Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[Kevin Curry]

Oh, it is a joke. It's from the Onion.

At the same time, it is a very clever joke because it plays on a general truth: a lot of white, black, and Asian parents give their children names similar to these. It lampoons the high-chic pretentiousness of many white parents, the bizarre exotica preferred by many black parents, and the "don't have a clue" simplicity of many Asian parents.

[tom h]

Reminds me of the old Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue."

[Amelia]

I used to try to be open minded about some of these names, thinking that maybe they have some roots in African culture (i.e.: common names in certain areas/countries of Africa). But after seeing this, I'm beginning to re-think my observation.

No, no, no! They make them up. Seriously. They may combine the parents' names, or just choose something that "sounds pretty", but they make them up.

I used to teach high school biology in a largely minority area. In human genetics there was the "create a baby" lab, in which coins were flipped to determine which genes the baby would inherit. After all the characteristics were determined, the students could name the child and draw a picture of it. I got to watch the process first hand.

Summer, out of 100 students last semester, I had exactly one "David". I don't teach many Asians, so I couldn't comment on that part, but the article is pretty dead-on for the black & white students I teach.

[tom h]

"In my last year of teaching in Los Angeles, I had one female student named Latrina and another named Uterina. "

I couldn't say their names with a straight face. Even after a few weeks. Guess that's why I'm not a teacher.

[summer]

Summer, out of 100 students last semester, I had exactly one "David". I don't teach many Asians, so I couldn't comment on that part, but the article is pretty dead-on for the black & white students I teach.

Dearest Amelia, Thank you. Because you and I are both teachers, and have discussed on this forum and on freepmail the populations we teach and have taught, I knew you would reach the same conclusion I did about this graphic: It is correct with respect to white and black names of today's students.

[SubMareener]

My brother once taught a little girl named Nosmo King! Her mother couldn't read very well, but recognized her last name. When the nurse asked her for the babies name, she looked on the wall, and saw her name in the "No Smoking" sign, and called her new daughter, Nosmo!

[summer]

See posts #103 and #105.

[davisfh]

How about these names:

Gonorrhea Gloria (First name is pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable. It sounds like Gonoria.)

Madison Avenue Washington

Epluribus Wilson

Nosmo King (Inspired by a NO SMOKING sign in a hospital waiting room)

Simian Cook

Anus Brown

All of the above are from John Ross' novel "Unintended Consequences."

I have a few more of my own.

Formica Dinette

Female (prouounced Fa-Male') (Inspired by wrist tag on unnamed baby)

Twins named Fiero and Ciera (actually appeared as a one year birthday announcement in a local paper.)

Big Meat Brown (from an arrest announcement in local newspaper.)

And, that's about all I can think of, but there are many more and they get funnier as the years roll by and the disfunctionality of our society festers and grows.

[summer]

See posts #103 and #105.

[Mr Rogers]

Looks like the asians are the only ones left with any sense!

Austin? Dakota? What's next - naming your kid Chicago or New Mexico? And Brianna - isn't that some sort of food group? And Propecia... gall stone medicine, isn't it?

Looks like the whole country has gone light in the loafers.

[KriegerGeist]

There is always more good truck names where that one came from to choose:
Durango
Silverado
Tacoma
Avalanche
Ranger
Blazer
Sierra
Sonoma
Frontier
Tundra

Now, those are all good solid truck names for kids, but which ones for boys and which ones for girls?

[summer]

"Sierra" is a popular name for white girls, and I have taught a white male student named "Blaze."

[EggsAckley]

We musn't forget that memorable fellow in The Life of Brian:
"Biccus Diccus."

[summer]

"Austin" is now a very popular name for white boys.

BTW, I don't think these names are necessarily "bad" names, but, times have changed. That is my point. I doubt I will ever meet a little girl in school named "Shirley" or "Hazel" or even "Donna."

[MoralSense]

Okay, Freepers, I'm surprised I'm the first one to post this: Remember Rolonzo Philectron Cochrane, Johnny Cochrane's brother, who died in Los Angeles a few years back?

I worked in an elementary school for a while, and always expected to find some pretty little black girl who'd say her name was "Dixie Lisa," spelled D-Y-S-L-E-X-I-A.

[summer]

BTW, Alec Baldwin's daughter is named "Ireland." IMO, nothing wrong with that. And, since he and his former wife used that name, I expect I will eventually start seeing other "Irelands" in the schools. But not, for example, "Mary Ann" (unless it's an Asian student).

[summer]

BTW, Alec Baldwin's daughter is named "Ireland." IMO, nothing wrong with that. And, since he and his former wife used that name, I expect I will eventually start seeing other "Irelands" in the schools. But not, for example, "Mary Ann" (unless the student is an Asian student).

[KriegerGeist]

"And Brianna - isn't that some sort of food group?"

Brianna is either a name Stevie Nicks named herself or her kid or is a fictional name in one of her songs. Or it might be a goat cheese with a twist?

[summer]

"Brianna" is an extremely popular name for today's white female students.

[kaylar]

I've always wondered if there really was a Richard Weed or a Michael Hunt running around out there.

Regret is the only true weird black name I know of personally, but once at a job, we all got to discussing weird/unfortunate names people give their children. One of my black coworkers said she personally knew an Aquanetta. That wouldn't be too bad a name, if Aquanet the hair spray did not exist.

Just a few years ago (1996), a pregnant woman at yet another job mentioned that she knew she was going to have a girl, and that she intended to name her Keisha, pronounced KEY shuh. Her reasoning? "It's original, and she won't run into a lot of people who have that name too." This woman was white, BTW.

Bad baby names are funny for those who don't have to suffer them, but they can truly blight the victim's life. I believe that at least one little boy died because of his...unfortunate...name. His given Christian name was Stonewall Jackson "Whatever", and he was born in the 1980s. His parents called him Stoney. Sadly, little Stoney had some birth defects, fairly mild, but requiring surgery. The hospital allocated such surgeries on a 'triage' basis: Likelihood of the person's life expectancy and functioning being greatly improved if s/he got the surgery; severity of defects-and the education and intelligence of the parents. Little Stoney did not get the surgery and he died before his third birthday.When his parents learned that children with a less positive outcome prognosis and more severe defects had been granted the surgery ahead of him, they sued. Although my source book (I think it was the book Playing God in the Nursery) did not speculate, I believe that the doctors bumped Stoney down because they just assumed (possibly subconsciously) given his name, that his parents were too stupid and ignorant to provide him with proper aftercare, and that a child with a name celebrating a Confederate General was just "trash" anyway. This was not in a southern state, I believe the events occured in Illinois. Had the parents named the child Thomas Jackson "Whatever", he might be alive today.