileaks DNC e-mail dump

    07/24/2016 4:48:27 AM PDT · by GeorgiaDawg32 · 90 replies
    Liberal Lunacy ^ | 7/24/2016 | Liberal Lunacy Staff/REM
    A prominent anonymous source within the DNC has issued the following statement: “The Democratic Party is the party for anyone and everyone who wants to run for President. We support all candidates equally and with shared enthusiasm. To think the DNC conspired against the esteemed Senator Sanders is ludicrous on its face”. “We have gone through the e-mails “supposedly” from Debbie Wasserman-Shultz and find NO e-mails from Trump to Wikileaks which co-ordinated this vile attack on Democrats. We find that troubling”. “Someone of Mr. Trumps means is surely able to co-ordinate, fund and work with other nefarious individuals to accomplish...