Posted on 12/25/2004 7:57:48 PM PST by lowbridge
This thread is for those who got diddly, nada, zilch, zip, zero Christmas Presents this year (or any other year). Come and commiserate. You're among friends here.
And to those of you who offer the beautiful homily, "It's better to give than receive", please take the time to have a nice tall glass of shaddup.
I was thinking a slobbery kiss from a 4-legged dog!
Why thank you,LN! You knew I was a girl all along, didntcha!!
A gift of laughter...
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Good God you have my throw up list,step away from the bath and body works store it does not work for us and we do throw out your candles-even yankee-hate them.
What a kind post. I agree. My wish for all my FReeper friends is a safe and happy 2005.
LOL...what's wrong with me...I like that stuff. I'd be happy to give any Longaberger you received a good home :)
This is why I hate it when random people ask children, "Are you excited about Santa Claus?"
The boys that we adopted had NEVER had Christmas prior to being in foster care. They were 3 and 7. They knew about Santa, and just figured that Santa never came to them when they were little because they weren't good. (sigh...still makes me cry)
We made it clear that Santa was a game that parents play with children, that they had done NOTHING wrong, and that Christmas is primarily a time to be grateful for Jesus and for people in your life that you love. This year, at ages 6 and 10, they bought me presents with their own money that they worked for, doing jobs around the house. And you can bet that DH and I showered them with a bunch of fun gifts!
Lol, Lonestar, I was talking about me, but I do have a nice golden retriever if that's what you prefer!
BTW, I am so shocked that no one mentioned getting a chia pet!
I think we can all be thankful for that!
Okay, the Longaberger? Overpriced! I found a basket that was similar at K-Mart, took off their goofy, cheap fringe, and made my own Longaberger look-alike. I actually had someone offer me $50 for it...and I had about $3.00 in it.
Maybe I am too big of a tightwad, but these things just do not have the curb appeal for me.
Me neither. It was planned that way logically. All my reletaves and me got together and decided we aren't trading presents anymore because a point of insanity gets approached. And we aren't insane people. Once there are enough presents to fill a U-Haul truck and a dumpster, decisions needed to be made.
I hope to follow in your footsteps next year. I don't think I can take much more. We plan on a much simpler time next year.
Thank you very much, that means a lot. I hope the holidays are kind to you as well.
have a Happy New Year as well!
What could be more wonderful than a thoughtful 7 yr. old daughter or a loving mother? You make all her days, mom.
Blessings.
Sooo this is the Bah Humbug thread I take it?
"All of mankind got the greatest gift of all - Jesus."
Amen to that one. One of my favorite things to do at this time of year is attend the late Christmas Eve service that ends after midnight.
"And I finally watched the movie A Christmas Story, which worked out well for my family of all boys!"
You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out!
"Why do American women think candles are so great. I got one that is so big it has four wicks in it. Geez."
Cause they smell good and present a relaxing embviance (sp?) when you are alone or have guests over. They are also relaxing when taking a bath :)
What a lucky couple, your son and daughter inlaw. Thanks for sharing that story, tiki. God bless.
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