Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[smoking camels]

There is nothing more pathetic than an ignorant person trying to save the world from ignorance.

[debg]

names of some of my past and present black female students: kesha, keisha, lakeisha, lakesha, takeisha, takesha, mokesha, tanya, tania, latanya, lawonda, estheregg.

[mountaineer]

I had a darling little black girl in my Pioneer Girls group whose parents' names were Ken and Sharon. Her name was a combination: Kenisha.

My white trash welfare queen cousin named her firstborn "Montanna." Ugh.

[Momaw Nadon]

[Mr Rogers]

I believe you - I just have a hard time understanding WHY someone would name a kid something like that. Of course, I had a neighbor who just burdened their daughter with an odd middle name...they said it was German. Don't remember how it was spelled, but they pronounced it She-at. That is one lttle girl who will NEVER use anything other than her middle initial S.

[Hebrews 11:6]

The White and Black lists are notable for the complete lack of Biblical names--the Asian list has a majority of them or their derivatives. Parents who do not name their children after Biblical characters or virtues are, I suspect, less likely to inculcate into them Biblical values.

If the Asians are only interested in assimilating into what they see as the dominant culture, rather than emulating the Bible, then their next generation will have names like Cameron and Antwaine, too.

[Kevin Curry]

"Brianna" is an extremely popular name for today's white female students.

There are two Briannas belonging to families in our general neighborhood; both girls are in their early teens. That would place the possible genesis of the name to the late 1980s or a bit earlier.

[Dog Gone]

A patient at the hospital where my wife works has the first name of LaTissue. I kid you not.

[EllaMinnow]

My local paper has a page in today where parents could buy space for a photo of a baby born in 2002. Out of the nearly 150 baby names on the page, there isn't a single one that I would name a child.
Particular standouts are JaColby (boy), Kolbie (girl) and Cerenity. And let's not forget Destinni.

I went to high school with a girl named Vaseline Wineglass - still the strangest name I've seen.

[Stultis]

"Nosmo" sounds like the lost Marx Brother.

[boris]

In this huge nation of ours, there must be a family somewhere with a little boy named 'Chad' and a little girl named 'Monica'...

[kaylar]

If it ends in an 'A' it's a girl's name ; if it ends in an "O" , it's a boy's name. (Yeah, I know about Dakota...).

Supposedly,many parents (apparently mostly white) had to be warned a few years ago by Hispanic doctors, nurses, janitorial staff, etc, that Macarena may sound pretty, but it's still not a very good name for a little girl....

[Willie Green]

Propecia and Sinutab???????????

Don't forget Dacron.

It's kind of surprising Velcro and Viagra didn't make the list this year.
Velveeta is an old time favorite as well.

[Stultis]

Blaze Foley is (was) a great Texas (I believe) singer, song writer.

[mountaineer]

I used to work in child support enforcement. We had a client, a welfare recipient, who bore the noble name Queen Esther T____. One of the fellows who owed child support - not to her, but to about four other women - was Thurston Howell J___. Nothing like being named after a Gilligan's Island character!

[kaylar]

I wonder if little Kolby has sisters named Brie or Mozarella.

[ErnBatavia]

....names generated from two sources: 1) the medicine cabinet - 2)freeway offramps (my preference would be Etiwanda....)

[boris]

"Tacoma" might be ok for a girl.

Notice how there are no more "Ned"s or "Sally"s?

Personally I like multisyllabic names, preferably with a Biblical ring (or at least Victorian):

Prudence
Zachariah
Zebulon
Prunella

I tried to get my Vet to name her daughter "Vulnavia" (after Dr. Phibe's wonderful assistant). No sale. Rats.

I suspect "Vulnavia" is a contraction of "Vulva" and "Navel" but I could be wrong..

--Boris

[Amelia]

At the same time, it is a very clever joke because it plays on a general truth: a lot of white, black, and Asian parents give their children names similar to these. It lampoons the high-chic pretentiousness of many white parents, the bizarre exotica preferred by many black parents, and the "don't have a clue" simplicity of many Asian parents.

Basically.

[smoking camels]

My 4 yr. old son is named Jayberry. I liked it because it was unique but not outlandish. The response has been very positive.