Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Why don't these 'lone tenants' move in together and become each other's roommates, a la Golden Girls? They would have each other for company as well as being able to share expenses. That's what I would do if I were in that situation. Or has our society become so individualistic that our need for social contact must be damned?
Sadly, several years ago Anne Landers (or Dear Abby, I don't remember which) did a poll and asked that question: "If you had it to do all over again, would you have children?"
Majority said, no, they would not.
Ding. We have a winner.
"...I take it you don't comprehend statistics..."
Of course I comprehend statistics, because I'm a pretty intelligent person. Arguing that "childless voters went for Kerry while families with kids went for Bush" is a broad-brush position that is patently silly.
There are many more dynamics at work here than just children. Urban areas have long been leftist hotbeds, regardless of family size.
The fact-of-the-matter is that no decent parents would try to raise a litter of six children in Manhattan, unless they were multi-millionaires...as alluded by your article. Normal couples with intentions of a large family are practically compelled to move to suburban or even rural environments to afford the required housing.
~ Blue Jays ~
I'm not talking about the extreme cases where women kill their children. I'm talking about parents who have children and then hand over their raising to someone else---be it day care or society in general. There are parents who don't have the "instinct" you are talking about. Their career and their search for more and more affluence is much more important to them than their children.
I've seen it too many times, even in my own family.
I think it's great that you have never met anyone who failed to love their baby once it was born, but it happens more often than you realize, and, to be honest, I blame most of the ills of society on that fact.
In most cases, it is. Wanting only two children qualifies as well. No society can be maintained with that sort of outlook.
What is your philosophy regarding debt? How do you feel about relying on government schools for eduation? Do you support reliance on day care? Just curious ...
Responsible people who care about their childrens' future. We have way too many people in this world who get knocked up without thinking about what kind of life they can provide their child.
We're human beings, not rabbits.
Well, I think it's time this woman has a baby shower! Anyone want to join me? (just kidding)
Hubby and I just gave birth to our eighth child, and we have never had a baby shower. I never expected to have one either. If this person wants a party for herself, then she could break with societal norms and give herself one. Or her husband could give her a party. That's perfectly acceptable, and she could even have petitfours with little baby booties on top if she wants.
OMG, there is a special place in hell for that gal.
My father died seven years ago - I'm still not over it. My mother lives in a mother-in-law suite we built at our home for her shortly after his death. She's 84, a handful, drives to Mass every day, and watches Fox News exclusively. She'll call me at the office to scream about democrats, the UN, or anything on the left - they are keeping her young. ;-)
Keep in mind that it's the unhappy who are more likely to complain. One reason why stores have complaint departments and not compliment departments.
Therefore its false to say republicans voted for Bush while democrats voted for Kerry because there are examples of cross over ?
My wife and I don't have any kids by choice. We are the ones that just have no interest. We are not self centered and are not doing so to save the environment etc. We are not liberal and vote Republican and are against abortion.
I've heard enough when many on this board said you are self centered because you don't want any kids. What a bunch of crap.
Message to DINKS: Please don't regale us with stories about your "babies" (dogs or cats) at coffee. Please!
If you want life to always be "all about you," don't have kids. I am so glad my life is not all about me.
The news is filled with children put at risk by their own parents every day.
The news is filled with children who are murdered by their parents are due to their parents lifestyle every day.
I wonder how many of them had the instinct to pass on child-rearing, but for some reason or another (selfish?) decided to have them any way.
and let's not forget that ALOT Of kids born today are accidents.
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Maybe so, but that doesn't automatically mean they are unwanted or unloved children. Speaking from experience here. :)
Fertility drops off after 35. Way off after 40. Look into it. Getting pregnant isn't a sure thing.
Wow. How...socialist of you. We must all have many kids to keep the social services machine running? So, I guess you don't give a damn who has to pay for them (welfare is swellfare as long as you have kids!) or give a damn if they are wanted, just so long as people have them. Great attitude. F* what happens to them once they are here, just make sure they get here!
Anything is possible with God. Besides if a woman takes good care of herself she can have kids later.
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