Posted on 01/02/2002 6:49:27 AM PST by dead
Is it really so hard to understand, asks Rachel Roberts, that there can be more to a couple's relationship than having children?
I am one of a growing number of women who will elect not to have children. And at least in my experience, the decision to not have children isn't one that is met with much enthusiasm.
From the family, there are comments like "But don't you want us all to have kids playing together at birthday parties and barbecues?" and "I've just always thought that part of a couple's life together is having a family".
From friends, there are protests like "But you'd make such great parents!" or "You've had such a good family life, don't you want to re-create that yourself?"
On the whole, though, the standard response is scepticism. Brush-offs. "Oh, you say that now, but wait till you turn 30!" And "I thought that, too, when I was your age but, trust me, that biological clock really gets you."
Well, I am fast approaching 30 and I have never been surer that I don't want children. My partner feels the same. We have thought about it a lot and have decided time and again that no, it's not for us. We don't want to be woken up at all hours to attend a screaming infant that knows only the need to suck. We don't want to sacrifice our time and energy chasing death-defying toddlers or taxiing around teenagers who have recently learnt to hate us.
More importantly, neither of us (me, especially) wants to see my body torn asunder during childbirth. We already love our life the way it is, child-free. And that is why the brush-off response interests me the most.
It's as though those who either have, or some day want, children refuse to recognise other possibilities in life. They are mentally closing off to paths different from their well-worn one. Particularly for women, it seems that in the face of all political and cultural change, we can always rely on some things staying the same.
Thirty years on from second-wave feminism, people are still incredulous of the woman who declares she doesn't want to be a mother.
Feminists have long argued that the social and political resistance to women who choose to remain child-free reflects a far deeper cultural anxiety about what is expected of women. Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.
Since day dot, motherhood has been viewed as the natural female career. And now, thanks to an enduring belief in biological determinism, the desire to bear children continues to be seen in terms of instinct, as a drive that is universally hard-wired into the female psyche. To be a normal woman, we must at least want children, even if for some reason we cannot have them.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say, we've all done Feminism 101 - tell us something we don't know. Well, having experienced the reactions couples meet when revealing that they do not want children, I suspect there is something more at play than simply challenging the traditional ideology that surrounds women. Certainly a woman who elects not to have children is treading a less orthodox path. However, it's not just the woman's decision to not have children that disturbs convention, but the man's as well. As partners they upset traditional understandings of what heterosexual love is about. Why do I think this? Well, when was the last time any of us saw a romantic film where one lover whispers to the other "I love you so much, darling, I never want to have your baby!" It just wouldn't seem right.
From wedding ceremonies to popular culture, we are saturated with the idea that children are the symbol of a man and woman's love for each other. Undoubtedly the outcome of their physical union, children are moreover portrayed as the embodiment of a couple's emotional bond. The place where a man and woman's DNA and souls enmesh.
Having children remains integral to our contemporary mythology of love and desire, and those couples who reject parenthood disappoint our romantic expectations. They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love.
So perhaps that is why society shrugs off couples who don't want children. Perhaps the sceptical comments from family and friends reflect an unwillingness to accept romantic defeat. At the very least, it shows a distinct lack of imagination when it comes to recognising signs of love.
After all, for couples like us, the real romance is in being child-free.
Rachel Roberts is a freelance writer.
Except your decision. We are quite enthusiastic about that. Can you give a Darwin award to a feminist?
patent
Well I applaud her decision and am thankful this shallow, selfish couple will not be passing their values along to the next generation.
Being a wife and mother is the greatest joy I've ever know...far surpassing the child-less, free to pursue my own interest years.
I didn't think I would ever want children when I was in my late 20s either...there is quite a wakeup call when you hit your 30s and you realize you're fast approaching a time when you won't be able to have any children.
If this is the way she views motherhood, she and her "partner" are better off not having any children. However, I'd be interested to hear what she has to say 5 years from now...I'd almost bet money she will have changed her tune by then....
-penny
Do you not agree that her statements in this article (not merely her decision, which is not inherently wrong) could reasonably lead somebody to conclude that she is bitter, selfish, and utterly self-centered?
From an anthropoligical perspective, love is a great way to ensure that kids, who take a very long time to grow up, and a HUGE output of resources while they're growing up, have two parents in order to achieve that. Besides, what does this idiot think "desire" is for? Nothing more than fun? Not that it ISN'T fun. Oh, she's a feminanazi, I almost forgot. To her, sex is probably just an act of domination by a penis attached to a man.
"They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love"
IMO, they let society as a whole down when they DO procreate, and make even more maladjusted people for society to cope with. For this reason, I applaud this female's decision not to foist her screwed up offspring on us...I just HATE it when they use these issues as soapboxes, though.
Bi-polar... I new a girl like that once.... (sigh)
Or
Nope, it's multiple personality disorder, we have multiple moderators and they each have their own personality.
OR
This author and her partner sound bi-polar to me... hehehe
. . . who never learned how to spell "skeptical."
Or just plain "bi?"
Given her self-absorption, let's hope not. Would you really wish this woman and her "partner" on an innocent baby?
How to tell if you are a feminist hag (or any other liberal for that matter):
When a personal choice becomes a crusade with which to take on the world.
It isn't enough to simply decide not to have kids, she has to preach to us about not having kids.
There is too much pressure to have children. The love I have for my daughter is larger than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. I would trade my life for her happiness without a second thought. That being said...I would probably not be married to her mother if it weren't for the presuure of having children. I am great at being a father. I am not so great at being a husband. Not that I am doing anything immoral or deceitful towards my wife or my committment. I just believe that I was not designed to be married.
It's sad.
But my daughter has brought me a happiness that I never thought I could experience. I was curious as to whether anyone here could relate.
Give the lady credit for her honesty at least, and lets hope she doesn't have any kids. My wish would be that all other future "bad mothers" and bad parents, would NOT have children. Leaves the rest of us with fewer messed up kids to begin with, plus, it helps clear up the gene pool.
Yeah, better that she doesn't have children. Too many children are already being raised by daycares instead of their parents.
Yes. I feel a tender sympathy for their blind cluelessness, and hope for their sakes that God overrules their fear and stubbornness as he did mine.
Maybe everybody that likes kids and wants kids should just learn to accept that theirs is NOT a universal belief and go on with their lives. None of "us" are trying to talk people out of having kids, why do "you" feel the need to harp on those that have decided the other way? Handle it and move on. Whether or not there is or ever will be a basinet in my house is nobody's concern but my wife and I's, much like the existences of a basinet in somebody else's house is none of my business. If anything the nagging and holier than thou attitude just makes us dig our heals in further, America is after all a rather free spirited country and American's a notorious for refusing to give into nagging even when they agree with it.
You sound like my father. Great dad, not so great husband. I know he has suffered marriage in order to provide for his family. None the less, I consider him the greatest man I have ever known.
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