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USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003
68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

Posted on 02/23/2003 11:19:02 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

Mom's wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Chopper crash

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Pilots jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seeking Protection

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"



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KEYWORDS: michaeldobbs
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To: LaDivaLoca
Diva, I love the bathtub. The shark is the crowning touch. LOL!!
321 posted on 02/24/2003 8:18:52 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: SevenofNine
Thanks, Seven. Things are getting interesting. I hope Japan is "investigating" too.
322 posted on 02/24/2003 8:20:15 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: snippy_about_it
Good night and sleep well, snippy. God bless you good for all you do for the Canteen Crew and for our troops.


323 posted on 02/24/2003 8:28:40 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Kathy in Alaska
YEAH Kathy they are I read UK Guardian copy first then I troll over to Kydto news wire

They are reporting that missile Came that close of almost hitting Japan WHOA

Also report off BBC wire reporting that Tony Blair populairty going downhill Brits public are sheeple and listen to Left in UK saying NOT IN OUR NAME

SHUT UP LEFTISTS
324 posted on 02/24/2003 8:29:59 PM PST by SevenofNine (Get ready for SMACKDOWN Saddam)
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To: Kathy in Alaska; radu
Uh-huh!

Not that the Canteen is addictive, or anything...

By the way, that was kinda fun yesterday. I had to try two or three different ways of saving the original slide show, then I had to get the file names in my own show exactly right...it didn't help that my upload program changed the capitalization of all 31 slide names! That meant the link files were all wrong, and had to be rewritten.

But you know, the satisfaction of a job done (won't say well, nope) makes it all worthwhile!!


325 posted on 02/24/2003 8:30:37 PM PST by HiJinx (Cool...?)
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To: southerngrit
Just one Monday would be nice if all hands were accounted for for the whole day. *sigh* Thanks for the "Stress Reduction Kit".
326 posted on 02/24/2003 8:35:08 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Kathy in Alaska; southerngrit; LaDivaLoca; MoJo2001; bentfeather; SAMWolf; Radix; ...

God Bless those soldiers and their families.

Goodnight everybody :-)

327 posted on 02/24/2003 8:40:15 PM PST by Bethbg79
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To: Kathy in Alaska; 68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub; E.G.C.; bkwells
In the spirit of of USO Canteen FReeper-Style Military Jokes,

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS BEST

AMERICA'S WARNING: Saddam, your best move would B-2 disarm stat.

GODSPEED SWIFT VICTORY AND SAFE RETURN TO THE FINEST FIGHTING FORCE ON EARTH

SADDAM-FREE in '03

328 posted on 02/24/2003 8:42:19 PM PST by PhilDragoo (Hitlery: das Butch von Buchenvald)
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To: MoJo2001
Careful you'll turn my head. :-)
329 posted on 02/24/2003 8:45:34 PM PST by Valin (Age and Deceit, beat youth and skill)
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To: LaDivaLoca
I'm way behind, but I love your graphics. The tub for Tom is great. You don't suppose he'll use it do you? LOL! Good night and sleep tight, Diva. Thank you for all the wonderful things you bring to the Canteen for our Military to enjoy.


330 posted on 02/24/2003 8:45:59 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Bethbg79
Long day, Beth...Good Night!

Hope your little one stays well, now.

HJ
331 posted on 02/24/2003 8:47:14 PM PST by HiJinx (Canteener)
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To: Trikebuilder
Good luck with the job hunt.

I'm really working through 'issues' as my 15 year old would say regarding my job. I'm caught in that age old trap of having too many years invested in the company to walk away, and too many expenses to be able to chunk the salary and benefits.

Somehow, the years passed and I got complacent. Guess I never really decided what I wanted to be when I grew up!

Now, I'm finding out some pretty demoralizing stuff about the people I've worked with and trusted for years. Who would have believed I could still be so naive? Kinda brings me down a notch or too (not necessarily a bad thing, given my ego).


332 posted on 02/24/2003 8:48:27 PM PST by southerngrit
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To: LaDivaLoca
Monday, it's not just a day...it's an adventure.
At work tonight I got to do my impersonation of a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
333 posted on 02/24/2003 8:48:57 PM PST by Valin (Age and Deceit, beat youth and skill)
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To: Bethbg79
Good night, Beth. God bless you for the wonderful graphics that you are finding to share with our troops and canteeners. Thank you. Sleep well.


334 posted on 02/24/2003 8:50:27 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Kathy in Alaska
C-130 Hercules 496 steps around one.
335 posted on 02/24/2003 8:52:18 PM PST by Valin (Age and Deceit, beat youth and skill)
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To: southerngrit
Can he come over and play?

You bet. Send him over. Tell him the boys like their beer strong and hearty ...

336 posted on 02/24/2003 8:59:47 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (Bu-bye SADdam. You're soon to meet your buddy Stalin in Hades.)
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To: HiJinx; bkwells; radu
The slide show turned out great and drew lots of oohs and ahhs, even at 0400.
337 posted on 02/24/2003 9:02:22 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Kathy in Alaska
ROFL ! ...
338 posted on 02/24/2003 9:14:44 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (Bu-bye SADdam. You're soon to meet your buddy Stalin in Hades.)
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To: PhilDragoo
"AMERICA'S WARNING: Saddam, your best move would B-2 disarm stat."

I love it, Phil. Saddam, I hope you are listening.


339 posted on 02/24/2003 9:15:36 PM PST by Kathy in Alaska (God Bless America and our Military Who Protect Her.)
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To: Kathy in Alaska
A C-141 was preparing for departure from Thule Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and threatened him with punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

340 posted on 02/24/2003 9:27:11 PM PST by Valin (Age and Deceit, beat youth and skill)
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