Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
"The response has been enormous with over 10,000 jokes submitted and over 100,000 people from over 70 countries rating them," commented Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire in England, who devised "Laughlab".
A joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool emerged the overall winner, with a top rating from 47% of those taking part.
Dr Wiseman stressed that the results were preliminary: "The data collection period will continue till March 2002 when we move to the second phase of the experiment. In the meantime we challenge people to submit a funnier joke."
The experiment also identified the worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. "This is an intriguing finding, and we will be carrying out more research to discover exactly what is going on here," said Dr Wiseman.
One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however.
One joke which had the Germans in stitches involved a long-winded description of how to tell the weather by placing your dog outside the back door and examining its fur. It ends: "Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, the CAT."
Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Norway's least favourite joke was submitted by UK scientist and presenter, Adam Hart-Davis.
Men and women favour different types of jokes. Top jokes for males involve aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females prefer jokes involving word play. "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."
The experiment was devised in collaboration with the British Association for the Advancement of Science as part of Science Year, a British Government initiative which aims to raise awareness of science among young people.
The website (www.laughlab.co.uk) gives people the opportunity to submit jokes and also rate jokes submitted by others on a five-point 'smileometer' scale. Sue Hordijenko of the British Association said: "Laugh Lab looks set to be the most far-reaching psychology experiment ever."
The best joke:
The best joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
The runner-up
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The worst
The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
- Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck
The leading jokes around the world were:
Australia:
A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note went to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
Britain:
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."
France:
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
Finland:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Belgium:
"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."
Norway:
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands to attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says: "Well, she was a good wife for 16 years."
Germany:
Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well done.
Sweden:
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
Canada:
What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? - Beatrix.
New Zealand:
A priest conducts a service in church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.
"Who has donated a thousand dollars?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I'll have him, him and him."
Sexes divided by humour
THE following jokes were all loved by men and disliked by women:
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief, he realises that it is only a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask: "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies: "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."
A man runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!" She says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies: "I don't care ... just pack and shove off!"
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
In contrast, women preferred jokes involving word plays. The following jokes came top of the ratings for females but were disliked by men:
A man said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought: "That's a turn-up for the books."
A man had a dog called Minton. One day it ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!
A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: "A pint for me and one for the road."
"A football player was doing poorly in math class. Inorder to help the guy make the team, the professor proposes a single question quiz."I know that one as...
The idiot ___[fill in the blank] goes to a job interview. The interviewer, all too aware of PC rules, feels compelled to give a fair interview to the idiot, regardless of the obvious disqualifications. So the man figures a way to get rid of the idiot as quickly as possible & have a little fun with it at the time. He tells the idiot there are three questions that must be answered to get the job.
How many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
"Two," answers the idiot.
"Right -- And which ones?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"...uh, yeah," the man says, already exasperated. The idiot got away with that one, so now it's time to get tough, the man thinks. "OK, then. How many seconds in a year?"
"Twelve."
"Twelve?" the mans gasps, incredulous.
"Yeah, January second, February second, March second..."
"Ok. Ok." Thinking to himself, jeeze, gotta get rid of this idiot, the man continues. "Alright, last question: What's God's first name?"
"Art," says the idiot matter-of-factly.
"Art???"
"Sure. 'Our Father, who Art in Heaven...'"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?Why'd the other monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why'd the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why'd the cow roll down the hill?
It had no legs.
Ok, ok, I'll stop there...
Great joke!
My faves have to be the old "Sofe" (sp?) jokes, none of which are appropriate for an open forum...
Mathematician: We don't know why horses win, but we can estimate their chances. I propose doing a multiple-regression computation with horse age, jockey, track condition, last race, and a few more things as independent variables. We should be able to rank horses as to their chances to win.
Chemist: The horse that's in the best physical condition should win. I propose to take hair clippings, urine samples, saliva samples, blood samples, before a race and determine which horse is in the best shape.
Physicist: Consider a spherical horse....
At the end of the first day the Manager comes down to find his new hire. "How did you do today, Tex?", asks the Manager. "Well, I only got one sale today, sir, but I'll get better.", says the embarrased Texan. The manager consoles him "Well, one sale on your first day isn't too bad, how much was it?" "$102,435.58", replies the Texan. The manager is stunned. "How did you make a $100 thousand sale?" "Well, it was like this...
A man was buying a set of fishing lures, when I noticed they were freshwater lures, so I said to him that the best fishing was saltwater. He agreed and went and got a set of saltwater lures. After he bought those, I asked him what kind of reel system he had, and I told him he really needed a better system, so he went and bought a new rod and reel. I asked him where he would be fishing and he told me standing on the shore. I convinced him that shore fishing was no good, so I took him to the boat department and set him up with a twin engine Criss Cross. I asked him what he was going to tow it home with, and when he said a Honda Accord I took him to automotive and set him up with a new SUV."
The manager was stunned. "So this guy walks in to buy a set of lures and you sell him a boat and a SUV?" "Nope," replies the Texan, "He came in to buy a box of tampons, so I said since your weekend is shot anyway, you might as well go fishing."
Football Player: No, I don't.
Chemistry Professor: That's correct!
The architect's dog comes in and builds a scale model of the Eiffel Tower.
Most impressive, the others agree.
The doctor's dog proceeds to perform a c-section on a cow.
Very fine, the others applaud.
Now comes the attorney's dog.
He scr*ws the other two dogs and runs off with their bones...
Kinda reminded me of this one....
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forrest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks. :)
One of these gov’t employees arrived at the vacaville insane asylum
Upon entering, he announced why he was there, and asked to see the works so he could comment on the moneys being sent there.
The warden, eager to cooperate, explained that they would conduct a tour of the nearly rehabilitated wards.
They came to the first door, and the state employee (SE) looked through the small window to observe an inmate sitting on a stool and playing the air trombone.
Asks the SE, “ What are you doing?”
The inmate replied, “I was a mother raper, a drug dealer, killed both of my parents, but now, now I am rehabilitated, I am learning how to play the trombone so I can join the philidelphia philharmonic orchestra. I will be released in 10 days.”
The SE responds, “ well, it looks like your on your way, and money is being used effectively.”
He goes to the next window, and looks inside. There is another inmate sitting on a stool playing the air piano.
He asks the inmate, “What are you doing?”
The inmate replys, “I was a axe murderer, a heroin addict, and bank robber. But I am learning to play the piano. I will be joining the local choir upon my release in 2 weeks.”
The SE writes on his clipboard that indeed, the money is being well spent.
He gets to the third window and looks inside, to see an inmate, naked a jaybird, holding a wicker basket with a hole cut in the side, that he is humping with his penis.
The SE asks, “what are you doing?”
The inmate replies,” Im F*cking nuts! I’m never getting out of here!
They got this joke wrong. It goes like this:
< / redface>
WHEE-EEE!!
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