Free Republic

Though he has opted not to run again, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said "I wish I could stay in the Senate until I drop dead. The whole process of having to repeatedly seek voter approval to stay in office is tiresome and demeaning. A senator should be allowed to stay as long as he wants or until he is deposed or executed by the ruling sovereign as was the case in ancient Rome." Reid opined that "pleasing an emperor or a president is a much simpler task than pleasing the average voter. Think about it. Isn't the voice...

Special announcement today from the presidential press secretary in Washington: Begin: Is everyone here? Are you all rolling? (That is for the radio audio recorders and television cameras) I have a joint statement today for you from the White House and the Department of Defense. First, thank you all for coming in on what for many is a well-deserved day off. I know it’s a beautiful day here in Washington, so I’ll try to make this as quick as possible. I have a statement for you and will be up to take a few questions afterwards. After this briefing concludes,...

BOSTON, MA—Touting the vast potential of the new organization to equip a new generation with state-of-the-art training in forming and deploying ad hominem attacks against social conservatives, LGBT advocacy group GLAD formally announced the opening of its Center for Advanced Ad Hominems with a celebration and ribbon-cutting ceremony Friday. The nonprofit organization, made possible by a federal grant of $21 million, aims to create and distribute content to improve the average LGBT advocate’s ad hominem reasoning, with a special focus on their ability to launch an ‘efficient and effective’ personal attack in any political or cultural disagreement, instead of replying...

Carol's boyfriend is a mercurial figure -- a potentially nice guy, but unreliable, dangerous, and married to someone else. Exactly who he is can be hard to make out amid his capriciousness, his lying, and his occasional descents into violence... But he can change. What else to expect from someone who reflects the baser passions? It'll be different when Carol fixes him. It'll be different when he leaves his wife. It'll be different when he kicks the habit. It'll be different when he gets back on his feet again. The therapy will change him. And Carol can learn to stop...

In a move authorities hope will reduce the frequency of sexual assault by Muslim immigrants, the portrayal of sausages and "scantily clad" women (i.e., those without headscarves) in advertisements will be banned. German Justice Minister Heiko Maas said "the action is a common sense measure designed to protect our citizens from rape and molestation by those from a different culture. In interrogation after interrogation, offenders from Asia and Africa have professed themselves to be irresistibly driven to attack women shortly after viewing ads in which 'uncovered women' or 'uncovered sausages' have been shown. Rather than futilely expecting immigrants to adapt...

Following his cancellation of a concert in North Carolina over a law that prohibits transgender people from using bathrooms other than their biological sex, Bruce Springsteen declared that South Carolina will be next on his "s**t list" if Governor Nikki Haley insists on using the "archaic" way of identifying herself as Indian. "I mean, it's 2016, who still says they're Indian? This isn't 19th century America, we recognize these people are actually Native Americans," said Springsteen, adding "if Governor Haley wants to disrespect herself that's her business, but I will not play another concert in South Carolina as long as...

Famed filmmaker and gelatinous force of raging hypocrisy Michael Moore has threatened to eat North Carolina unless it agrees to allow men into women’s restrooms by high noon on Monday. “The way that North Carolina is imposing its morality upon others is just disgusting,” raged the multi-multi-millionaire who has made many fortunes by crafting and selling movies on the evils of capitalism. “And if North Carolina doesn’t cave completely to my demands to obliterate gender distinctions and let men into women’s restrooms, I’m literally gonna eat the whole sorry state for lunch!” The threat to eat the entire state was...

Responding to petitions and pleas of a minority of millennials who are as tired of being coddled as they are of being offended, the government has completed construction for the nation's first ever safe space. Constructed under the authority of an agency that was newly formed via an executive order by President Obama the Department of Understanding Millennials Better (DUMB) plans to open the 10,000 facility up to its first inhabitants in the coming weeks and already has a waiting list that is ten times that capacity. The facility will be known as "The Safe Space," or "the SS" for...

As the national debate whether people should be allowed to use bathrooms according to their chosen gender identity continues to swell one transgender woman makes a revolutionary, and costly proposal to settle the argument. Charlie Shimpner, former chair of Transgender Humans United for Gender Silliness (THUGS) was excommunicated from the LGBTQ community after a writing a Facebook post suggesting the transgender community should accept the creation of alternative bathrooms for "transgender-Americans." The post went viral in a matter of hours and ignited a petition on Change.org for Facebook to create a "remove from Facebook button.' Said Shimper, "I thought long...

Calling GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump "an appalling choice," President Barack Obama promised a frightened nation that "I will do whatever I can to prevent this man from succeeding me as president." The President didn't rule out "any extraordinary, extra-legal actions that might be needed. Hopefully, it won't come to that. I trust that American voters will opt to continue the progress I've made by electing Secretary Clinton in November. But rest assured, I will not shy away from doing what it takes to keep Mr. Trump out of the Oval Office." Meanwhile, Obama's preferred successor sought to differentiate herself...

