James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[weegee]

Something by Carly Simon should certainly be on the list of "worst rock and roll". Think she isn't a rock and roller? Then why was she inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (oh, yeah. The museum is really just another industry pat on the back like Grammys).

[King Prout]

YOU BEAT ME TO IT.

[annyokie]

Oh, heck. I knew that was wrong. I can't remember the title of the Dr. Hook song. The refrain is "And the operator says forty cents more for the next three minutes."

[Bug]

Are you more of a Schlitz guy?? :)

No, I'm more of a chablis and brie kinda guy.

[Ready4Freddy]

Kenny Rogers

[eternity]

"Happy Birthday to You" Live version sung by Marilyn Monroe
on JFK's birthday.

[Tribune7]

I stand corrected. It's a good song.

[Iberian]

Dude, Free Bird was a classic. Skynird you got to be kidding, tell me you did't mean that. LOL

[The Radical Capitalist]

So many come to mind, but "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro always scored high on the retchometer. In fact, just about anything by Goldsboro pinned the needle on retch.

[KarlInOhio]

I'll see your Shatner and raise you "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy. The video is a trip into madness from which you might not return.

[ChinaGotTheGoodsOnClinton]

Hey philo:

I thought the same thing about the Admiral Hallsey song, until Rush redid "We so sorry, Uncle Albert" to fit the Florida mess.

The choirs was "Chads across the Water"

[Bug]

Dude, Free Bird was a classic. Skynird you got to be kidding, tell me you did't mean that. LOL

Serious as that FBI Agent knocking at your door.

[Hand em their arse]

I'm with ya, I can't remember standing on top of a chair at a Skynyrd show with a wine glass in one hand and a lit bic in the other

[Iberian]

Psycho, not quite so fast. There is "Mellow Yellow" to deal with.

[Galactic Overlord-In-Chief]

Rap. Definately a rap song.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[macamadamia]

You are on to something. Here's what I dislike and why. It is an association thing; given other circumstances who knows...


Just An Old Fashioned Love Song = a school bus with bullies and...well...children who really didn't smell too good. Bullies of that era: enormous leather wrist bands, denim jacket and pants, hickies, yellow teeth, cigarette breath, shoes with the 2 or 3 inch heels (what the hell was that about) and...yes, scabs...that's right, they scratched their hands until they bled and never flinched because they were...tough.

One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus (the title?) = a really disturbing funeral where several very, very obese women suddenly started shouting in tongues. (Calm down, nothing against them but this one was just......a little too intense for me.) Obviously, I had no idea what they were saying but frankly it sounded a little too much like that thing those kids on Zoom used to do.

[small voice in the wilderness]

Yep. Hands down.

With ONE exception, ofcourse. In the Year 2525, by whothehellknowsorcares. Rock's equivalent of 99 Bottles of Beer.

[Iberian]

Yes we can, this is fun!! go go go

[Mr. K]

"I don't care if it rains or freezes
'long as I got my plastic Jesus
Holding onto the dashboard of my car..."

[Bug]

I'm with ya

Good, cuz I'm taking a lot of hits out on point. Watch my back.