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US Troops Prepare to Deploy to Maintain Order in Paris - satire
November 02, 2005 | No Longer Free State

Posted on 11/02/2005 4:51:58 PM PST by No Longer Free State

BSNN has learned that the Defense Department is mobilizing troops and planning operations to restore order in the capitol city of the Europpean province of France following a straight week of rioting that the provincial government is either unwilling or unable to quell.

An unnamed White House official, who insisted we tell you he is not Carl Rove or Scooter Libby, said, "Our recent experiences in dealing with hostile, ungovernable violent nations in Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Iraq have prepared us for dealing with the Chirac government. Plus, our experiences in the Islamic world will make it easier to deal with most average Parisians."

He further stated the reason for the burgeoning deployment is that the President fears the lack of stability in France may ultimately lead to unrest in the entire region. Recent events in Spain support that conclusion.

An unnamed spokesman for NATO indicated there was strong support for this operation in the nations that support the military arm of the alliance. Britain and Germany have offered police officers to support the mission citing their experience with football hooliganism as an eminent qualification. France, meanwhile, refuses to provide troops citing the lack of a UN mandate for establishing order on its own soil.

Contacts in the office of UN Secretary General Kofi Anan claim he opposes the mission because, "France is too corrupt for even us to profit from this opportunity."

While planning and mobilization continue, the deployment may be delayed by US Europpean Command planners' inability to develop a viable exit strategy that would leave behind a democratic nation upon US forces' departure.

Said one unnamed military planner, "We're not going into this one without a plan for leaving, and establishing democracy in France will be no cake-walk. It's not like Kosovo where, while they all hate each other, at least they're able to talk to each other through interpreters. Our war-gaming gets hung up every time we get to a point that requires the French to talk to each other or anyone else civilly. We may have to depose Chirac just to get someone to answer the phone."

He continued, "And then there are the economic problems. Unemployment rivals that of many third world countries we operate in. We're hoping conditions won't be as bad as the Tsunami was last year, but we're expecting the worst."

They're hoping they can cope with the multicultural environement as well: "In Iraq there are only three conflicting cultures. IN Paris, we believe each individual building is its own, distinct subculture, and each subculture prides itself in being diametrically opposed to each of its neighboring subcultures on at least three issues."

A staffer for a prominent, drunk democrat Senator from a New England state immediately claimed the deployment was Bush administration retribution for France supporting virtually the rest of the world's assessment that Saddam Hussein had WMD before the invasion of Iraq. She was incapable of explaining this incoherent statement.

Meanwhile, failed president Jimmy Carter claimed that there was no evidence that there has been any unrest in France, and went on to claim that he could solve the problem that didn't exist with a raid consisting of seven broken helicopters and a Boy Scout Troop. Before he explained his strategy in depth, he was taken away by his handlers who told us he was late for a formal straight-jacket fitting.

America's highest ranking National Guardsman, Lieutenant General H. Stephen Blum, was overheard to say, "Nuts!!! We're not ready for this!!! All our French linguists are still trying to unscrew New Orleans!!!" Apparently he made this comment while bording a helicopter to fly to the US capitol to hit congress up for another $17 Billion in funding for armory office furniture because, "Our desks and chairs are 1998 vintage, maybe 1999 at best, while active component furniture is at least as new as 2000."


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: france; parisriots; satire; troops; un
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Career CIA burrocrats contributed heavily to this report, so think twice before you choose whether or not to believe it.
1 posted on 11/02/2005 4:51:58 PM PST by No Longer Free State
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To: No Longer Free State

I hate Eurodhimmis.


2 posted on 11/02/2005 4:54:24 PM PST by TSchmereL ("Rust but terrify.")
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To: TSchmereL

.


3 posted on 11/02/2005 4:55:24 PM PST by GeorgiaDawg32 (Honest officer, I wasn't speeding.....I was qualifying)
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To: No Longer Free State

France, meanwhile, refuses to provide troops citing the lack of a UN mandate for establishing order on its own soil.

ROFL!!! Priceless!!!

4 posted on 11/02/2005 4:55:57 PM PST by frankiep
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To: No Longer Free State

The only reason why the rioting has lasted so long is because the French Government can't figure out who to surrender to.