The Thought Purifier 1984 (TP1984) by MicroThought The applied sciences division of MicroThought have unveiled what is being hailed as a huge leap forward for political correctness. The cutting edge technology is a pair of noise canceling ear pieces called "thought purifiers" that are specially customized to be programmed to filter out words and phrases the individual wearer would find to be "triggering" and "offensive." "We are very excited about this offering at MicroThought," said a spokesperson for the company. "We believe this technology will have the same revolutionary effect on health and well-being in the 21st century that...

Sen. Ed Markey (D-Mass) brushed off fears that a runaway national debt could pose a threat to America. "Look, a debt of whatever amount merely records resources that have already been acquired by the government," Markey argued. "The government has already gotten and spent that money for the benefit of America. Whether it ever pays this money back is basically irrelevant." "Let's imagine that, 'horror of horrors,' the government defaults on this debt," Markey continued. "Who's hurt? The people who lent the money to the government by buying bonds can obviously afford to lose this money. People who need their...

In a surprising move said to be aimed at undermining contentions that she is being afforded special treatment, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton demanded that “everyone who violates the law anywhere should be held accountable.” Campaign manager Robby Mook argued that “this will take the wind out of the sails of those in the GOP who maintain that Hillary sees herself as above the law. By insisting that everyone who violates the law must be prosecuted, the absence of any prosecution from the Department of Justice will stand as a total vindication of her innocence. In...

After being mercilessly heckled by agitators from the group “Black Lives Matter,” former President Bill Clinton accused them of “defending murderers and drug dealers.” The BLM protesters objected to the former president’s support for 1994’s Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, which they contend disproportionately penalizes minorities. Clinton’s argument that “this law puts blacks who prey upon other blacks, who kill other blacks behind bars and saves the lives of countless would-be black victims. Those attacking this law can’t really pose as advocates for black lives. They are advocates for criminals.” Concerned that the former president has “drifted off...

Hillary Clinton's New York ties are not fooling "Saturday Night Live." The sketch show toyed with the Democratic front-runner's election results against Bernie Sanders and her return to the "Fat Apple" to encourage support two weeks before the primary. Clinton doppelganger and SNL cast member Kate McKinnon had her candidate playing to Yankees and "Meets" fans before re-enacting Clinton's viral - and failed - attempt to use a Metrocard at a Bronx subway station. "The subway. I love to ride. I'm comfortable riding it," said McKinnon's Clinton before swiping half a dozen times with no success. The actress took...

ALBANY, NY – With pressure mounting and the stakes sky high in New York’s fast approaching Democrat primary, Hillary Clinton has suggested that Bernie Sanders validate his pro-choice credentials by choosing to subject himself to a 298th trimester abortion. “But that’s insane! That would kill me!” protested Sanders at a New York City Feel the Bern rally attended by tens of thousands of non-aborted pro-choice progressives advocating for the right to murder children and steal the property of those left alive. “While I’m all for a woman’s right to murder her unborn child for any reason or no reason at...

California State Attorney General Kamala Harris (D) justified her office's raid on the home of pro-life activist David Daleiden this week, contending that "the actions of Mr. Daleiden constitute a clear and present danger to the State and the values we are trying to protect." Daleiden was instrumental in the acquisition and airing of undercover videos of Planned Parenthood officers and employees engaged in illegal trafficking of human organs harvested from aborted fetuses. Harris has declined to initiate an investigation of this illegal trafficking because "the evidence gathered by Mr. Daleiden was obtained through surreptitious methods. An invasion of privacy...

It is a well-known fact that the corporate world is powered by high-end coffees. With pithy corporate executives forced to work early morning hours to keep their companies competitive, they must find a good source of status-quot coffee to start their day and show they are in charge. Powerful liberals understand this fact and have thus encouraged young lesbians to start ‘exciting careers’ in the barista industry. By working at local Starbucks nationwide, lesbians have...

In testimony before a congressional committee investigating the murders of military personnel at military facilities, Army Chief of Staff General Mark Milley told Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) that he was opposed to letting troops carry personal weapons to defend themselves. "Let me assure Congress that our higher ranking officers are well protected by the existing procedures," the General said. "Base commanders have a contingent of armed guards between themselves and any potential assailant. I am confident that no intruders could get to them without themselves being shot." "What about lower ranking soldiers?" Lee asked. "They don't have guards assigned to...

We urge all out progressive readers to sign our petition calling on Donald Trump to stop his reactionary support of private charities, stop being generous, and let the state take care of people! The state always is there to help the oppressed and the downtrodden. Donald Trump's theatrics include handing a scholarship for the former Miss Wisconsin's son, flying an ill boy, giving a simple bus driver money, and giving donations to veteran groups. Instead, Mr. Trump should consider expanding government services, where thousands of caring bureaucrats can help the toiling masses as a class, according to their needs. It...