Free Republic

Citing a paper released this week by the St. Louis Federal Reserve, Vice-President Joe Biden blamed American consumers for the sluggish economy. “The government is doing everything it can to try to stimulate the economy,” Biden contended. “The federal government is spending every dollar it can get its hands on. The Federal Reserve is manufacturing new dollars at an unprecedented pace. But consumers are just sitting on their cash.” “Hoarding cash makes no sense,” the Veep argued. “The dollar’s purchasing power is being diluted on a daily basis by government policies. Spending your dollars before they lose even more value...

In its efforts to minimize collateral damage in its campaign against Hamas terrorists who were launching rocket attacks against Israeli civilians, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) asked UN “peace keepers” in Gaza to help Palestinian civilians evacuate the combat zone. The UN refused this request. UN spokesperson Penelope Ironside explained that “the idea that civilians should be removed from the battle zone conflicted with the explicit strategy of one of the contending sides. For us to have assisted in their removal would have compromised the UN’s position as a neutral party.” “The conflict between Israel and Hamas is asymmetrical,” Ironside...

Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations is preparing a report that will absolve the IRS and Lois Lerner of any wrongdoing in the campaign to target and harass conservative political organizations. “Those who have alleged that Lerner and the IRS took it upon themselves to conduct a vendetta against conservative organizations have it all wrong,” Levin alleged. “Evidence has emerged that the IRS was acting upon urgent requests from highly placed members of the government. Bureaucrats being responsive to the needs of the government is behavior we should be encouraging not punishing.” The highly...

US Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits." "These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages." "No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and...

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/furious-obama-says-calls-putin-going-straight-voicemail

The following is an op-ed written by Russian President Vladimir Putin. In recent months I have watched in stunned horror as a group armed with military weapons, trucks, and equipment has moved into and taken over a neighboring country. These disgusting savages who have effectively erased borders that have been in place for many years not only peril the sovereignty of nations, but also threaten to destabilize the entire region. I am of course referring to the terrorist group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS or ISIL). It is just unbelievable to me that in...

North Carolina Superior Court Judge Robert Hobgood declared the state’s the Opportunity Scholarship program unconstitutional. The program provided funds for poor children to attend the same private schools attended by their financially better off peers. “Allowing these children to exit the failing public school system undermines the incentive and capability for improving the public schools,” Hobgood ruled. “It would put the good of the few ahead of the collective well-being of the whole. By preventing the few from escaping we maintain the pressure for reform of the system.” Hobgood rejected the argument that allowing students to exit substandard schools would...

Outraged over learning that the Department of Homeland Security released 154 illegal immigrants convicted of homicide in their native country, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) demanded an explanation from DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson. He received a reply from Immigration and Customs Enforcement chief Thomas Winkowski. In his reply, Winkowski maintained that DHS “had no choice in the matter. We should not be castigated for obeying the law.” Winkowski’s contention, though, may not be correct. While it is true that the law does not permit DHS to hold illegal immigrants indefinitely, it does allow for the retention of “dangerous immigrants.” “Just because...

Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection. “Those duly empowered to use deadly force should not have to fear that their efforts might be thwarted by the widespread availability of bullet-resistant vests or helmets,” Honda said. “The government’s capacity to suppress dangerous elements must not be diluted.” Honda dismissed the idea that law-abiding civilians could have a legitimate need for this type of personal protection—Bullet Blocker’s...

This past week an Austin Grand Jury indicted Governor Rick Perry (R) for abuse of power. The offending act was his veto of the budget containing funds for the salary of Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. Perry took this action when Lehmberg refused to resign after her arrest for drunk driving. In April 2013, Lehmberg was hauled in for DUI. Tests showed her blood alcohol level to be more than three times the legal limit. Lehmberg threatened the arresting officer and deputies at the sheriff's office with the loss of their jobs for deigning to interrupt her travels. Thinking...

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D) is saturating the air waves with his demand that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson be “vigorously prosecuted” for shooting Michael Brown on August 9th. “We’ve all seen the Hell this community has gone through since the shooting,” Nixon recounted. “The Black citizens will burn down the entire town if we don’t give them the justice they want.” The Governor brushed aside the possibility that the shooting might be justifiable self-defense. “Sure we could spend a lot of time and effort trying to determine whether Brown brought this on himself by attacking Wilson,” Nixon said. “Maybe...

