Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[BamaDave]

"It's pronounced Ahs-wee-pay"

ROFLMAO! That's one of my favorite all-time skits from Saturday Night Live. A co-worker and I still call each other "Ahs-wee-pay" many years later.

[summer]

I grew up with one black family in my town, and the names of those kids were Gregory, Serina and Karen, and each was outstanding in either academics, the arts or sports.

But, today in the schools, I do not meet any students, of any color, named "Sue," nor do I meet black siblings with easily pronouncable names. When I went to school (and I am not that old at all), I knew a girl named "Louise." Yet, I have never met a student named "Louise" in today's schools.

As I said in my earlier post on this thread: Times have changed. That is my point.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Austin? Dakota? What's next - naming your kid Chicago or New Mexico?

Knew a family who had the custom of naming the children for where ever they were born, Their youngest was born in Las Vegas, (no, they did not name him that although they admitted they thought about Vegas if he had been a girl, ) they named him Nevada.

[EllaMinnow]

I know what you mean.
My son is named Samuel, after his great-grandfather. When he was little, he was the only Sam around - then there was a sudden burst of baby Sams when he was about 5 years old, but now it's rare again to see a baby Sam.

[habs4ever]

Those names bear too close a similarity to porn starlets and strippers, or so I've been told ;-)

[mlmr]

I vote Tiffany as the trashiest Girls name.

[SouthernFreebird]

You forget that ALL white people name their children after pickup trucks. Cheyenne, Dakota...

As a proud white Southerner, I named my child Cheyenne..... LOL

[mlmr]

Why dont they name them Ford, GMC etc?

[StriperSniper]

Ever seen a "Female" [pronounced: Fa-MA-lee]

Not personally, but a friend went to grade school with one. She even showed me the class picture to prove it.

[mlmr]

I agree. My children all have classic or biblical names and when we come through the door for appointments people do not expect them to be black. It also opens doors for them to be joined into the dominent culture

[Kevin Curry]

I vote Tiffany as the trashiest Girls name.

Among my generation "Candy" likely gets the nod.

Any female name that cannot age gracefully with its bearer is suspect.

[Amelia]

My children all have classic or biblical names and when we come through the door for appointments people do not expect them to be black. It also opens doors for them to be joined into the dominent culture

I believe in classic or biblical names as well - preferably names that can have more than one nickname, so that if the child gets older and doesn't like the name, he or she has a couple of options - example, Elizabeth for a girl could be "Liz", "Beth", "Liza", etc.

[TontoKowalski]

I wonder if the traditional names aren't making a comeback. My son's Cub Scout Den includes boys named Matthew, Joshua, Jay, Michael, and Ben. Of course, there are also several whose names would not have been common 100 years ago.

[kaylar]

I wonder if anyone ever took a cue from Tony,Orlando, & Dawn, and chose "Candida" as a classier alternative to Candy? I can't see how anything could be worse than that.

[Nea Wood]

Thanks for a fun thread! I've long been interested in this topic.

I find it fascinating the way moms (at least white ones) often try to give their kids glamorous, exotic, "special" names, but they evidently do not research the names, because they always pick the same names every other white mom is picking! Then, when they take their kids to preschool for the first time, they are suprised to see that half the other kids in the preschool have the same "unusual" name!

Throughout the '70s, '80s, and into the '90s, the name "Jennifer" seemed to reign supreme. Every time I'd hear about someone having a baby girl during those decades, and I'd ask what they planned to name her, I'd get one of two answers. Either, "Oooooh, I'm going to name her Jennifer!! I just looooooove the name Jennifer!!!" Or, "Well, I wish I could name her Jennifer, but my cousin/sister/whatever already named her baby that, so I can't, darn it!" Each of these moms was convinced that she'd chosen a very unique, special name, too. And maybe that's a good thing, since people who truly *do* have unusual names often hate them. But as one who grew up with an extremely common name, I hated THAT!

I'm sure all these people who are naming their kids Cameron or Dakota honestly think they're being "unique." The Camerons and Dakotas being born today will be tomorrow's Karens, Mikes, Kathys and Daves.

I've noticed black parents seem to love the name Demitrius for boys. Not sure why.

I like the names Asians choose best! They're nice, sensible names with timeless appeal. Isn't it funny how certain names such as Amy, Elizabeth, or Daniel, which were popular in the 1800s, never seem to go out of fashion, while other names do? Names popular in the '50s such as Barbara, Carol, Debbie, and Susan have now fallen out of favor.

Anyway, fun topic! :-)

[TontoKowalski]

Any female name that cannot age gracefully with its bearer is suspect.

I agree. Harkening back to my post #157, a child needs a name that will take him far, and serve him well in later life. A five year old Tiffany may be a darling, but one day, God willing, she'll be a grandma.

"We're going to Granny Tiffany's for Thanksgiving." Just doesn't sound right.

[Atlas Sneezed]

"How about these names: Gonorrhea Gloria"

You are probably thinking of the character "G. G. Jackson", a corrupt and inept FBI agent in the outstanding book "Unintended Consequences" by John Ross.

[WKB]

A school teacher pal of mine had a brother and sister from the same family in his class. They are Orangello and Lemonjello, pronounced Or-ANG-ja-lo and Le-MON-ja-lo.

If these kids are in Vicksburg Ms I know who you are talking about!

[Mr. Toobeley]

My brother, a surgeon, was talking to a patient some years ago and learned that one of her children was named Placenta. "How'd you pick that name?" he asked. "Well," said the patient, "When I was having my baby, the doctor, he say, 'Here come Placenta,' and Placenta done came.'"

[Nea Wood]

"We're going to Granny Tiffany's for Thanksgiving." Just doesn't sound right.

It doesn't sound right today, but 60 years from now, there will be so many Granny Tiffanys that Tiffany will be considered an "old lady name," just like Edna or Edith might be considered old lady names today! :-) How funny to think of little old ladies named Heather, Caitlyn and Stephanie, but that's how it will be someday!