Posted on 06/10/2002 10:50:40 AM PDT by Redcloak
This is the most difficult post I've ever had to write. I've seen a number of people here asking for prayer from other believers. Scripture tells us that this is what we should do in times of crisis; pray one for another. I never thought that I'd be the one having to write a post like this. I need your prayers for myself and my family.
Thursday was the worst day of my entire life. My wife and I were expecting our son to be born next week via Caesarean section. It was scheduled for Wednesday the 12th. My wife went for a last checkup before the birth that afternoon. At that exam, the doctor could not locate a heartbeat. After a we got him out, we could see that he had gotten twisted and tangled in his umbilical cord. My son Forrest had died before he could be born.
I've seen countless news stories about people losing children. Despite having a daughter (She's 5) of my own, I could never imagine the pain that a parent would feel at such a time. I would tried to empathize by asking myself "what if" questions, but I'd find that my mind wouldn't want to go there. I'd shudder and slam that line of thought shut before I went to far and began to get an idea of what terrible things lie in that place. I suppose that the mind won't let you go there because subconsciously you know it's too awful to look at. Now I'm there in that horrible place. I never imagined one could feel such sorrow and pain.
However, in the midst of this great pain, I have had great joy as well. I know that my son is with the Lord right now. I know that he's experiencing joy and happiness far beyond what any of us can imagine. And I wouldn't begrudge him an instant of it. I know that God has a plan for each of our lives. We all have a role to play in His plan. Forrest completed his role and he's gone home. But still, the grief overwhelms me at times. I'll see something of his, a toy or a piece of clothing, and the tears return. I can't begin to describe how much I'll miss him.
There's something else I've learned in all of this pain. However much this hurts me, it hurts God worse. We cannot truly comprehend how much God loves us. And we do not realize how thoroughly he knows what we think and feel. He knows what's happening deep in our souls better than we do. God knows the true extent to which I am hurting. I know that the mind will play little tricks on itself to prevent some traumas from being felt full force and that these little tricks are dulling my pain. I'm not seeing all that there is to see of it. But God is aware of the pain's true magnitude and His love for us magnifies His pain.
I'm trying to keep focused on where Forrest is now; not how he was on Thursday. I need your prayers asking God to help me to keep in the right frame of mind; to not drift off into thoughts of the past. I'm also asking that you pray for my wife. As bad as my pain is, hers is worse. I also need God's guidance in how to help her. I keep remembering the look of panic she had in her eyes as the doctor searched in vain for a heartbeat and how awful I felt not being able to do anything about it for her. Lastly, I ask that you pray for my daughter. At times she talks about how her brother is with God. At other times, she talks how "the doctors are making Forrest better." I cannot tell is she is truly having trouble dealing with this or if it's simply a 5 year old's imagination at work. My wife and I both need God's help in guiding her through this.
May the Holy Spirit comfort all of your family, and the peace that passes all understanding be real to you, now more than ever.
Losing a child is never easy. Remember women and men grieve differently and your wife is also dealing with post-partum and surgery. Be kind to yourselves.
I lost my Bryan at 33 days. My Jeremy at 16 yrs.
PS. I did not lose a child, but rather lost a husband. Where I found help was Beginning Experience, an ecumenical peer ministry for those who are grieving a loss, be it through a divorce or a death. Click on my name to read my story.
God Bless you, your family, and your precious baby.
Peace be with you.
It's been a tough week here at FR.
My parents explained we'd always have an extra guardian angel, a brother with whom we'd never fight but who'd always be on the lookout for us.
Presented thus, it all seemed so wonderful -- a brother in Heaven who was happy and would look after us until we finally met one day -- that I never really gave a lot of thought to how painful was their loss ... until I was much older and visited his grave with my folks, each of them still possessed of their own painful and private memories. My Dad was simply very quiet. My Mother sobbed.
After my Mom's and my trip, she brought out my brother's baby book once we returned home to Tulsa; it was the first and last time I've ever seen it. Her signature scrapbook style detailed the showers, gifts, happy notes of congratulations and expectation and -- turning a page -- was then full of telegrams of condolences and sorrow.
I always visit his grave any time I'm passing through Topeka. I know the way by heart. I figure that's also how I'll know it's he should I make to heaven to join him one day.
I am so sorry for your loss and do hope what strength you seem to have at present will indeed help you look after your wife. (It's my Mom who needed someone to lean on at the grave some 25 years later.) I shall keep all of you in my prayers and know my family will too ... especially my Mom who reads these pages.
During the delivery of our first child he got twisted in his umbilical cord and it was slowing his heartbeat down. It was pretty frightening at the time, lots of people were swirling in and out of the room in a big hurry. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have lost him, coming close was hard enough.
Stay with your wife, she will need you badly. Our prayers go up for you tonight.
patent
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