5 posted on 11/02/2005 4:57:14 PM PST by txroadkill
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To: No Longer Free State
Here's the key line that exposes this story as a fraud:

He further stated the reason for the burgeoning deployment is that the President fears the lack of stability in France may ultimately lead to unrest in the entire region.

Like we'd care.

6 posted on 11/02/2005 4:59:28 PM PST by Brilliant
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To: No Longer Free State

The Un is reportedly talking about forming a commission to draft a resolution about discussing events that are allegedly taking place in France today. ( High ranking Official wishes to remain anonymous due to the sensative nature of this topic.)

In other news, the Arab league has drafted a strict condemnation of the French for using chemical WMD in a mosque. Fatwah forthcoming.


7 posted on 11/02/2005 5:00:02 PM PST by BlueStateDepression
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To: txroadkill

They should try surrendering to the Germans, they have experience with it already.


8 posted on 11/02/2005 5:00:18 PM PST by TASMANIANRED (Conservatives are from earth. Liberals are from Uranus.)
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To: No Longer Free State; LucyJo; TAdams8591; GOPJ; Chena; SE Mom; Pukin Dog; F15Eagle; ...

PING

Busy day for beloved, he has added another to his writings. His talent's continue to amaze me.

-FMC


9 posted on 11/02/2005 5:02:14 PM PST by Former Military Chick (I salute all our Vets, those who walked before me and all those who walk after me.)
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To: No Longer Free State

The really funny thing is that the French ARE getting tough with the rioters. We usually let our run their course, so as not to offend them.


10 posted on 11/02/2005 5:02:14 PM PST by umgud (Comment removed by poster before moderator could get to it)
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To: writer33

FYI to one who know's satire


11 posted on 11/02/2005 5:04:15 PM PST by Former Military Chick (I salute all our Vets, those who walked before me and all those who walk after me.)
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To: No Longer Free State

Thanks, I enjoyed this immensely.


12 posted on 11/02/2005 5:04:18 PM PST by GUN TOTING TOAD KILLER
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To: GeorgiaDawg32

You are obviously a man of very few words,


13 posted on 11/02/2005 5:04:35 PM PST by TSchmereL ("Rust but terrify.")
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To: No Longer Free State
he was taken away by his handlers who told us he was late for a formal straight-jacket fitting.

LMAO!!! Handlers

14 posted on 11/02/2005 5:06:00 PM PST by Fruitbat
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To: umgud
The really funny thing is that the French ARE getting tough with the rioters. We usually let our run their course, so as not to offend them.

Baloney! Rubber bullets? Please. When they start using flame throwers and real bullets from 30 caliber weapons, then they're getting serious.

15 posted on 11/02/2005 5:07:07 PM PST by Fruitbat
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To: No Longer Free State

16 posted on 11/02/2005 5:13:55 PM PST by wagglebee ("We are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom." -- President Bush, 1/20/05)
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To: No Longer Free State; Former Military Chick
Very funny. Keep up the good work.


Thanks for the ping FMC. Well worth the read.



17 posted on 11/02/2005 5:22:47 PM PST by G.Mason
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To: No Longer Free State
Very funny!

Contacts in the office of UN Secretary General Kofi Anan claim he opposes the mission because, "France is too corrupt for even us to profit from this opportunity."

The anonymous U.N. source continued: "Besides, as per U.N. Resolution 441, France is first obligated to alleviate their domestic disruptions by locking them into un-airconditioned homes in high summer and leaving for three week's vacation. The French have not yet utilized all means of peaceful dispersal."

While planning and mobilization continue, the deployment may be delayed by US Europpean Command planners' inability to develop a viable exit strategy that would leave behind a democratic nation upon US forces' departure.
18 posted on 11/02/2005 5:46:20 PM PST by Titan Magroyne (Wet Burqa Contest Winner)
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To: Former Military Chick

Bump


19 posted on 11/02/2005 6:29:59 PM PST by Gucho
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To: txroadkill

Now THAT's funny. Love it.


20 posted on 11/02/2005 6:55:14 PM PST by No Longer Free State (No event has just one cause, no person has just one motive, no action has just the intended effect.)
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