Posted on 01/02/2002 6:49:27 AM PST by dead
Is it really so hard to understand, asks Rachel Roberts, that there can be more to a couple's relationship than having children?
I am one of a growing number of women who will elect not to have children. And at least in my experience, the decision to not have children isn't one that is met with much enthusiasm.
From the family, there are comments like "But don't you want us all to have kids playing together at birthday parties and barbecues?" and "I've just always thought that part of a couple's life together is having a family".
From friends, there are protests like "But you'd make such great parents!" or "You've had such a good family life, don't you want to re-create that yourself?"
On the whole, though, the standard response is scepticism. Brush-offs. "Oh, you say that now, but wait till you turn 30!" And "I thought that, too, when I was your age but, trust me, that biological clock really gets you."
Well, I am fast approaching 30 and I have never been surer that I don't want children. My partner feels the same. We have thought about it a lot and have decided time and again that no, it's not for us. We don't want to be woken up at all hours to attend a screaming infant that knows only the need to suck. We don't want to sacrifice our time and energy chasing death-defying toddlers or taxiing around teenagers who have recently learnt to hate us.
More importantly, neither of us (me, especially) wants to see my body torn asunder during childbirth. We already love our life the way it is, child-free. And that is why the brush-off response interests me the most.
It's as though those who either have, or some day want, children refuse to recognise other possibilities in life. They are mentally closing off to paths different from their well-worn one. Particularly for women, it seems that in the face of all political and cultural change, we can always rely on some things staying the same.
Thirty years on from second-wave feminism, people are still incredulous of the woman who declares she doesn't want to be a mother.
Feminists have long argued that the social and political resistance to women who choose to remain child-free reflects a far deeper cultural anxiety about what is expected of women. Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.
Since day dot, motherhood has been viewed as the natural female career. And now, thanks to an enduring belief in biological determinism, the desire to bear children continues to be seen in terms of instinct, as a drive that is universally hard-wired into the female psyche. To be a normal woman, we must at least want children, even if for some reason we cannot have them.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say, we've all done Feminism 101 - tell us something we don't know. Well, having experienced the reactions couples meet when revealing that they do not want children, I suspect there is something more at play than simply challenging the traditional ideology that surrounds women. Certainly a woman who elects not to have children is treading a less orthodox path. However, it's not just the woman's decision to not have children that disturbs convention, but the man's as well. As partners they upset traditional understandings of what heterosexual love is about. Why do I think this? Well, when was the last time any of us saw a romantic film where one lover whispers to the other "I love you so much, darling, I never want to have your baby!" It just wouldn't seem right.
From wedding ceremonies to popular culture, we are saturated with the idea that children are the symbol of a man and woman's love for each other. Undoubtedly the outcome of their physical union, children are moreover portrayed as the embodiment of a couple's emotional bond. The place where a man and woman's DNA and souls enmesh.
Having children remains integral to our contemporary mythology of love and desire, and those couples who reject parenthood disappoint our romantic expectations. They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love.
So perhaps that is why society shrugs off couples who don't want children. Perhaps the sceptical comments from family and friends reflect an unwillingness to accept romantic defeat. At the very least, it shows a distinct lack of imagination when it comes to recognising signs of love.
After all, for couples like us, the real romance is in being child-free.
Rachel Roberts is a freelance writer.
Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.
Biological femininity as well, dingbat.
I really don’t care if some woman doesn’t want to have children, but this bitter feminist just seems to be a miserable person.
She's right though, if she did have children they would learn to hate her. Probably wouldn't wait till they were teenagers.
Says it all.
My partner feels the same.
Hmmm....
I can well understand this sentiment, because I always felt the same way and was childless until I was 48. Then the good Lord saw fit to bless me and my wife with the birth of our beautiful daughter in October 1998.
I could not have known the total joy I was missing, and I thank God every day that I have been given the great gift of fatherhood.
Like my brother (who has two grown boys) always said: "You don't know what love is until you have kids."
Of course, in my childless days I thought he was going a little overboard with that sentiment. But now the scales have fallen from my eyes and I understand.
My wish for the author of this piece is that she eventually has the opportunity to know first hand what it feels like to have your own child throw her arms around your neck and hug you for dear life.
But I thought you wanted this thread pulled?
Please pull this post. It offends me.
You're absolutely correct. I wouldn't wish a mother like her on any innocent child.
Rachel, you may find this hard to believe, but Life isn't always about you!
Another selfish poster-hag for Planned Barrenhood™. Thank God she won't be reproducing.
You just don't understand how to be a victim, my friend.
You need to learn how to blame it all on "society", if you want to get anywhere....
< /sarcasm >
I know plenty of men who have no instincts or desire to have a child at all, including my brotherS in law. Kids just don't interest them. Do you feel the same way about them?
Partner? A partner is someone you are dancing with or a person with whom you own a business. A husband -- ever hear that word? -- is the one you want to consult with regarding possible parenthood. And, Rachel honey, we don't want you to have children either, trust me. But I am willing to bet that people would not comment on your lack of ambition toward motherhood it you were not in their faces about your intentions. So, shut up already, and they'll leave you alone. I seriously doubt that total strangers accost you on the street to question your lack of progeny.
My personal view is that she is one hate-filled feminist bent on some type of revenge against her parents and her ex-spouse.
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