Free Republic

Los Angeles, CA — Axl Rose, lead singer of the legendary band Guns N Roses, has recently revealed to the world a secret he has kept to himself for over 45 years. He is a transgender man. He was born Willmena Rose, as a female. Axl Rose was born in 1962 to a 16-year-old Mother in Lafayette, Indiana. His birth name was Willmena Bruce Rose. Rose’s dad left the family soon after to pursue a career in drinking. At age 6, after Rose’s Mom remarried, Willmena began acting as boys do, eating dirt and throwing rocks properly. She began dressing...

Saying he is tired of waiting for the legislature to take action, Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-Va) issued an executive order restoring voting rights to convicted felons. The move is expected to add more than 200,000 Democrats to the state’s voter rolls. “Ours is a government of, by, and for the people,” McAuliffe said. “This means all the people. For better or for worse, criminals are part of society. As members of society they are entitled to the human right to vote, to choose who will represent their interests in the halls of government.” The Governor brushed aside Republican objections, calling...

Long-time Democratic insider, and current CNN political correspondent, Bob Beckel predicted that "Hillary will be elected president even if she's in jail on election day. The American people don't care about emails or computer security. Their expectations are that those they elect to lead them will rise above a literal compliance with the law in order to more effectively wield the power that is necessary to govern the nation." Beckel discounted the possibility that Clinton's legal troubles would pose any impediments to her assumption of the presidency. "I'd say that by winning in November she will have been effectively 'pardoned'...

Legislation that would declassify a portion of the 9/11 Commission report on the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001 "will be vetoed by the President" said Press Secretary Josh Earnest "because it would disclose that government officers in Saudi Arabia provided the 'seed money' for al-Qaeda and, thus, do irreparable damage to the relationship between our two countries." "While there is no evidence that aiding al-Qaeda was the official policy of the Saudi government there is evidence that lower ranking government officials may have been involved," Earnest admitted. "Should the Saudi government have done a better...

Following the announcement of Harriet Tubman becoming the new face of the 20 dollar bill the Treasury Department revived a plan to also replace Alexander Hamilton on the 10 dollar bill with another female pioneer in American History. Glamour Woman of the Year award winner Caitlyn Jenner. For the selection committee tasked with finding Hamilton's replacement the decision to go with Jenner was an easy one. "How many women in our country's history win Olympic gold competing against men?" said Dane. "I mean, you've got to be really tough to do that, I heard she even lived like a man for...

A San Francisco bay area resident is accusing the bakery staff at the local Whole Foods of adding an "extremely offensive" three-letter slur that starts with a "G" to a cake custom cake ordered at the store. The cake in question was commissioned to say "Love Wins" at the top, but upon receipt of the cake Gianny Limpschtick claims that someone at the Whole Foods wrote "GOP" below. "I can't even say look at it much less say it," said Limpschtick. "I'm not only upset because the cake has been ruined, but San Francisco is a safe space, and that...

Citing "genitalia discrimination," a transgender woman is suing the government to write regulation requiring the installation of urinals in women's bathrooms. "I want to have the right to use the bathroom for the gender I identify with," said the woman who asked to go by the name Venus. "It's really very simple. I may or may not go through with the operation. If I choose not to I shouldn't have to spent the rest of my life feeling like bathrooms can't be a safe space for me because I have to sit down when I could just whip it out...

SATIRE (Or is it?) HOLLYWOOD, CA—Fresh off recent blockbusters such as Noah and Exodus: Gods and Kings, multiple Hollywood studios confirmed Thursday that they are looking forward to creating even more terrible Christian movies featuring wild inaccuracies and an offensive departure from the truth as presented in the Bible. “We love what we do,” Warner Brothers Vice President Lance Metriculo told reporters. “Take the movie Noah. Originally, we tested a very ‘blah’ movie, without a misanthropic, baby‐hating Noah, drug‐addled Methuselah, or stone golem Nephilim. Boy did we dodge a bullet there, we laughed, after we made all those changes! Then...

A study released by Security Scorecard found that all levels of government had a worse record of cyber security than major business firms. In measures of vulnerability to malware and security breaches, federal, state, and local governments ranked at the bottom. Education, telecommunications and pharmaceutical industries were almost as bad. Information services, construction, food and technology were the best. Of the 600 government entities tracked, NASA performed the worst. Other low-performing government organizations included the U.S. Department of State. This latter revelation was jumped on by the Hillary Clinton for President campaign as "a total vindication of Secretary Clinton's decision...

After being closed since late March, Oriental’s public restroom is again open. The town has been able to hire a certified Gender Compliance Officer. Located by the harbor near the new Town Dock, Oriental’s public bathroom opened to great acclaim in December. However, the Town was forced to quickly shutter the facility when the NC legislature passed HB2 on March 26. NC Law HB2 mandates that “users of public restrooms use bathrooms corresponding to the gender on their birth certificate.” Without a way to check birth certificates, bathroom use had to be shut down, or the town was vulnerable to...

