Posted on 07/30/2005 4:49:54 PM PDT by grey_whiskers
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"
Pretty good.
That's good. Why aren't "comedians" funny anymore?
Because they're are either female or gay. There are NO funny women comics and the last funny gay guy was Paul Lynde.
My Grandparents were big-time Abbott and Costello fans. they would have enjoyed that skit as much as I did.
Thanks for the memories....oops, that was Bob Hope...smile.
I had forgotten about Paul Lynde. Yes, he was funny. I had no idea he was homosexual.
lol
Mike Douglas: "So Paul, when are you going to settle down with the right girl?"
Paul Lynde: "What are you, deaf and blind?"
I love their skits. They were the greatest. George and Gracie were great also, just to name another team that was very funny.
This is funny.
Rita Rudner is really funny ("My husband tried to get in touch with his feminine side but it was always on the phone with its girlfriends.")
Roseanne was brilliantly funny, too, before her show jumped the shark and she got too caught up in being a celebrity. The first few seasons of her show were some of the funniest on TV, and her original stand-up routines were terrific.
Wendy Liebman was funny too, although she hasn't updated her act in years. So was Carol Liefer, who wrote for Seinfeld.
Ellen Degeneris used to be funny, before she came out.
Paul Lynde...
That guy was a riot.
The sad thing about comics these days, is they think they have to get racey for laughs. Vulgarity spews and the laughter quotent plumets. It's the same problem with movies.
I've begun taping older movies off TMC and FMC. Those old classics are great. They cover adult subjects but you wouldn't be embarassed to watch them with your parents or kids.
Ellen used to be a professional comic who was very funny and happened to be a lesbian. Then she became a professional lesbian who happened to be a comic and isn't funny any more.
Oh, come on!
One look at Hollywood Squares told me that!
Fabulous cheers!
I disagree... Paula Poundstone is both gay and a woman, and everyone I know agrees that she's a real hoot. For a hetero woman with terrific timing, and funny as all get out, there's Rita Rudner. And both Whoppie and Ellen can be extremely funny, if they stay away from politics and sex, and keep the material clean...
Didn't you ever think that Gracie Allen was funny? How about Rosanne (when she was first starting out?) I guess I'm really dating myself, but I love the older acts of many of the modern comics. For instance, I can't stand to listen to most of George Carlin's stuff today, but his stuff from years ago was (mostly) clean, and really funny. Yeah, I know, you're talking about women comics here, and I wandered off topic.
Mark
"I love band men... Why run your fingers through their hair, when you can sink your fingers into their skulls!"
Mark
Bump....
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.