Posted on 01/23/2003 9:54:51 AM PST by Willie Green
For education and discussion only. Not for commercial use.
Couples who decide to live together before getting married are now more commonplace than those who choose to marry before sharing a residence, said Dorian Solot, co-author of the book Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple.
The book, co-written by Solot's partner Marshall Miller, explores the issues surrounding cohabiting couples and alternative families. According to Solot and Miller's statistics, two in every five college-age people cohabit.
Jessica Dobrowolski (senior-geographic information science) is among those who gave cohabitation a try.
"It causes a lot of added stress that you don't anticipate," Dobrowolski said. "I lived with just [my boyfriend] in the apartment ... I think the stress is lessened if you have other roommates and your boyfriend happens to be one of those other people."
She named cohabiting as a reason the relationship did not last.
"I am going to be very cautious before moving in with anyone else I am in a relationship with," she said.
Solot said Dobrowolski had learned an important lesson in cohabitation -- it is a decision to be made carefully.
"Also, for many students it works out really well to live with a significant other and other roommates, especially if each person has his or her own bedroom," Solot said. "Then you're sharing more time than you would have been, but each still has a private space to retreat to."
Bryan Koval (senior-secondary education) has been dating his long-distance girlfriend for 11 months. He said he thinks cohabiting could be a positive experience.
"This sounds cheesy, but she is my best friend. Before anything romantic, she's somebody I like hanging out with and being around," he said. "The fact that she's someone I feel very strongly about would be an added perk."
Couples thinking about upping their commitment level by cohabiting have a few things to talk about, Solot said.
"It sounds like Bryan and his girlfriend have a serious relationship and are thinking about moving toward a higher level of commitment," Solot said. "As a next step, they should consider what their attitudes toward marriage are, and if that's the direction they want to go, talk about a specific time frame."
Brooke Everett (senior-anthropology) said she has been with her boyfriend for about two years, but would not consider moving in together yet.
"Personally, I wouldn't do it at this point in my life, but I think it's important to do it before you're married," Everett said. "You can love a person to death, but if they drive you nuts to live with, it's not going to work."
Michael Kerns (junior-music performance) went through a divorce in his early twenties. In light of his first experience, he chose to move in with his present fiancée before deciding to marry again.
"You know, honestly, I do think it was beneficial [to cohabit] because ... there are a lot of things I wish I'd known about my first wife before we got married," he said. "I think I would have acted differently."
Kerns said he felt he made better choices as a result of learning from the past.
"Because [my fiancée and I] had both been married before, we'd learned a lot about ourselves and knew the kind of qualities we were looking for in a person," he said.
Solot said her best advice for couples considering cohabitation is to talk about it.
"So many couples make assumptions. If one thinks they're just going to save money on rent by moving in together and see how it goes and the other thinks they're practically engaged, they're going to have problems," Solot said. "But my partner and I lived together as college students and 10 years later, we're still committed, together and happy. There's a lot of cause for hope."
/rhetorical question
This is extremely common in the UK too. Why don't people just get married? Sheesh?
If you don't want kids to engage in premarital sex, scrap the idea that getting married young is bad.
Part of the problems is that the parents enable this behavior. One of my daughter's class-mates' mother actually paid for the couples rent and cleaned their apartment.
Because not everybody can just call the Spouse Eliminator (TOLL FREE! 1-800-WHACK-A-SPOUSE! WE GUARANTEE CHEAP PAINLESS DEE-VORCES DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR! CALL US TODAY AND WE'LL THROW IN A FREE GARLIC PRESS!)
If anything I would guess it would prevent divorce, unless the case is that the two people would've developed a better relationship while spending more time apart, which I guess could be the case with certain couples.
Ditto for Mrs. P. and I. But in retrospect, we should have been married straight off the bat, since there was no scenario in which I would have let her go in any case. If I weren't her husband, I'd be her stalker.
It seems to me that cohabitations either work out, in which case the couple might as well have been married straight away, or don't work out, in which case both parties end up wishing they hadn't moved in together in the first place. But then again, how many people can say ahead of time which course it will take?
Yep, many guys view it as an economical way to get some nookie until someone "better" comes along. Don't have to shell out all that $$$ to take a girl out on a date first. Of course, things DO get a little awkward when one tries to bring a date back to the apartment.
Not that I have any personal experience in this matter,
just an observation based on old college acquaintences who did.
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