I am executive vice president and chief legal officer of The Trump Organization. I have been working with Donald Trump for over 19 years. I am an observant, committed Jew. What comes to my mind when I think of Donald Trump? Inspiration. He inspires people of all kinds to work hard and do their best. He inspires people to dream and fosters an environment where people can advance their dreams. He will not take no for an answer, and he crafts creative solutions to problems. Loyalty. Many of his employees have worked for him for 20 to 30 years or...

Vice President Biden is pictured above reacting to the revelation by Hillary Clinton that the Democratic Party's super-delegates are, unlike them, just regular old human beings. While agreeing that their sole purpose for existing is to heroically protect her from losing the nomination, super-delegates do not, in fact, have super-powers such as: Tax-ray vision, mainstream media invisibility, abortion claws, a magic red tape lasso, debt deflectors, terrorist noise cancelers, tyranny empathizers, and a logic shield made out of laminated race cards. Clinton then went on to clarify that any Democrat has all of those things, but they are actually perks...

Senators Richard Burr (R-NC) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) have introduced a draft bill that would effectively bar any private parties from owning encrypted phones, computers, or other devices that are not accessible to government surveillance. Burr emphasized “the important law enforcement objectives we are attempting to protect through this legislation. Criminals must not be allowed to hide their nefarious schemes from duly appointed police authorities. We cannot protect the general public if police are hampered by the inability to pierce any communication between criminal co-conspirators.” Partnering-sponsor Feinstein alleged that “there is no legitimate need for anyone to insist upon privacy...

Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said "I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome." Reid opined that "pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn't the voice...

Special announcement today from the presidential press secretary in Washington: Begin: Is everyone here? Are you all rolling? (That is for the radio audio recorders and television cameras) I have a joint statement today for you from the White House and the Department of Defense. First, thank you all for coming in on what for many is a well-deserved day off. I know it’s a beautiful day here in Washington, so I’ll try to make this as quick as possible. I have a statement for you and will be up to take a few questions afterwards. After this briefing concludes,...

BOSTON, MA—Touting the vast potential of the new organization to equip a new generation with state-of-the-art training in forming and deploying ad hominem attacks against social conservatives, LGBT advocacy group GLAD formally announced the opening of its Center for Advanced Ad Hominems with a celebration and ribbon-cutting ceremony Friday. The nonprofit organization, made possible by a federal grant of $21 million, aims to create and distribute content to improve the average LGBT advocate’s ad hominem reasoning, with a special focus on their ability to launch an ‘efficient and effective’ personal attack in any political or cultural disagreement, instead of replying...

Carol's boyfriend is a mercurial figure -- a potentially nice guy, but unreliable, dangerous, and married to someone else. Exactly who he is can be hard to make out amid his capriciousness, his lying, and his occasional descents into violence... But he can change. What else to expect from someone who reflects the baser passions? It'll be different when Carol fixes him. It'll be different when he leaves his wife. It'll be different when he kicks the habit. It'll be different when he gets back on his feet again. The therapy will change him. And Carol can learn to stop...

In a move authorities hope will reduce the frequency of sexual assault by Muslim immigrants, the portrayal of sausages and "scantily clad" women (i.e., those without headscarves) in advertisements will be banned. German Justice Minister Heiko Maas said "the action is a common sense measure designed to protect our citizens from rape and molestation by those from a different culture. In interrogation after interrogation, offenders from Asia and Africa have professed themselves to be irresistibly driven to attack women shortly after viewing ads in which 'uncovered women' or 'uncovered sausages' have been shown. Rather than futilely expecting immigrants to adapt...

Following his cancellation of a concert in North Carolina over a law that prohibits transgender people from using bathrooms other than their biological sex, Bruce Springsteen declared that South Carolina will be next on his "s**t list" if Governor Nikki Haley insists on using the "archaic" way of identifying herself as Indian. "I mean, it's 2016, who still says they're Indian? This isn't 19th century America, we recognize these people are actually Native Americans," said Springsteen, adding "if Governor Haley wants to disrespect herself that's her business, but I will not play another concert in South Carolina as long as...

Famed filmmaker and gelatinous force of raging hypocrisy Michael Moore has threatened to eat North Carolina unless it agrees to allow men into women’s restrooms by high noon on Monday. “The way that North Carolina is imposing its morality upon others is just disgusting,” raged the multi-multi-millionaire who has made many fortunes by crafting and selling movies on the evils of capitalism. “And if North Carolina doesn’t cave completely to my demands to obliterate gender distinctions and let men into women’s restrooms, I’m literally gonna eat the whole sorry state for lunch!” The threat to eat the entire state was...