USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

Mom's wisdom

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make:
He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question:
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy
who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down,
the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Chopper crash

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise
a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.
The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks,
this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Pilots jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot....

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into an aviator when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seeking Protection

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada,
known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see
a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Good afternoon everyone!

I gotta say that one of the first threads I read today was the "teachers in Maine" and oohhh boy did that PISS ME OFF.

But since today is "Humor day" I thought I would post these: While they are "Laws of EMS" - I'm sure all the military medics etc. will still know they are true for them as well.

The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.

corollary 2: Always order food 'to go.'

The Paramedical Laws of Time:
1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.

2. Given the following equation: T + 1 minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. i.e.; If you are supposed to get off shift at 1900, your last run will come in at 1859.

The Paramedical Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Paramedical Law of Inerita:
Patients that are in motion, tend to stay in motion.

corollary 1: This goes double near hills and staircases.

The Paramedical Law of Time and Distance:
The distance of the call form the hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases

corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.

The Paramedical Rule of Random Simultaneity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Rule of Respiratory Arrest:
All patients, for whom mouth-to-mouth resuscitation must be provided, will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, which was washed down with at least three cans of beer.

The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove assumption.

The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove assumption.

The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking; somebody is still missing.

The Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital probably knows your driver.

The First Rule of Equipment:
Any piece of life-saving equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a) You need it to save a life, or b) The salesman leaves.

The Second Rule of Equipment:
Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will, and self-starters won't.

The First Law of Ambulance Driving:
No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, unless you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast.

Paramedical Rules of the Bathroom:
1. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.

2. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.

3. If you have just not gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it.

The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.

Basic Assumption about Dispatchers:
Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.

corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a dispatcher.

corollary 2: Any street designated as a "Cross-street' by a dispatcher probably isn't.

corollary 3: If a street name CAN be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

corollary 4: If a street name CANNOT be mispronounced, a dispatcher WILL mispronounce it.

corollary 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field' is now covered by a shopping center.

The First Principle of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patent is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Rule:
Any injury, at which the sight of makes you sick, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.

The Rule of Funding and Donations:
funding and donations are received in amounts which are inversely proportional to need.

The First Law of EMS Supervisors:
Given the equation: X - Y = Quality of Care; where "X' is the care you render and 'Y' is the assistance supplied by the supervisor. If you can eliminate "Y' from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by 'X.'

corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the field.

corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The Law of Protocol Directives:
The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight' and flow rates as 'Hogsheads per Hour."

corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.

The Paramedical Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Paramedical Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is actually available to work on that patient

The Paramedical Theory of Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding and given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of that patient's illness or injury.

The Paramedical Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases by the square of the sum of the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient plus the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken and the Lights in the stairwell are out.

The Rules of No Transport:
1. A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of the patient whom you have just advised to go to the hospital in a private vehicle.

2. The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.

3. By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

The First Rule Of Bystanders:
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second Rule Of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, unless proven otherwise.

corollary 1: NEVER turn your back on a Proctologist.

The Rule of Warning Devices:
Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.

corollary 1: Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but transient,deafness.

corollary 2: Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but transient,blindness.

The Law of Show-and-Tell:
A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the ambulance and playing with the equipment.

corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it did to get them in.

corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.

The Rule of Rookies:
The true value of any rookie EMT or Driver, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number. The value of the number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from I to I 0.

For rookie EMT'S: I = Certified Health Hazard, I 0 = Member, ACEP For rookie Drivers: I = Obstruction to Navigation, 1 0 = Mario Andretti The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the rookie's self assigned value.

corollary 1: Treat any rookie EMT or Driver assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See the First Rule of Bystanders, above.)

The Rules of Distance:
The distance you have to travel to a call is in direct proportion to the seriousness of the call.

The Rules of Proximates:
The closer the call, the more ridiculous the call is.

The Rule of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.

....

Time Out: 16:38
KMG-365

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.