What Do Women Really Want? (Long Read)

The Public Interest, ^ | Winter 2005 | By Neil Gilbert

[tbird5]

With journalists as well as social scientists continually on the lookout for new trends, the public is regularly treated to the discovery of social "revolutions." One of the latest concerns women and work. In October 2003, Lisa Belkin detected an "opt-out revolution" in her New York Times Magazine article about accomplished women leaving high-powered jobs to stay home with their kids. Six months later, reports on the revolution were still going strong. For example, the March 22, 2004 cover of Time showed a young child clinging to his mother's leg alongside the headline, "The Case for Staying Home: Why More Young Moms Are Opting Out of the Rat Race." But the evidence on this score is thin. Both the New York Times and Time stories are based mainly on evocative anecdotes. Princeton college graduates with law degrees from Harvard staying home to change diapers may be absorbing as a human-interest story. But as the saying goes, the plural of anecdote is not data.

The limited empirical evidence offered in support of the opt-out revolution draws upon facts such as these: 22 percent of mothers with graduate degrees are at home with their children, one in three women with an MBA does not work full time, and 26 percent of women approaching the most senior levels of management do not want to be promoted. However, with information of this sort one needs a ouija board to detect a social trend, let alone a revolution. The fact that 57 percent of mothers from the Stanford University class of 1981 stayed home with their young children for at least a year gives no indication of whether the percentage of Stanford graduates remaining at home with their children has increased, decreased, or remained the same over time.

[exnavychick]

Well, it sounds to me like you've either been married to (or known someone who was) a pretty nasty piece of work.

For awhile, my husband was unemployed (thanks to transferring so much as we often do in the military, as you know), he was at home with the children while I worked. I would NEVER EVER dream of treating him the way you described. We have had our share of arguments in six years of marriage, certainly. But name calling, hitting, and arguing in front of the children is NOT part of the deal. We have slipped from time to time, but one of us usually notices when we are heading off into a ditch and calls a time-out until we can talk more rationally. He has NEVER laid a hand on me, and vice versa.

That being said, we agree on most things, and so our arguments are few and far between. AND easily resolved. From the time of our first date to the day we got married was only four months, but we made sure that we could agree on the most important things before we tied the knot. That, imo, has enabled us to avoid the nastiness you're talking about. That, and-no matter if we disagree with each other, we always remember that we are dealing with the person we love most in the world. I respect him, he respects me. If we can't compromise, we decide whether or not it's even worth arguing about. If not, then it's dropped. Not all problems can be solved, and if you can recognize that, sometimes, they cease to be a problem.

As for the "wifely duty" part? Remember, that as a man, you have duties to your wife as well. It's not a one way street. No one has a license to treat their spouse like a commodity.

[najida]

Hmmm, what a lot of women want is very different from men...

An incident this weekend reminded me that men will marry someone they really have nothing in common with, at all.

When they are younger, because she is pretty and has big boobs ;).

When they are older, because she has a nursing degree. ;)

Mostly, I have learned that men fear being alone more than a woman. I have heard it murmured like a curse "But, you are ALONE!" Like I have leprosy and just dropped a coupla fingers. And?

[Centurion2000]

What's with the long pointy toes on women's shoes recently? That wasn't the case a few years ago.

Interestingly enough that is high fashion in Russia even for men's shoes.

[exnavychick]

I actually treated myself to a pair of boots in January - knee high, with a 5 inch heel. They will last me for years because I don't wear them often. Oh, and keeping with my being cheap - they were only $30!
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LOL! I take the same approach. Just got myself a pair of killer boots in October (before I found out about the new wiggleworm, or I'd never have bought them)that were $70...down from $250! LOL I was patting myself on the back for that. I've worn them every chance I've had since I bought them, since I'm gonna have to lay off of the heels soon. :(

They are sooo cute, though. :)

[Caipirabob]

Shoes.

World Peace.

And shoes.