The beheading of American journalist James Foley, the massacre of thousands of Christians, Kurds, and Shiite Muslims, and ISIS’s vow that its flag will soon fly over the White House does not mean the United States is at war with them, says Deputy State Department spokesperson Marie Harf. “ISIS may think they are at war with us, but that doesn’t mean we are at war with them,” Harf insisted. “As you may have observed, President Obama sternly denounced Foley’s televised beheading. He has done his part to inspire others to take the actions needed to cope with the situation. There’s...

I look at the events unfolding in Ferguson, Missouri, and I just shake my head. Youngsters have no respect for the art of forming a mob, breaking into a business, loading your arms with as many goods as you can carry, then fleeing — all in the name of political dissatisfaction. In my day, looting actually meant something. When I was a young man growing up disaffected and angry in Los Angeles in the 1960s, I realized systemic racism was to blame for many of my community’s ills, and my friends and I would spend hours each night engaged in...

The low cost of communication over the Internet has led to “a dangerous proliferation of voices” according to President Obama. “It used to be that everyone got their view of the news from major media outlets,” Obama recounted. “There was more unanimity of message. This helped bring the country together.” “Now, though, any nobody with a little free time can get a website and pontificate for all the world to see,” the President complained. “We have no way to control what is said and we lack the time and energy to refute every erroneous idea or contention that is made.”...

This week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stirred up a kerfuffle in an interview published in The Atlantic magazine by implying that the Obama Administration’s foreign policy was “a directionless mess.” President Obama angrily rebuffed Clinton’s remarks as “horse shit.” However, the soothing ambiance of a gathering at a posh Martha’s Vineyard resort has dampened down combative tempers on both sides. As a spokesman for Hillary explained, “it was a case of public perception vs. core reality. Given the President’s abysmal voter approval ratings it is imperative that any Democrat who hopes to win an upcoming distance herself from...

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Barbara Lee (D-Calif), Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Jackie Speier (D-Calif) are going on a 10,000 mile bus tour to drum up support for repealing the current ban on federation money being spent for abortions. "The issue is one of simple justice," Lee argued. "Why should the option of escaping an unwanted pregnancy be denied to women who can't afford to pay for it? Human rights shouldn't come with a price tag. Criminals who can't afford a lawyer get one at taxpayer expense. Why shouldn't innocent women be treated as well?" "We should fund...

Concerned that dozens of low-wage workers who built the maze of tunnels from the Gaza strip into Israel might reveal the locations to enemy forces, the Hamas leadership ordered their execution. Hamas spokesman Khaled Mashal justified this seemingly ungrateful reward as "a necessary precaution. There are those who would say that the measures we took to prevent these diggers' knowledge of the tunnels' locations ought to be sufficient. Yes, the workers were blindfolded before being led to and from where they were told to dig making it exceedingly improbable that any of them could lead an Israeli to a tunnel...

The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police. "All those stuffed shirts saying that our robbing stores was an inappropriate expression of our anger and grief were dead wrong," asserted a self-identified looter who says her name is Jihadena. "One of the last things Michael did before he was gunned down was rob a store. We're just doing the work he no longer can do. What could be a more fitting tribute to...

US Secretary of State John Kerry continues to baffle observers by insisting that "global warming is, by far, the greatest threat mankind faces in the 21st century." "The reason should be obvious from the term 'global' warming," Kerry said. "This means that it affects everyone. This has to put it ahead of dangers that afflict necessarily narrower categories of victims. The beheading of innocent children by ISIS in Iraq, for example, only affects thousands of people." "The threat to wipe Israel off the map and exterminate the Jews, at worst, would entail the deaths of only a few million," Kerry...

In a continuation of the ongoing police scandals rocking the New York City Police Department, three-month old infant Layla Smith has been pronounced dead following an August sixth incident. This closely follows the July seventeenth death of NYC resident Eric Garner after the use of a prohibited choke hold by officers against him. Garners death was ruled a homicide by the NYC medical examiners office.Suzanne Smith, Layla’s mother, had been sitting on a bench in Queens waiting for the bus when Layla began to insistently cry. Knowing that her baby was hungry Ms. Smith began to breastfeed her daughter. Witnesses...