Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[Publius6961]

Cute.

Took about 20 seconds to find the "Onion" logo.
Dacron and Sinutab sort of gave it away...

Although... (true story) a sister in Costa Rica knows a fellow by the name of "Usnavy"

[Capriole]

I've had several Porshe's over the years.

This is actually an old name. The trouble is that people who use it today don't know its derivation--it's not "Porsche," after the car, but "Portia," after the heroine in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice. Somehow the inner-city denizens heard the name and thought it referred to a vehicle, and so misspelled it. There are pretentions among people of all races, I guess, not just the white Americans.

[crystalk]

In Mexico, at least, shrimp are "camarones," so one shrimp is one camaron! It is also true that "camaron" can mean "big bed."

I was not, of course, aiming at spelling accuracy, just that the names sound the same, so are the same, if you are a kid on the playground.

[kaylar]

I can only assume she'd decided as a child,"Someday I'm gonna have a little girl an' I'll name her June Dawn", and so she did, even though the name is so...specific it seems odd for the actual birthdate that doesn't match. Then again, June is an older name, so perhaps the child is named for a great aunt or other relative.

[KriegerGeist]

"Notice how there are no more "Ned"s or "Sally"s?

It seems that "Tiffany", "Crystal", "Britney", Meghan (or Meggan/Meggen?) have gone out of style lately...

Those soap opera names are really hoaky and some are even political...like "Trent", "Chad" or "Brent", then there is "Brad", "Trevor", or "Cray"

It would be nice if the same people started naming their children after movie characters like "Aragorn" (or "Strider"), "Arwin", "Elrond" or "Celeborn", Galadriel, Theoden, Legolas, Isildur or Gandalf.

Or Matrix names like "Neo" "Morpheus", "Trinity", Oracle or Cypher.

[maxwell]

Whenever I see one of those clueless white trash monikers... Dakota, Montanna, Logan, Brianna, Cameron, Kaylie, Mackenzi, Tiffanie, Caleb, Cheyenne, etc.

Wasn't Caleb some dude in the Old Testament?
The rest I agree on. Whenever I see names like that I reflexively form an opinion of that person-- "just another brick in the wall. Insipid, uncreative, petulant, ineffective and boring. Limp handshake too, no doubt. Unworthy of my time." More often than not I'm right. I bet I ain't the only one who makes judgments like that, parents...

[Publius6961]

"Cameron" ought to be deleted with increasing knowledge of Spanish...it is the Spanish word for "shrimp."

Not exactly.
And it's not "cajones", either.

[OldBlondBabe]

Names popular in the '50s such as Barbara, Carol, Debbie, and Susan have now fallen out of favor.

Add to that, Kathy(Cathy), Karen, Cindy, Mary. I went to elementary school in the sixties and girls with these names (in addition to Debbie) were always addressed by the teachers with their first and last names because there were at least 2 or more with the same name in the class. The "Marys" were often, Mary Ellen, Mary Ann,etc.

[gitmo]

Didn't mean to suggest anything untoward. Sorry.

[Dog Gone]

but I think any kid named "Shonda Poo" may need some extra love in this world

Perhaps not as much as the other kid in attendance, Quita. Perhaps he/she will pronounce it like KEETA, instead of like KWITA.

Either way, the parent is obviously a losea.

[crystalk]

I have a second cousin born in 1951 who was given that name, and hated it. He actually as a teen had a PRIEST help him apply for a name change, saying that there was no saint by that name and thus he needed a first name that a saint had.

So he became JOSEPH Cameron..., and the middle name has never been heard from since.

[dogbyte12]

ABC News has a story about strange baby names.

Several kids are named Skyy, as in the Vodka,... there are Goudas, cappucinos, Veals, and bolognas. 29 girls born in 2000 named Whisper, 13 named Unique, and 54 named Sincere. Two kids are named ESPN..( pronounced Espen) after the sports channel. 5 kids were named Morpheus after the Matrix. 113 kids named Neo, and 4,551 girls named Trinity.

[csvset]

My wife was also in the Navy, she was stationed with a gal named Snow White as well as a Navy pilot named Dustin Storm and a Marine pilot with the first name Attila.

[crystalk]

I think "Sinutab" is popular because when they ran out of the Pill, they were hoping a Sinutab would do instead, and the child was the result.

[Libertina]

For black column, don't forget Marquis. Pronounced Marcus. lol

[Nea Wood]

The "Marys" were often, Mary Ellen, Mary Ann,etc.

I'm Nancy, and there were always five or six other Nancys in my class. We'd end up "Nancy 1," "Nancy 2," etc. That's why I hated my name! LOL

[foreverfree]

Bump

(and I don't mean Maury Wills' son)

foreverfree

[KriegerGeist]

"ROFLMAO! That's one of my favorite all-time skits from Saturday Night Live. A co-worker and I still call each other "Ahs-wee-pay" many years later."

Wasn't there a Eddie Murphy skit about the Little Rascals that he said something about their parents naming them after "breakfast food"?...."Buckwheat" (which he pronounced Butt-wheat), "Ferrina" and "Alfalfa"

[TontoKowalski]

I'm in agreement with you, maxwell. The other names on IH's list are unworthy of consideration, but Caleb is a good Biblical name.

Sadly, I also agree that I'm not as likely to take a "Dakota" as seriously as I would a "Daniel." I know it ain't right, but there you have it.

[Amelia]

We did not invent this name. But you obviously would not understand my culture and why this name is revered in it. (not a slam... just a fact...)

I obviously don't understand that, but I'd be truly interested in an explanation, not that you're required to give one.

My name is Richard. I refuse to use a nickname...

Don't blame you there.