[Gabz]

Yikes - I started replying to you over an hour ago - but my keyboard fried itself out!!! I typing along, talking to my daughter (school was cancelled today on account of snow) and I look up to post and there is nothing in the box!!!!

You'll get to wear the new boots again soon enough!!!

I LOVE the word wiggleworm - I still call my 6 year old that....she hasn't stopped moving since the first time I felt her move!!!

I didn't know about the "no heels while pregnant" rule until informed by a friend - at the time I had about 30 pair of shoes in my closet, but the only "flats" I owned were a beat up pair of sneakers and flip-flops! Which didn't work with skirts/dresses and hose in January! My friend, being the mother of 3, herself decided to shame me out of my stubborn refusal to give up my heels.

She showed up at a political fundraiser she knew I would be attending (we were both lobbyists at the time and had to do the face time thing) and handed me 3 shoe boxes in front of everyone. I didn't wear heels again until August!

[exnavychick]

She showed up at a political fundraiser she knew I would be attending (we were both lobbyists at the time and had to do the face time thing) and handed me 3 shoe boxes in front of everyone. I didn't wear heels again until August!
____________________________________________________________

LOL...that was a good one. I am not going to be posting anymore until later this evening, since the baby managed to break my glasses. He's a tough little dude...just snapped them! Mr. Ex had a meeting this afternoon, and when he gets back, we're heading to Lenscrafters for a new pair. So I apologize for any typos!

Talk to you soon!

[Area51]

I suggested my wife purchase these. I told her I don't think I have ever seen such a Nice appealing pair...But that's just my opinion. Note: I thought the shoes were nice too. ;)

[Area51]

Now who couldn't admire that pair!

[xsmommy]

i think you covered all the bases there!

[exnavychick]

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

I can't really read what you wrote, but the picture, I think, speaks for itself. I'll have to answer whatever you wrote when I get my new glasses this afternoon. I couldn't let that pic slide without a comment, though. :)

I apologize for any typos.

[exnavychick]

OK, I just re-set the settings on my screen, so I can (sort of) see now. Good thing Mr. Ex will be back in about 30 minutes or so.

As for your wife...hmmm. I wonder what she said about that, lol.

I do like Sketchers, though. (Even if they are a "blue" company).

[najida]

Looks like they are a replacement company for missing buttons.

[Gabz]

Good luck getting new glasses!!!!

Talk soon!

[CDHart]

"Even the working mothers I know spend more time wiping their husbands butts because the men are incapable "

I think that quite often if the woman changes, the man will, too. I know that sounds simplistic, but if a wife treats her husband with respect, he is more likely to become someone to be respected. If his opinions are met with thoughtful discussion rather than derision, he will be more likely to make an effort to share his thoughts. If his home is a refuge rather than a war zone, he's more likely to want to come home. I know it works, because I've tried it, and we're on our 41st year as of tomorrow (Dec. 21).

Carolyn

[NeoCaveman]

I have watched my son cope with an extremely difficult wife in the past several years. I am stunned at the amount of manipulation I have witnessed and I am deeply disillusioned by my own gender.

He just needs to turn the manipulation around. What I mean by that is she does x to get response y. He needs to react totally different. No more y. Go with the opposite of y. Variability of rewards works, just look at slot machines.

I'm guessing she'll be nicer once he's a little less nice and predictable.

[Gabz]

Happy Anniversary.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my husband, in my eyes the man is a saint (he has put up with me for 16 years, after all-LOL) but I get the same in return.

I know I am a hard-headed, opinionated woman, but my husband has known that since the day we met. We've grown together changed together. He has helped to soften me a bit, and I've helped him to be a bit more outspoken.

We look at each other when asked who is our best friend, he's mine and I'm his. We both have friends and interests outside of our little cocoon - but coming home is never a problem.

[CDHart]

I'm happy for you and your husband -- :^)

Carolyn

[Gabz]

Thank you.

No one ever said marriage was easy - it's not. It is something worked upon every day and never to be taken for granted.

[exnavychick]

Thanks. Just got back, and man, it's a relief to see again.