James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[EGPWS]

ping!

[Bogey78O]

I agree. Shatner couldn't carry the tune. Nimoy could actually keep beat and stay in tempo.

[Hand em their arse]

Is that right, really???

[weegee]

It's pronounced "Duke of Oil".

[small voice in the wilderness]

LOL! Yeah, I thought it was deep, too, for a while. Then I came down.

How about The Mighty Quinn?! E-freekingads. Ear bleeds.

[Hand em their arse]

Ofcourse, but it's a brown cardboard box and each one is 750mg instead of 12oz. Is that ok?? LOL!

[SFConservative]

That's "Sylvia's Mother" and you're right - it definitely deserves a nomination for worst song!

[Hand em their arse]

"As I walk through my Dukedome"

Oh come on, that is GOLD!!!

[Bogey78O]

[Luis Gonzalez]

"Feelings,who whoa whoa FEELINGS!, I wish i'd never met you girl.."

[shelterguy]

I bet Freebird would sound pretty cool after a 12 of that then wouldn't it?

[Luis Gonzalez]

The Finer Things
Steve Winwood
(Steve Winwood & Will Jennings)

WHILE THERE IS TIME
LET'S GO OUT AND FEEL EVERYTHING
IF YOU HOLD ME
I WILL LET YOU INTO MY DREAM
FOR TIME IS A RIVER ROLLING INTO NOWHERE
WE MUST LIVE WHILE WE CAN
AND WE'LL DRINK OUR CUP OF LAUGHTER

THE FINER THINGS KEEP SHINING THROUGH
THE WAY MY SOUL GETS LOST IN YOU
THE FINER THINGS I FEEL IN ME
THE GOLDEN DANCE LIFE COULD BE

OH, I'VE BEEN SAD
AND HAVE WALKED BITTER STREETS ALONE
AND COME MORNING
THERE'S A GOOD WIND TO BLOW ME HOME
SO TIME IS A RIVER ROLLING INTO NOWHERE
I WILL LIVE WHILE I CAN
I WILL HAVE MY EVER AFTER

THE FINER THINGS KEEP SHINING THROUGH
THE WAY MY SOUL GETS LOST IN YOU
THE FINER THINGS I FEEL IN ME
THE GOLDEN DANCE LIFE COULD BE

WE GO SO FAST, WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT LAST
LIFE IS GLOWING INSIDE YOU AND ME
PLEASE TAKE MY HAND, HERE WHERE I STAND
WON'T YOU COME OUT AND DANCE WITH ME
COME SEE, WITH ME, COME SEE

AND LOVERS TRY
'TIL THEY GET THE BEST OF THE NIGHT
AND COME MORNING
THEY ARE TANGLED UP IN THE LIGHT
SO TIME BE A RIVER ROLLING INTO NOWHERE
THEY LOVE WHILE THEY CAN
AND THEY THINK ABOUT THE NIGHT SO SWEET

THE FINER THINGS KEEP SHINING THROUGH
THE WAY MY SOUL GETS LOST IN YOU
THE FINER THINGS I FEEL IN ME
THE GOLDEN DANCE LIFE COULD BE

[sully777]

Wait, let me look at Billboard from 1970 to 1980

[SFConservative]

See that philo beat me to it. What's worse, now I have that stupid song going through my head! Aaaarrrgghhhhh!

[Hand em their arse]

HOLY SH*T, you may have a point!! Roseann's version of the Star Sangled Banner would probably sound pretty damn cool after a 12 of that, frankly...

[exDem from Miami]

THAT'S IT!!!

MacArthur Park is the best song ever!!! Better than 96 Tears!!

....what, isn't this the best rock song ever thread?....

[Vigilanteman]

Midnight at the Oasis would be a great song to blast on the Gitmo detainees 24/7 until they broke. My favorite line was "You don't need a harem, honey, when I am by your side . . . and you don't need a camel, oh-hhhh no, when I take you for a ride."

Still, the one that makes me retch the most is Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow because it keeps me from thinking about that turd in the punchbowl, Bill Clinton.

[annyokie]

Earworm? Sorry! I have had Loretta Lynn's "When you look at me you're looking at country" running through my head for two days now.

The horror!

[Physicist]

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler

"Saturday Night" by the Bay City Rollers

"The Streak" by...uh...mercifully, I've forgotten. Now if only I could forget the song.

I'll give a dishonorable mention to "Don't Bring Me Down" by the Electric Light Orchestra. It's not that it's among the very worst songs ever; it's just that this grating travesty came from a group that produced so much genuinely brilliant material. (If you don't like ELO's hit songs, which were never their best material, listen to their first five or six albums and get back to me.)

[radiohead]

How about The Mighty Quinn?

I had that record. : p