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God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, What's a woman?" So...

(Washington, D.C.) Today, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has decided to introduce legislation banning fireworks nationwide since they are an obvious, blatant, in your face expression of support for all things Trump. Said an insider: “After studying the subject, AOC has decided to introduce in the near future, legislation that will ban the manufacture, sale, transport or possession of fireworks of any and all types in all 50 states and territories since they are expressions of all things Trump.” “We know that at the previous presidents inauguration, he enjoyed watching a waste of taxpayers money to the tune of millions and his...

It is time for the American Army to withdraw from Iraq. Like the German Sixth Army, a few months before its annihilation at the decisive World War II battle of Stalingrad, U.S. forces now find themselves locked in an urban battle with a highly motivated local defender while depending upon an increasingly vulnerable supply line. This is a recipe for disaster. The war is lost for America. It need not have been, but now it is. Like the Germans at Stalingrad, the Americans have frittered away their strategic advantages and now fight with the initiative ceded to the enemy. Just...

The best way for a man to lose weight is to not eat while his wife is talking. If he stays as plump as before, I suggest he go to a hamburger joint, because he will always find chubbier people there. I tackle this topic again as a service to the readers, for they are of the upper crust, and thus suffer from obesity, after having reading about a new diet pill, Acomplia, which attacks the part of the brain that is responsible for appetite, making the recipient feel full. Then I read another article about models and the size...

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A full-time stay-at-home mother would earn $134,121 a year if paid for all her work, an amount similar to a top U.S. ad executive, a marketing director or a judge, according to a study released on Wednesday. A mother who works outside the home would earn an extra $85,876 annually on top of her actual wages for the work she does at home, according to the study by Waltham, Massachusetts-based compensation experts Salary.com. To reach the projected pay figures, the survey calculated the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely comprise a mother's...

A man wearing a ski mask walked into a bank and demanded money, then told tellers, "just kidding," authorities said. Ryan Wright, 20, surrendered to police Monday night, said Sgt. Mark Hanson, a Williston police detective. Wright was formally charged Tuesday. Judge David Nelson set his bail at $1,000 and ordered Wright to stay away from alcohol and bars. A preliminary hearing was set for March 21, court officials said. "He never showed a weapon, but the tellers got quite scared and concerned and thought the worst," Hanson said. No customers were in the bank at the time of the...

For the Clays and Fantasias of the world, "American Idol" is all about fame, glory and platinum records. But for "Idol" wannabes such as Shalicia Carlisle and Gilbert Gonzalez Jr., the entire experience may be life-changing, but in other, less obvious ways."Prayer works. Dreams come true," said Gonzalez, who lives in Union City. "I'm so grateful to the show. The judges said I was pitchy, but Paula Abdul walked up and hugged me."Gonzalez and Concord resident Carlisle won't be going on to Hollywood, but they laughed with delight as they watched themselves on TV Wednesday night at Gonzalez's apartment. Friends...

This past Thursday, US Senate Republicans voted to bar terror suspects being held at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba military detention center from challenging their detentions in US federal courts. The bill proposal is a result of a Supreme Court 5-4 ruling last year that gave terrorists access to American courts even though they are terrorists or enemy combatants captured during the global war on terrorism. With the Senate's 49-42 vote, the provision written by Senator Lindsey Graham, a Republican, was added to the military budget bill. On the floor of the Senate, Sen. Graham said, "For 200 years, ladies and...

CASTING NOTICE: Mel Gibson Entertainment is looking for actors for upcoming action-thriller titled "Able Danger". Mr. Gibson will be playing the role of Lt. Shaeffer, but is pleased to announce that Mr. Larry Hagman will be cast in the role of President Clinton. It has been rumored that Ellen Degenerest's agent has contacted Mr. Gibson about playing the role of Senator Clinton. Other actors in consideration are Tim Robbins, Susan Serandon and Alec Baldwin. Please send submissions to MGE, Malibu, California.

