Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Too disappointing?
Amazing how meaningful some learning opportunities can be!
NOW I think THAT'S a SELFISH reason to have kids......so that you can have somebody to help you when you get old?? I'll bet your kids will be happy to know that.
That is not borne out by observation. Plenty of people have kids because of social pressure, knowing they were unsuitable, and then do a lousy job of raising them. I have seen it in my own family.
Your sarcastic remark may actually be the premis of Mr homo-advocate Wolf's article. His premise is that marriage is FORCED to be about children which it should only be about consenting adults who love entering into a contract based on love and sex. Did I metion the love and sex?
This is not about the people who decide not to have children. Mr Wolf is endevoring to push childless marriage as the norm to support his homosexual marriage causes.
We should be focusing less on why an individual normal couple makes the decision and focus more on why marriage AS AN INSTITTUION is centered on children. As FR we need to go deeper into a article and the author than mere surface anecdotes. What is this guy's bias? Why only anecdotes? (classic homo-advocacy writing BTW, just happy happy anecdotes)
The couple who chooses not to have children are the most selfish of all people, for they demand the future pay for their present.
Why? They happen to have an organization for people like them. So what? They're not saying having children is bad, they just say it changes things, as it does. They just wanted a group they felt comfortable with. Why does that make you all feel so UNcomfortable. I don't have children of my own (Grown stepchildren), never once regretted it. I don't go around admonishing people for having children, why do people who have children always feel the need to tell me how selfish I am???? I'll wait for a good answer on that one.
"Nowadays running all over the place knocking over waiters and food displays is perfectly permitted... as is screaming."
Same folks who think children are too much work.
I didn't imagine behaving like that in my wildest dreams...after doing it once :)
My grandma successfully raised 10 functional kids, and when she needed swat one of them on the butt, she would first take the time to stick her hand in a usually cold sinkful of dishwater and then yank their pants down to their bare butt before swatting them with a wet hand. A wet hand on a bare butt magnifies the "effect" of a spanking.
Well said.
Liberals have a habit of using rare exceptions to prove what they think should be the norm for everyone.
i agree with you completely. i have 3 kids and i have absolutely no problem relating to other freepers, kids or not. sharing a life philosophy is so much more important than just having kids or not having kids, in common. now i got christmas cards from two girlfriends who are not married and do not have children and who also do NOT share my political philosophy. i was struck by the fact that i have NOTHING in common with them, and i think it has more to do with the different philosophy than it does about their lack of kids.
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My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and do not have children because we are trying to finish college.
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You can do both. I did. Children need fewer material things than many adults think they do.
I can totally relate to what you say. I befriended a woman in a similar state -- bought groceries, took her to church, etc. When she complained about her back hurting I bought her a new mattress. She died while I was on vacation/picking up my daughter from college.
This woman's daughter, who lived just a couple miles from her and had refused to even visit her when she was alive, did the one thing her mother feared she would do when she died. The daughter cremated her, because it was cheaper. I don't know what I would've done to help had I been in town. But, I have never known a colder woman in my life. I was told that when she was told that her mother had died, the daughter exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"
LOL!! The suitable parent comment reminded me of my parents. My dad always thought he wasn't a good dad. I think he was a wonderful dad. Meanwhile, during one of the last arguments my mom and I had before we did not talk to each other she told me she was a wonderful mother.
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"Most likely." How is having children a selfless act? Most people who have children are expressing the ultimate in selfish megalomania -- they want to make another copy of themselves.
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Those of us with children are just laughing at your ignorant statement.
"Being childless and having abortions are from the same root: selfishness. Period, end of story. If you could have, but do not have, kids, why waste the oxygen? I know this is harsh, but..."
What a load of crap. You can't be a real human being or accomplish great things without having kids?! Ridiculous. By the way, I just had my first child 12/14/04. I'm just not enough of jerk to call people without kids useless oxygen thiefs.
Interesting... never heard of that spanking method...
I feel sorry for these selfish people.
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