Freepun PING!
Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
1 million trillion microphones: 1 megaphone
< /mode>
***Reminds me of an old time radio routine:
Wanna buy a Dalek?***
Joe Penner ?
DON'T MENTION THE WAR!
I always liked her take on drinking:
" I like a martini, two at the most, three and I'm under the table, four and I'm under my host."
A horse comes into at a bar. Bartender comes over, says, ''What'll ya have?''. Horse says, ''Gimme a Heineken.'' So the barkeep gets him a Heineken.
Couple of minutes later, John Kerry comes into the bar. Bartender says, ''What'll ya have?''. Kerry says, ''Glenlivet and water.'' And the barkeep mixes one for him.
A minute later, the horse puts down his beer, turns to Kerry and asks, ''Hey, buddy, why the long face?''
...ba-rump-bump...
Gorilla story - LOL! - Go up and search on headache - #157 - You're welcome. We guys like to protect the family jewels! ;-)
The second man says, "I'm from Limerick, I am."
The first man says, "Saints preserve us, so am I! Tell me, where did ye go to school?"
The second man says, "St. Mary's, class of '64."
The first man says, "Well, this is truly a miracle! So did I!"
A fellow customer looks at the bartender and asks what's going on.
"The O'Malley brothers are drunk again," he replies.
A doctor is examining a patient and asks him to read the eye chart. He does this several times. Finally, the paitient asks if there's something wrong with his eyes.
"Oh, no," the doctor replies. "People kept complaining they couldn't read my perscriptions so much, I decided it was finally time for me to learn how to spell."
A carpenter is putting screws into a door jamb. He takes the screws from his pouch, looks at them, and throws half of them on the floor. His boss comes by and asks him why so many screws are on the floor. "Well, boss, half these screws have the head on the wrong end", he said. "You dummy!" replied the boss. "Those are for the other side!!"
A penguin goes to a mechanic and says "My car's smoking". The mechanic asks for an hour to check the car out. The penguin heads across the street to the ice cream shop an orders a sundae. But seeing that penguins have no arms, he gets ice cream all over his beak. He heads back across the street and asks the mechanic "So,what's wrong with my car?". The mechanic looks at him and says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "No, it's just a little ice cream!!"
Sorry Graybeard, but whenever i hear a funny "penis joke" like that one, I gotta throw one back to the joke teller... It's an oldie, but a goodie: )
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".
all right, a real sick one:
Farmer and salesman sitting under a shade tree
talking when a pig comes hobbling up with wooden
peg for a hind leg.
farmer calls, come here smokey!!!
salesman: why do you call that pig smokey??
farmer: you probably won't believe this but that
pig saved my son's life. my barn caught on fire
and that pig ran in and pulled my boy out. burnt all the
hair off his back, so we named him smokey.
salesman: is that what happened to his hind leg?? farmer: nah, we grew so fond of smokey that we
just couldn't bring ourselves to kill and eat him
all at once..
ROFLMAO!
One of my favorite short jokes:
Two nuns are sitting in the bathtub. One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other one says, "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"
All of the men stood up.
"No, that isn't what I meant," the priest said. "I mean, has anybody seen a cock?"
All of the women stood up.
"No, you still don't understand. What I mean is, has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half of the women stood up.
"Let me try this one more time," the priest said. "Now, has anybody seem MY cock?"
All of the nuns, two priests, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.
The next day, he comes back fuming. "I want my old one back!" he says.
"Why?" the doctor asked. "Wasn't your wife happy with it?"
"Oh, yeah," the man replies. "But she also said how she was tired of having to lie to my twin brother about how great their sex was."
LOL! Thanks for an oldie but a goodie! ;-)
ethnic joke, one of my favorites:
Business or Vacation?
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!..... Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!" the man replies. "Tonto Goldstein!....but my friends call me "Bubba".
The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only
hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more
than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the
Terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the
hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of
tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made
tamales, his corazon, Chita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden
spoon:
"Leave them alone, pendejo!"
"...They're for the funeral!"
An old man and his wife were sitting by the fire one nite.The husband said we`ve been through haven`t we.
She replied we sure have,but I love you andwill always stick with you.
He said you remember that wheat crop,terrible drought we lost the crop,you stuck with me.
She said I love you and will always stick with you.
You remember that hog farm we had,the bottom fell out of the market I lost my shirt,You stuck with me.
The wife replies I love you and will always stick with you.
And do you remember we had that turkey farm we had,the birds all died the month before Thanksgiving.
She said but I love you and will always stick with you.
The husband then says to his wife I`m beginning to think your bad luck to me,
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he'd like. The skeleton says "give me a gin and tonic and a bucket."
Freepun PING!
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