Washington—Harriet Miers was brazen and defiant, not asking President Bush to withdraw her nomination to the Supreme Court despite sharp criticism from some of Bush’s conservative allies, practically telling conservatives to go take a flying leap. Bush’s bold, religious decision to nominate Miers—his White House counsel and a longtime adviser for the Supreme Court—has divided his supporters, many of whom wanted a nominee with a clear record of understanding of the Constitution, as well as abortion and other lame conservative issues. Miers left no clues to her position on abortion or any basic understanding of Constitutional law when she served...

Hey Gang : Let’s Start a Web Site ! (A Cynical Look at Internet Foundations ) Let’s say we’ve got a message to put across – on the Web. We’re not completely sure what we want to say – and won’t know until we see who is willing to come up with the money. Should we make it Liberal ? Nah. That’s been done to death. Besides,Liberals are generally cheapskates ! Ditto for Conservatives. All the corporate funding is pretty well spoken for. Libertarian sounds attractive – mostly because nobody can really define what Libertarians stand for . Like the...

Sheehan Now Thinks She is Braveheart

One of the unfortunate diseases of the body politic has been the increasing politicalization of the US Supreme Court. This was not caused by conservatives; however, perhaps it should be solved by a conservative President. One outstanding chance is now upon us. Most likely, President Bush will take the safe road and go through the political gauntlet and appoint a known conservative judge. What we really need is a break in the partisanship of the appointment process. Nominating former President Clinton would give everyone pause and begin a process where politicians (mostly, but not exclusively Democrats) can cease making efforts...

WASHINGTON, DC --- After a recent shocking revelation that a terrorist in Guantanamo Bay prison was forced to wear a bra and act like a dog, Senator Dick Durbin called for banning all fraternities on college campuses. "Gitmo is run just like the Gulags, like Nazi death camps, like Pol Pot's killing fields," said Durbin. "And these recent antics demonstrate that the tactics of these monsters are similar to those used in hazing incidents at fraternities. We owe it to ourselves to end the use of tactics that would make Hitler blush at our own university system. Some day the...

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Jul 13, 3:14 PM WASHINGTON -- Just in from the streets, an intern who wishes to remain anonymous spoke of Mr. Rove as being the next nominee to the Supreme Court in an announcement which will be made publicly by President Bush on June 29, 2005. The intern qualified President Bush's selection as one of consideration, taking into account his meetings with the senators before deciding. One of the others who was said to be under speculation was Judge Brown. As a result of the recent hospitalization of Justice Rehnquist, she may still be soon appointed. Future updates will be...

THE REAL STORY OF RATHERGATE CBS announces staff firings and cutbacks, but what they didn’t say was that the big bloodshot eye network would be outsourcing its entire operation to India. Was it because that isn’t going to happen or that... THEY DIDN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW? Perhaps that’s something we’ll never know for sure but how long before Apu--I’m sorry--Brad, closes his newscast with "Courage"? Examples: Labor Day: CBS producer Mary Mapes speaks to Kerry advisor, Joe Lockhart, but both Lockhart and Mapes say they only spoke about "how damn hot it is around this time of year." Not...

Soros to Shields:"If I'm buying, you're flying." In a stunning move to reverse the threat to democracy in the Ukraine George Soros wrote a check on Sunday to take possession of the Kiev Holiday Inn and Bali-Themed singles Bar in order the guarantee housing for some 15,000 Blue State Human Shields now inbound to the beleaguered Republic. Working closely with the recently unemployed staff of MoveOn.org, Soros raised the money from himself during a tense, non-stop negotiating session at his wet-bar last Friday. "I thought of all the angst and agita I've experienced over the last three weeks," said the...

Joe Scarborough is right. Sean Hannity is an ignorant bigot, a hate-filled, war-mongering, “chicken hawk” conservative. He is a partisan hack that reads from the Republican Party platform, and lacks the intelligence to have an open mind. His everyday tirade is best known on Hannity & Colmes, but he has become more repugnant on his radio show on 77WABC in New York City. Joe Scarborough, a former Republican congressman from Florida who now hosts MSNBC’s “Scarborough Country,” says the challenge for conservative hosts will be to prove “that we’re more than just the Pravda of the right.” He adds, “I...