Free Republic

Responding to petitions and pleas of a minority of millennials who are as tired of being coddled as they are of being offended, the government has completed construction for the nation's first ever safe space. Constructed under the authority of an agency that was newly formed via an executive order by President Obama the Department of Understanding Millennials Better (DUMB) plans to open the 10,000 facility up to its first inhabitants in the coming weeks and already has a waiting list that is ten times that capacity. The facility will be known as "The Safe Space," or "the SS" for...

As the national debate whether people should be allowed to use bathrooms according to their chosen gender identity continues to swell one transgender woman makes a revolutionary, and costly proposal to settle the argument. Charlie Shimpner, former chair of Transgender Humans United for Gender Silliness (THUGS) was excommunicated from the LGBTQ community after a writing a Facebook post suggesting the transgender community should accept the creation of alternative bathrooms for "transgender-Americans." The post went viral in a matter of hours and ignited a petition on Change.org for Facebook to create a "remove from Facebook button.' Said Shimper, "I thought long...

Calling GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump "an appalling choice," President Barack Obama promised a frightened nation that "I will do whatever I can to prevent this man from succeeding me as president." The President didn't rule out "any extraordinary, extra-legal actions that might be needed. Hopefully, it won't come to that. I trust that American voters will opt to continue the progress I've made by electing Secretary Clinton in November. But rest assured, I will not shy away from doing what it takes to keep Mr. Trump out of the Oval Office." Meanwhile, Obama's preferred successor sought to differentiate herself...

The Thought Purifier 1984 (TP1984) by MicroThought The applied sciences division of MicroThought have unveiled what is being hailed as a huge leap forward for political correctness. The cutting edge technology is a pair of noise canceling ear pieces called "thought purifiers" that are specially customized to be programmed to filter out words and phrases the individual wearer would find to be "triggering" and "offensive." "We are very excited about this offering at MicroThought," said a spokesperson for the company. "We believe this technology will have the same revolutionary effect on health and well-being in the 21st century that...

Sen. Ed Markey (D-Mass) brushed off fears that a runaway national debt could pose a threat to America. "Look, a debt of whatever amount merely records resources that have already been acquired by the government," Markey argued. "The government has already gotten and spent that money for the benefit of America. Whether it ever pays this money back is basically irrelevant." "Let's imagine that, 'horror of horrors,' the government defaults on this debt," Markey continued. "Who's hurt? The people who lent the money to the government by buying bonds can obviously afford to lose this money. People who need their...

In a surprising move said to be aimed at undermining contentions that she is being afforded special treatment, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton demanded that “everyone who violates the law anywhere should be held accountable.” Campaign manager Robby Mook argued that “this will take the wind out of the sails of those in the GOP who maintain that Hillary sees herself as above the law. By insisting that everyone who violates the law must be prosecuted, the absence of any prosecution from the Department of Justice will stand as a total vindication of her innocence. In...

After being mercilessly heckled by agitators from the group “Black Lives Matter,” former President Bill Clinton accused them of “defending murderers and drug dealers.” The BLM protesters objected to the former president’s support for 1994’s Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, which they contend disproportionately penalizes minorities. Clinton’s argument that “this law puts blacks who prey upon other blacks, who kill other blacks behind bars and saves the lives of countless would-be black victims. Those attacking this law can’t really pose as advocates for black lives. They are advocates for criminals.” Concerned that the former president has “drifted off...

Hillary Clinton's New York ties are not fooling "Saturday Night Live." The sketch show toyed with the Democratic front-runner's election results against Bernie Sanders and her return to the "Fat Apple" to encourage support two weeks before the primary. Clinton doppelganger and SNL cast member Kate McKinnon had her candidate playing to Yankees and "Meets" fans before re-enacting Clinton's viral - and failed - attempt to use a Metrocard at a Bronx subway station. "The subway. I love to ride. I'm comfortable riding it," said McKinnon's Clinton before swiping half a dozen times with no success. The actress took...

ALBANY, NY – With pressure mounting and the stakes sky high in New York’s fast approaching Democrat primary, Hillary Clinton has suggested that Bernie Sanders validate his pro-choice credentials by choosing to subject himself to a 298th trimester abortion. “But that’s insane! That would kill me!” protested Sanders at a New York City Feel the Bern rally attended by tens of thousands of non-aborted pro-choice progressives advocating for the right to murder children and steal the property of those left alive. “While I’m all for a woman’s right to murder her unborn child for any reason or no reason at...

California State Attorney General Kamala Harris (D) justified her office's raid on the home of pro-life activist David Daleiden this week, contending that "the actions of Mr. Daleiden constitute a clear and present danger to the State and the values we are trying to protect." Daleiden was instrumental in the acquisition and airing of undercover videos of Planned Parenthood officers and employees engaged in illegal trafficking of human organs harvested from aborted fetuses. Harris has declined to initiate an investigation of this illegal trafficking because "the evidence gathered by Mr. Daleiden was obtained through surreptitious methods. An invasion of privacy...

