James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Tribune7]

The trip into madness

[Poser]

96 Tears is most excellent! Even better than Ooga Chaka! (Hooked on a Feeling) But not quite as good as Surfin' Bird.

Muskrat Love is wicked bad.
Butt... Can you ever forget the memorable:

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

[FreedomCalls]

I'll see your Shatner and raise you "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy. The video is a trip into madness from which you might not return.

Here's the mp3. To me it's not nearly as bad as the Shatner stuff. Nimoy actually tries to sing. Shatner just (badly) overacts the spoken lines. I haven't seen the video.

[ohioWfan]

"I got tears in my ears from lying on my back in my bed crying over you."

[philo]

That be "Sylvia's Mother"

[shelterguy]

These Boots Were Made For Walkin by Nancy Sinatra

[Hand em their arse]

OOHHH, I don't know about that, she certainly had many a man unable to stand up for a few minutes after watching that...

[weegee]

If we are going to start disecting lyrics then Van Hagar is going to have to be taken to task for things like "Only time will tell if we'll stand the test of time"

[FreedomCalls]

I'll see your Shatner and raise you "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy. The video is a trip into madness from which you might not return.

I found the video! Do the girls all strip off behind the rock?

[Nakota]

American Triolgy, Abraham, Martin & John !!!!!!

[philo]

How About This Peoples misheard lyrics to songs

[King Prout]

there was this song, in the taste-nadir of the mid-80's, that went something like
"while there's still time, let's go out and kill everything... so cry me a river, blowing into nowhere... finier things keep shining through... rubber soul gets lost in you" or something.
that damned song never made any sense to me, and i always hated it, and now it is playing on eternoloop in my melon. THANKS!!!

[VadeRetro]

Mr. Harris does not so much hit the high notes as plead for them to come down a little.

Ooooh!

[txrangerette]

Sittin' on the dock uh the bay...
wastin' ti-iii-ime.

Now I'll reveal my true age.

Does your chewin' gum lose it's
flavor on the bedpost over night?

[Tribune7]

Classics

[Hand em their arse]

I've been watching that... but I'm looking out for ya! But, that's why there's vanilla and chocolate right? One man's Pabst Blue Ribbon and Freebird is another man's Merlot and James Taylor...

[LouD]

Not a single song listed in your post could even remotely be referred to as rock.

[annyokie]

Ah! Thank you! The suckiest song of all time!

[Mr. K]

I though Hagar was the worst choice of singer for VH- Dave was/is a jerk, but he had a damn good voice and could write lyrics

[radiohead]

"Havin' My Baby"

I was going to say 'Honey' but I think you're right. I just heard that stupid song the other week, too. Just awful.