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The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan
The Daily Telegraph (UK) ^ | June 9, 2006 | By Roger Highfield, Science Editor

Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus

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To: jimmango
< mode=pedant>

1 million trillion microphones: 1 megaphone

< /mode>

241 posted on 06/12/2006 3:03:03 PM PDT by Erasmus (Zwischen des Teufels und des tiefen, blauen, Meers.)
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To: AmishDude

***Reminds me of an old time radio routine:

Wanna buy a Dalek?***

Joe Penner ?


242 posted on 06/12/2006 3:08:44 PM PDT by kitkat (The first step down to hell is to deny the existence of evil.)
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To: ushr435

DON'T MENTION THE WAR!


243 posted on 06/12/2006 3:31:45 PM PDT by Erasmus (Zwischen des Teufels und des tiefen, blauen, Meers.)
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To: LonePalm

I always liked her take on drinking:

" I like a martini, two at the most, three and I'm under the table, four and I'm under my host."


244 posted on 06/12/2006 3:34:33 PM PDT by skepsel
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To: SamAdams_Lite
Updated version:

A horse comes into at a bar. Bartender comes over, says, ''What'll ya have?''. Horse says, ''Gimme a Heineken.'' So the barkeep gets him a Heineken.

Couple of minutes later, John Kerry comes into the bar. Bartender says, ''What'll ya have?''. Kerry says, ''Glenlivet and water.'' And the barkeep mixes one for him.

A minute later, the horse puts down his beer, turns to Kerry and asks, ''Hey, buddy, why the long face?''

...ba-rump-bump...

245 posted on 06/12/2006 3:36:55 PM PDT by SAJ (x)
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To: AuH2ORepublican

Gorilla story - LOL! - Go up and search on headache - #157 - You're welcome. We guys like to protect the family jewels! ;-)


246 posted on 06/12/2006 3:43:14 PM PDT by Tunehead54 (Nothing funny here ;-)
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To: Tunehead54; All
Two Irishmen meet in a bar. One of them says to the other, Sure, and you look very familiar to me. Tell me, where is it you're from?"

The second man says, "I'm from Limerick, I am."

The first man says, "Saints preserve us, so am I! Tell me, where did ye go to school?"

The second man says, "St. Mary's, class of '64."

The first man says, "Well, this is truly a miracle! So did I!"

A fellow customer looks at the bartender and asks what's going on.

"The O'Malley brothers are drunk again," he replies.

A doctor is examining a patient and asks him to read the eye chart. He does this several times. Finally, the paitient asks if there's something wrong with his eyes.

"Oh, no," the doctor replies. "People kept complaining they couldn't read my perscriptions so much, I decided it was finally time for me to learn how to spell."

247 posted on 06/12/2006 4:01:12 PM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Common sense will do to liberalism what the atomic bomb did to Nagasaki-Rush Limbaugh)
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To: John Robertson

A carpenter is putting screws into a door jamb. He takes the screws from his pouch, looks at them, and throws half of them on the floor. His boss comes by and asks him why so many screws are on the floor. "Well, boss, half these screws have the head on the wrong end", he said. "You dummy!" replied the boss. "Those are for the other side!!"


248 posted on 06/12/2006 4:01:14 PM PDT by CalvaryJohn (What is keeping that damned asteroid?)
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To: WestVirginiaRebel

A penguin goes to a mechanic and says "My car's smoking". The mechanic asks for an hour to check the car out. The penguin heads across the street to the ice cream shop an orders a sundae. But seeing that penguins have no arms, he gets ice cream all over his beak. He heads back across the street and asks the mechanic "So,what's wrong with my car?". The mechanic looks at him and says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "No, it's just a little ice cream!!"


249 posted on 06/12/2006 4:10:48 PM PDT by CalvaryJohn (What is keeping that damned asteroid?)
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To: Graybeard58

Sorry Graybeard, but whenever i hear a funny "penis joke" like that one, I gotta throw one back to the joke teller... It's an oldie, but a goodie: )

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".