It is a well-known fact that the corporate world is powered by high-end coffees. With pithy corporate executives forced to work early morning hours to keep their companies competitive, they must find a good source of status-quot coffee to start their day and show they are in charge. Powerful liberals understand this fact and have thus encouraged young lesbians to start ‘exciting careers’ in the barista industry. By working at local Starbucks nationwide, lesbians have...

In testimony before a congressional committee investigating the murders of military personnel at military facilities, Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley told Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) that he was opposed to letting troops carry personal weapons to defend themselves. "Let me assure Congress that our higher ranking officers are well protected by the existing procedures," the General said. "Base commanders have a contingent of armed guards between themselves and any potential assailant. I am confident that no intruders could get to them without themselves being shot." "What about lower ranking soldiers?" Lee asked. "They don't have guards assigned to...

We urge all out progressive readers to sign our petition calling on Donald Trump to stop his reactionary support of private charities, stop being generous, and let the state take care of people! The state always is there to help the oppressed and the downtrodden. Donald Trump's theatrics include handing a scholarship for the former Miss Wisconsin's son, flying an ill boy, giving a simple bus driver money, and giving donations to veteran groups. Instead, Mr. Trump should consider expanding government services, where thousands of caring bureaucrats can help the toiling masses as a class, according to their needs. It...

Our guest author All right-thinking people know that Islam is the religion of peace and tolerance. Therefore, even though some instances of violent extremism may involve Muslims, Islam obviously has nothing to do with it. Imam Obama and President Erdogan of Turkey have told us that repeatedly. Only Islamophobes claim that there is a connection.Often, acts erroneously deemed to be "Islamic terrorism" are the results of mental or other disorders. For example Khaled al-Hamada, a brave freedom fighter in Syria, liked to feast on the organs of infidels enemies he had helped to kill. It was neither Islam's fault...

Calling the road to revolution “long and arduous,” the state-run Rodong Sinmun newspaper advised readers to “brace for famine.” The “bracing” is expected to entail the people “chewing the roots of plants once again.” In addition, the country is requiring all residents to deliver about 2 lb. of rice to state warehouses each month. The rice levy is needed to ensure that the country’s 300 lb. leader—Kim Jong-un—is able to “maintain his strength in the battle against capitalist imperialism. We cannot allow hunger to undermine his ability to continue to make progress toward the socialist future we are all striving...

The Climate Science Truth & Accountability Act, a bill introduced by California state Sen. Ben Allen (D-Santa Monica) would expand state and local government’s attorneys’ power to crack down on global warming critics. Under the bill, the statute of limitations would be extended to 30 years so that the California attorney general, 58 county district attorneys and the city attorneys of every city with more than 750,000 people would have a bigger window of opportunity to launch investigations, lawsuits, and prosecutions against climate change critics. “We cannot allow the biggest criminals against humanity to escape punishment just because of the...

Hillary Clinton canceled campaign events today after her broom was found broken in two early this morning. While investigators suspect foul play one tip from a man who wishes to remain anonymous suggests that the broom has been trying to end itself for decades ever since his mother-in-law passed it down to Hillary. According to one of the emails unearthed from the FBI investigation into Clinton's private email servers the broom was set to be part of a forthcoming "green initiative." Aides say the plan aimed at severely reducing the carbon footprint of the presidency by making the broom the...

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson dismissed the possibility of deporting those entering the country illegally as "impractical. For all intents and purposes the 11 million already residing here are, in effect, US citizens." Johnson also expressed his distaste at deporting alien criminals on the grounds that "it would be both cruel and unusual. The home countries to which they would be deported are already suffering under crime rates far higher than we have here in the United States. Even if letting them stay here raises our crime rates it seems to me that this would provide for a...

President Obama’s touted plan to reduce government red tape appears to have both increased the cost of government AND the time and effort required to comply with regulations. According to the American Action Forum, measures put into place by the Administration have added a net $23 billion in costs and nearly nine million hours of extra paperwork on businesses, individuals, and government to comply with the “reforms.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended the Administration’s efforts, saying that “a simplistic calculation of the costs and burdens unfairly muddles the distinction between eliminating bad regulations and replacing them with good regulations. The...

During what campaign staffers describe as a "senior moment" Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont picked up a comb that was sitting on a table at his campaign headquarters and used it on himself. "This has been a crazy campaign, but that was by far the most insane thing I've witnessed so far," said campaign staffer Chip Beaverton. "He looked, I don't know, his hair was nice and even. He looked, um, respectable? As crazy as that is to say, it's nothing compared to what happened next." According to witnesses at the scene Senator Sanders calmly walked out of the...