Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
"I told you I was ill" - his epitaph.
Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.
Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.
Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.
The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."
The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:
Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.
Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so.
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: All right. Just a minute.
Sound of two gun shots.
Bentine: He's dead.
Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".
Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."
He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."
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The agent says "Okay, show me".
The guy turns to his dog and asks "What's on top of a house?" The dog responds "Roof!"
He next asks the dog "If you sit on sand paper, what's it feel like?" "Ruff!" comes the response.
He continues, "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog barks "Ruth".
At this point, the agent kicks the both of them out of the office. The man says to the dog, "Well, you really did it
this time." The dog answers back "Do you think I should have said Gehrig?"
What does a cannibal get when he shows up late for dinner?
The cold shoulder!
A guy goes out fishing on a Saturday morning, gets the boat hooked up to the truck, tackle and supplies all loaded, all systems go, but when he gets to the lake, it starts pouring down rain and doesn't quit. So he gives up on fishing for the day, drives back home, goes back in the house, back in bed, snuggles up to his wife from behind, when she says, "Can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in this weather?"
A little girl asks her mommy if she can take her doggy, Trixie, for a walk.
Mommy says, "I don't think so sweetie. Trixie is in heat."
The little girl goes to her dad and says, "Mommy says I can't take Trixie for a walk because she is in heat. What's that mean daddy ?"
Dad is all flustered and rather than explain it to his daughter says, "It's OK honey, I'll just rub some gasoline on Trixie's behind and then you can take her for a walk."
The little girl goes out the door with Trixie and returns a bit later all alone.
"Where's Trixie ? " the mom and dad frantically ask their daughter.
"Well, I think she ran out of gas, but don't worry another nice doggie is pushing her home."
Suicidal Blond Twin Kills Sister By Mistake
A man dies and finds himself at St. Peter's Gates.
St. Peter says, "You can come in, but first I have to ask you an important question, so you can be equipped with the right transportation in heaven. However you must answer truthfully, or you go to that 'Other Place'."
The man replies, "Of course. I would never lie to you especially considering the alternative."
"OK," says St. Peter, "Have you ever cheated on your wife? Because if you were 100 per-cent faithful I can give you the latest Cadillac to drive around heaven."
The man indignantly replies, " I swear to you, St. Peter, I have never cheated on my wife - not even once !"
St. Peter replies, "Are you sure? I can understand that a mistake can happen, because if you only cheated on your wife once I can still give you a VW bug to drive around."
The man again swore to his total fidelity.
St. Peter replies, "Are you sure? I can understand that mistakes can happen, because if you only cheated a couple times on your wife I can still give you a Yugo to drive around."
After insisting for the third and final time that he'd been totally faithful to his wife all his life, St. Peter gives him a brand new cadillac.
The man beams and proudly gets inside his new caddy and drives it through the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden he sees his wife riding by on roller skates.
lol
Hey no offense, it cracks me up when I stumble too.
I could watch Americas Funniest Videos all day just for that segment.
You like blonde jokes huh?
A blonde's co-worker tells her he is going to get off work early today by pretending to go nuts. So he dangles himself from the ceiling pretending to be an overhead light bulb.
The boss comes in, sees the guy hanging upside down on the ceiling, and says, " What are you, Nuts? Go on home for the day and take it easy."
The co-worker scoots out the door, and the blonde gets her purse and gathers her stuff to leave too.
The boss says, "Hey, you can't leave !"
The blonde says, " What ? You expect me to work in the dark? "
A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender says "Hey, didn't you serve in Viet NaM?".
Led to the end of WWII I do believe.
a guy goes to the doctor cause he has a lump on his forehead.
The doctor looks at it and says, "Hmmmm, I think you've got a penis growing out of our forehead."
The guy get's distrought and starts carrying on about how
He will have to see it in the mirror every time he goes to
the bathroom.
"No, it won't be a problem", the doctor replies, "your balls will get in the way."
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
"I told you I was ill" - his epitaph.
http://www.spikemilligan.co.uk/4596.html
can someone make a link for me?
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and funeral?
One less drunk.
Well, here's the world's most EFFICIENT joke: Meaning... the most punch for the fewest words, while still being fall-down funny--ten words:
Why'd the feminist cross the road?
To suck my ***k.
Have another one:
Quasimodo died and the bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews for the new bell ringer personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But ...you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The astonished bishop listened, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "
I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi were discussing how they divided up the money from the collection plates each week:
The Minister: Well, we draw a circle on the floor and throw the money up into the air. What lands outside the circle is devoted to God, what lands inside the circle goes to the church.
The Priest: We have the same system. We draw a circle on the floor and throw the money in the air. What lands inside the circle belongs to God, what lands outside belongs to the church.
The Rabbi: We too throw the money up in the air. What God wants he keeps. We keep the rest.
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