250 posted on 06/12/2006 4:11:06 PM PDT by Hand em their arse
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To: Robwin

all right, a real sick one:

Farmer and salesman sitting under a shade tree
talking when a pig comes hobbling up with wooden
peg for a hind leg.
farmer calls, come here smokey!!!
salesman: why do you call that pig smokey??
farmer: you probably won't believe this but that
pig saved my son's life. my barn caught on fire
and that pig ran in and pulled my boy out. burnt all the
hair off his back, so we named him smokey.
salesman: is that what happened to his hind leg?? farmer: nah, we grew so fond of smokey that we
just couldn't bring ourselves to kill and eat him
all at once..


251 posted on 06/12/2006 4:25:25 PM PDT by my right
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To: jimmango

ROFLMAO!

One of my favorite short jokes:

Two nuns are sitting in the bathtub. One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other one says, "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"


252 posted on 06/12/2006 4:28:39 PM PDT by LibertarianInExile ('Is' and 'amnesty' both have clear, plain meanings. Are Bill, McQueeg and the President related?)
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To: CalvaryJohn
A priest loved the cock and hens he kept behind his church, so naturally he was quite upset to find that the cock had disappeared. Knowing that cock fights were popular in town, he called in his parishoners and asked, "Has anyone here got a cock?"

All of the men stood up.

"No, that isn't what I meant," the priest said. "I mean, has anybody seen a cock?"

All of the women stood up.

"No, you still don't understand. What I mean is, has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half of the women stood up.

"Let me try this one more time," the priest said. "Now, has anybody seem MY cock?"

All of the nuns, two priests, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.

253 posted on 06/12/2006 4:29:58 PM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Common sense will do to liberalism what the atomic bomb did to Nagasaki-Rush Limbaugh)
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To: LibertarianInExile
A man goes to a doctor to get a bigger penis because he's sure his wife is unhappy even though she says she's satisfied every night. The doctor says, "Well, we have the new Delux model that I think will solve your problems." The man says, "Great!" He gets the new one transplanted and happily goes home.

The next day, he comes back fuming. "I want my old one back!" he says.

"Why?" the doctor asked. "Wasn't your wife happy with it?"

"Oh, yeah," the man replies. "But she also said how she was tired of having to lie to my twin brother about how great their sex was."

254 posted on 06/12/2006 4:36:31 PM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Common sense will do to liberalism what the atomic bomb did to Nagasaki-Rush Limbaugh)
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To: jimmango

LOL! Thanks for an oldie but a goodie! ;-)


255 posted on 06/12/2006 4:37:21 PM PDT by Tunehead54 (Nothing funny here ;-)
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To: Vinnie

ethnic joke, one of my favorites:

Business or Vacation?
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!..... Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!" the man replies. "Tonto Goldstein!....but my friends call me "Bubba".


256 posted on 06/12/2006 4:42:04 PM PDT by my right
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To: aculeus

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only
hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more
than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the
Terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the
hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of
tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made
tamales, his corazon, Chita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden
spoon:

"Leave them alone, pendejo!"
"...They're for the funeral!"





The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl one more time! The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "..I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!"


257 posted on 06/12/2006 4:42:24 PM PDT by Chinito (6990th Security Group, RC-135/Combat Apple, SEA Class of '68)
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To: Deguello

An old man and his wife were sitting by the fire one nite.The husband said we`ve been through haven`t we.
She replied we sure have,but I love you andwill always stick with you.

He said you remember that wheat crop,terrible drought we lost the crop,you stuck with me.

She said I love you and will always stick with you.

You remember that hog farm we had,the bottom fell out of the market I lost my shirt,You stuck with me.

The wife replies I love you and will always stick with you.

And do you remember we had that turkey farm we had,the birds all died the month before Thanksgiving.

She said but I love you and will always stick with you.

The husband then says to his wife I`m beginning to think your bad luck to me,


258 posted on 06/12/2006 4:44:36 PM PDT by 31M20RedDevil (Seeing one tornado is enough for a lifetime.)
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To: 31M20RedDevil; cardinal4

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he'd like. The skeleton says "give me a gin and tonic and a bucket."


259 posted on 06/12/2006 4:51:05 PM PDT by Ax
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To: BlessedByLiberty
Okay, now you ruined a good joke thread by posting one like that. 8)

Freepun PING!

260 posted on 06/12/2006 4:57:16 PM PDT by LibertarianInExile ('Is' and 'amnesty' both have clear, plain meanings. Are Bill, McQueeg and the President related?)
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