Posted on 08/28/2006 4:09:24 AM PDT by RobFromGa
Dear Rob,
"Cheated" twice with a couple beers a couple times over the last couple days, though, nominally, it'll be three weeks "clean" on Tuesday. This adds to guilt, but is the only way I can get myself relaxed enough to keep from bawling out of extremely-uncool and undeserved self-pity.
I'm under great medical observation, and a crapload of antidepressants [x,y, and z].
Tell me, Rob, what it is I'm recovering "from" and why, since this world is such a [messed up] place? When I was a drunk, sure, I'd be moody in the mornings, productive at work (and I NEVER drank during the day), and everyone's friend once I got home. Now it's just constant depression and having to face a [messed] up world (with way too many liberals in it .
I'm a very proud, spiritual Christian, but I'm even too ashamed to pray, at least at length, since both He and I know that I am the problem.
The real abstraction here is if this horrid beautiful watery place is better with or without my presence. That last sentence isn't a "cry for help - please hug me I'm hurting, Oprah" throwaway - it's a serious question about which me is better: the happy, intoxicated, likely-to-be-shorter-lived friend of everyone, or the stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober me who no one will ever trust again since he had such "deep issues".
What I need is reason/cognition/rationalization, and maybe I'll increase my [x] or extend it for a couple more weeks.
You're an Internet pal, trustworthy by sheer virtue of being a Conservative, and, your advice and wisdom is easier to follow exactly because I do NOT know you personally.
If you don't mind redacting my screenname, feel free to poll/ping the Recovery List. I'll "come out" when I'm ready, I promise.
God Bless You and have a great week,
That's where I was on June 13, 1988.
Tho raised in the church, I could not bring myself to ask for God's help with my life, and had pretty much consigned myself to drinking myself to death. So... God decided to take matters into his own hands... on the way home after spending the day at Lake Travis, helping Austin Yacht Club empty their kegs left over from the weekend's regatta, I ran off the road at a curve that I'd successfully negotiated 4 bazillion tomes before.
Hit a tree at ~40mph without my seatbelt on, went halfway thru the windshield on the passenger side..
..and walked away from it...
I laid in bed the next day, having that wreck replayed to me, over and over and over again, without a doubt in my mind as to who the 'projectionist' was. Started calling a few friends to tell them what had happened again (this was my 9th wreck & 8th totaled vehicle), until I finally called my little sister. My atheist little sister, I might add, who told me that 'perhaps God had taken my last card away'.
That was my moment of clarity, when I knew that I couldn't keep living the way I was living. Can't say that it was all peaceful feeling, more like I felt the slate was being wiped clean, and God was telling me - what do you want to do it about this, it's up to you to decide what all this means. I made it to my 1st AA meeting 2 days later. I remember when they circled up at the end of the meeting, to "close in an unusual manner' as I mis-heard the chairperson say. It was certainly an unusual manner for me.
They started the Lord's Prayer, and I could have easily thought 'Oh jeez, this is a religious cult' and decided it wasn't for me.
Instead, I remember feeling that God was talking to me once again 'See? I'm here, too, r4f. You made it to the right place'.
I got the one thing I needed that day at my first meeting - I got hope, the hope that I could actually stop drinking, after drinking pretty much every day for the prior 22 years.
It's been 18 years as of last June 14th, and for that I am grateful. I show my gratitude by working with sponsees, and still making meetings regularly, waiting for the next 'r4f' to walk in with that look of terror in their eyes that says that they have no idea how to stop.
That's the only way I can even begin to repay the debt that I owe to the folks who were sitting in my 1st meeting, waiting for me to walk in and say "My name is Ready4Freddy, and I'm an alcoholic..."
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You are yet another living proof that this can be accomplished...
Freeper in need, I hope you are seeing what you need here on this thread. We all care about you and want you to succeed! You can make it through to the far bank.
Tell our fellow FReeper that he or she needs to CHOOSE life! satan would love to eliminate this person from the face of the earth. he comes against us with any number of demonic spirits and this precious one needs to press into God and ask for deliverance from these thoughts.
God has placed you, dear one, on this earth for a purpose. satan wants to thwart that purpose. CHOOSE LIFE! Read healing scriptures from the Bible. Learn them, throw them in satan's face whenever you get thoughts of despair or suicide. God has a purpose for YOU. I will pray for you, too.
Good post, Bill. Thanks.
Tons of good advice here for everyone with or without addictions.
The 'stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober' you who will be trusted again even with 'deep issues'. Depression doesn't last forever. It just feels like it. HANG IN THERE! It will get better. I am an expert on the subject, not by choice, but by being the child of an alcoholic.
Sometimes it's difficult to pray to God, knowing that we're in ongoing sin that we, for whatever reason, cannot at that point in time extricate ourselves.
