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Keyword: satire

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  • Dems Demand Apology to Planned Parenthood [semi-satire]

    10/11/2015 10:51:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Reps. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md), Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn), and Louise Slaughter (D-NY) issued a letter demanding that House Republicans apologize to Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards for their “shameful treatment of her during the committee’s hearing investigating the organization last week.” The letter characterized the questioning of Ms. Richards “four hours of pure torture” and contended that “it is as clear a violation of the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment that we have ever witnessed. The injustice of it all was egregious. Terminating pregnancies is not a crime. Selling recovered tissue is not a crime. Yet, Ms, Richards...
  • Obama to Use Executive Authority to Enact Gun Control [semi-satire]

    10/10/2015 9:58:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Administration insiders are hinting that President Obama has become impatient with Congressional inaction on gun control legislation in the wake of a rash of mass murder shootings and will bypass that body and enact new controls based on his own authority. The gist of his decree is said to require dealers who sell more than 50 guns a year to obtain a license from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and do extensive background checks on persons who want to purchase weapons from them. Though he declined to specifically acknowledge the rumor, Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to...
  • Christian Refugees to Be Deported [semi-satire]

    10/09/2015 4:22:54 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has decided that Christian refugees from areas occupied by the Islamic State will be deported back to the war zone. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Muslims fleeing the region will be given transportation to America and allowed to stay. While not denying that these Christians are likely to face great peril, US Secretary of State John Kerry justified the policy, calling it "consistent with the President's vision for the region. The religious composition of both the Middle East and the United States is unbalanced. In the Middle East Christians are in short supply, while in the United...
  • Obama Passes Law BANNING FREE SPEECH: Media “No Longer Allowed To Name Mass Shooter”

    10/08/2015 2:13:36 PM PDT · by Nachum · 73 replies
    Pamela Geller ^ | 10/8/15 | Pamela Geller
    President Barack Obama held a press conference today to announce signing into law a bill that prevents U.S. media outlets from naming the shooting suspect in any of their news coverage. This is is tyranny. His illegally seized power cannot usurp our first amendment and the rights of the freedom of the press. For years Islamic supremacists like Ground Zero mosque imam Feisal Rauf and others demanded that the media stop reporting on jihad terror because it might cause “islamophobia” (euphemism for opposition to jihad terror). It was unthinkable before Obama. Now that they have their stooge in the White...
  • BUNGLING SURGEON BEN CARSON LEFT SPONGE IN PATIENT’S BRAIN!

    10/07/2015 4:56:11 PM PDT · by entropy12 · 82 replies
    National Enquirer ^ | October 7, 2015 | Sharon Churcher
    Judging by White House wannabe Ben Carson’s track record as a neurosurgeon, his presidential campaign should be declared dead on arrival! In a bombshell investigation into his medical career, The National ENQUIRER has exclusively learned the now retired doc allegedly butchered one patient’s brain — and EVEN left a sponge in another’s skull! According to at least six malpractice lawsuits against Carson obtained by The ENQUIRER, the Republican candidate allegedly rushed patients into surgery, and brandished a scalpel like a meat cleaver!
  • Heroic Veteran From Oregon Shooting Just Glad He’s Not In VA Hospital (satire)

    10/06/2015 7:12:21 PM PDT · by rey · 21 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 6 Oct, 2015
    PORTLAND, Ore. — Real-life hero and Army veteran Chris Mintz, who took seven gunshot wounds while protecting classmates at an Oregon college last week, says he considers himself truly blessed to get treatment in a civilian hospital. “As I got in the ambulance, I kept thinking to myself, ‘Dear God, please don’t let them take me to a VA hospital. I don’t want to die waiting for treatment,'” Mintz told reporters from his bedside at Mercy Medical Center, where nurses actually check on him periodically to ask whether he needs anything, such as a blanket or a snack from the...
  • This is how you get Democrats to agree gun ownership is a right...

    10/05/2015 2:45:39 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 6 replies
    American Irony ^ | 10-5-15 | The Looking Spoon
  • Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors [semi-satire]

    10/05/2015 11:26:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood’s chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an “abortion survivor,” calling the concept “totally nonsensical.” “When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure,” she said. “We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesn’t happen.” One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. “Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance...
  • U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 5:00:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th. Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. “This is beyond belief,” he asserted. “While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, they’re shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America.” Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrup’s concern. “There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland,” Kerry said. “If we need any we...
  • NYC Honors Rosenburgs [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 10:31:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating “great bravery.” The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that “it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen...
  • Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu's UN Speech [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 9:08:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran's repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map. The Secretary characterized his actions as "simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both...
  • ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 10:51:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Catholic hospitals’ refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Church’s beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject. “We’re taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices,” Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. “That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding...
  • Consensus for War with Russia Building [semi-satire]

    10/02/2015 3:03:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary. Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a "no fly zone" over the rebel positions in order "to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels." Sen. John McCain (R-Az) reminded everyone that "I'm the only one who has met with these rebels. Though...
  • Close Call: The Secret Service Just Caught Him Trying To Pull His Own Head Off?

    10/01/2015 12:43:02 AM PDT · by wannabegeek · 18 replies
    ClickHole.com ^ | September 15, 2015 | ClickHole.com
     Looks like we narrowly avoided tragedy this morning. According to a White House press release, the Secret Service just discovered President Barack Obama trying to pull his own head off, but they managed to stop him before he succeeded. Wow. This could have been really bad.According to the White House, several Secret Service agents walked into the Lincoln Bedroom at approximately 6:45 a.m. and discovered President Obama standing alone in the middle of the room with his hands wrapped around his head and trying with considerable effort to remove it from his body.The agents who witnessed the scene said that...
  • Fun fact about Joe Biden, this really is his middle name...

    09/29/2015 3:24:19 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 18 replies
    American Irony ^ | 9-29-15 | The Looking Spoon
    See here.I'm going to be completely honest, I've lost track of how this will offend liberals. Is it sexist because I applied the female gender to the "ette" part of his middle name? Is it transphobic because he's wearing a skirt Is it ageist because Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder?" Or is it just plain offensive to acknowledge the existence of gender at all?
  • School District Bans “Tag” [semi-satire]

    09/29/2015 8:45:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.” In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other...
  • “Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy [semi-satire]

    09/28/2015 9:41:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.” Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the...
  • Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling [semi-satire]

    09/27/2015 9:53:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.” As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.” A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for...
  • [Satire] Afghan Sex Slaves "Internal Matter," Says Administration

    09/25/2015 5:34:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops' "bachi bazi"—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as "a necessary compromise in the war on terror." "The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan," US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. "It is not our place to interfere." The Secretary drew a parallel with this country's alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. "The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,"...
  • Headline: "VW Executives Endorse Carly Fiorina for President" [satire]

    09/24/2015 11:23:46 AM PDT · by logi_cal869 · 4 replies
    09/24/2015 | self
    Had a funny thought this morning...that is all.