God wants you to call out to Him. Talk to him as you would a friend. I went through something quite a few years ago that I knew God would disapprove of. I thought I knew better than God and that that particular situation was right for me. I ended up praying that He would help me live my life in His will, and if He wanted me out of that situation, I needed His help. Shortly after I started praying that way, the situation resolved itself, not the way I'd originally hoped for, but in the long run I can see the wisdom of God's way as opposed to what I'd hoped for.
What I'm saying is that sometimes we're too weak to do what we should do, so asking God to help us to make that change will help. Rather than avoiding prayer because you're ashamed, please go to God and ask him to help you through your situation so that you can live the way He wants you to. He knows we're not perfect and that we're weak.
I'll pray for you, whoever you are. :-)
a) The man felt put upon because he had no shoes until he met a man with no feet..
b) another man felt put upon because he had no feet until he met a man with no feet or arms..
c) another man felt put upon because he had no feet or arms until he met a man with no feet, arms and was BLIND..
** like that... count you're blessings, count them one by one.. there are thousands that would like to be in your place...
Perhaps he should see a nutritionist as well. I had heard alcoholics lacked Vitamin B (not sure which one) along with others, I'm sure. Had a husband and two siblings who wouldn't quit drinking and they are no longer with us. I'm sure if they had gone to AA they would still be here. Their bodies couldn't take it anymore. Eat well, exercise, take vitamins and see a nutritionist.
Your post reminded me that I have read that depressed people are often low on Omega 3 and 6 essential fatty acids. They are fabulous for your heart, too.
Most Americans were born on third base with the delusion that we hit a triple.
What a truly inspirational thread.
I am praying for your FRiend.
I can't offer any advice, but I can pray. Prayers on the way.
Your feelings are no different from many practicing alcoholics. Many of us suffered from depression and worthlessness - that is one of the reasons I drank. When I got some time under my belt, the feelings begin to change, the fogginess began to disappear and, with the help of the steps and my sponsor, my whole attitude on life was totally altered. It does get better, I promise.
...which me is better: the happy, intoxicated, likely-to-be-shorter-lived friend of everyone, or the stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober me who no one will ever trust again since he had such "deep issues".
I'm familiar with the quandary. What works for me may sound impossibly simple but I vouch for its transforming effectiveness. Replace the happy intoxication of alcohol with the more potent, longer lasting high of endorphins. Also known as endomorphines, these neurotransmitters, like alcohol, kill pain. Let's face it, life is painful.
Divert your drinking money to membership at a good gym. If there are several in your area shop around and find the one you like best. Get a good basic orientation from a staff member on aerobic and weight training and then work up a sweat at least three times a week. Go even when you don't feel like you can. Go especially when you feel that way.
Or ride a bike. (Wear your helmet!)
In less than two weeks, maybe within a week, the dark clouds in your hurtin' head will start to clear. I promise.
Remain the "happy, intoxicated friend of everyone" but live long and maybe even with a reasonable sense of well being.
"...it's a serious question about which me is better: the happy, intoxicated, likely-to-be-shorter-lived friend of everyone, or the stoic, medicated, spooked, depressed sober me who no one will ever trust again since he had such "deep issues"."
Maybe this is part of the problem; too much of your happiness depends on what others think of you. This is about you, no one else.
And never feel that you can't pray to God. He's not waiting to beat you over the head with a stick because you're defeated. Defeated, He can handle. Pride, He won't (at least not in a good way). It's not like He doesn't know what's going on anyway, so you might as well talk to Him.
My opinion: writing is a lonely job, just you and your pen & paper. Adding a bottle makes it seem more lively, at least at the beginning.
I also think it might make you feel like you are writing more creatively, even though from my experience, when I looked at my drunk writing output, it was usually subpar, but I did sometimes have ideas that I might never have had while sober.
I think anyone who drinks and has no external supervision to catch him, like a job with a boss or co-workers, has a higher chance to fall into the bottle.
Yeah, sure buddy, I'll do just that... I'll keep walking until no one can hear me scream... and then a darn bear will come out of the brush and have me for lunch!
You think that you don't get out in the woods too often... after all unprovoked attacks by bears are just hugely thinning human populations.
I've walked in the appalachians my entire life, and I think maybe a handful of times in my entire life I have actually just stumbling across a bear without trying to find one... and never was it at a close distance. But if you feel better, or insecure in your ability to deal with the that threat carry a gun with you.
I'd be more worried about Mt. Lions if I lived where they reside than I would bear. They definately will predate a human if they get a chance.
Bear's generally not going to view you as lunch, unless there is one hell of a food shortage going on. Feeling the wrath of a mother bear who is protecting her cubs perhaps... but unless you are out there like that nut job up in alaska trying to get close to grizzlies.... I wouldn't be losing sleep over bears hunting me down as a food source.
That needs clarifying. I meant, "remain the happy, healthfully intoxicated friend..."
Your thoughts on writers and the bottle make sense. Thanks. Also, my congratulations and admiration to you on your recovery, Rob.
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