James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[Bogey78O]

I dunno. Grand Teft Auto: Vice City makes it kinda cool.

[GreenHornet]

How about the one about cannabalism - "Timothy, Timothy, Where On Earth Did You Go"...

I was growing up in Philadelphia when that song came out. I remember DJ Don Cannon on legendary radio station WIBG ("Wibbage - the Big 99") playing that song. As the song ended, Cannon chimed in: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing"!

(FYI: Don Cannon, now working for Oldies station WOGL in Philly, will be retiring shortly).

[philo]

Stevie Winwood "The Finer Things" although I'm not sure of your lyrics

[Hand em their arse]

Haven't opened the site yet but "Scuz' me while I kiss this guy" by Hendrix has to be on there, right? Or ofcourse, "Big old Jed and the Rino" by Steve Miller Band?? LOL!!

[Bogey78O]

I heard that song once.

[TN4Liberty]

Interesting trivia about CW McCall, the band who performed the CB, Trucker song (?) "Convoy"... the leader of that band (Chip Davis) later formed another less trendy band, called Mannheim Steamroller.

[Agnes Heep]

The worst I've ever heard is "Imagine," by John Lennon. Even the Unabomber detested it.

[KarlInOhio]

That's frightening. A Mannheim Steamroller version of Convoy.

[Elkhound4]

Masters of War - Bob Dylan.

[weegee]

What do you make of this entry in the Hot 100 charts?

Paralyzed

I ran to my refrigerator,
hungry as an alligator,
open the door, what'd I see,
I saw my baby staring right back at me...Paralyzed

The audio sample was from a remake of the song recorded over a decade after the original chart hit).

[TN4Liberty]

Any person who plays Chopsticks should be taken out and publicly beaten, regardless of age: older people should know better, and younger people need to be taught a lesson.

The thread is now over and I declare myself the winner.

I see your posting name is well deserved... :)

[shelterguy]

Does that Merlot stuff come in 12 packs ?

[radiohead]

In the Year 2525

Man, I musta been young. I thought that was some deep stuff back then. : )

It's by Zager and Evans.

[Bogey78O]

That is pretty bad.

[Luis Gonzalez]

99 Luftballoons
Nena

Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt

99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All
Darum schickte ein General
'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher
Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer
Dabei war'n da am Horizont
Nur 99 Luftballons

99 Duesenjaeger
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk
Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk
Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft
Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht
Dabei schoss man am Horizont
Auf 99 Luftballons

99 Kriegsminister
Streichholz und Benzinkanister
Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
Witterten schon fette Beute
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht
Mann, wer haette das gedacht
Dass es einmal soweit kommt
Wegen 99 Luftballons

99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen

[King Prout]

yes.
Van Halen's "Jump" is pretty godawful, too.
same kazoo-buzz to the synth.
same utter lack of depth or complexity.

music was a wasteland until Metallica.

[AGreatPer]

My vote goes to "Duke of Earl".

"As I walk through my Dukedome", you gotta be kidding.

[LouD]

feelings,who whoa whoa FEELINGS!, I wish i'd never met you girl.......

Yup, although like most of those mentioned, not even remotely rock and roll.

"Feelings" was almost as annoying as "You Light Up My Life" - Which was annoying enough as a song, then they turned it into a movie. While it was playing at the mupltiplex near my home, somebody climbed up on the huge marquis they had next to a highway, and changed the sign to "You Light Up My @ss."

[weegee]

Jimi Hendrix was known to play tricks on his audience. In some live recordings he can be clearly heard to say "Scuse me while I kiss that guy!" so he was conscious of the misunderstanding.

[King Prout]

yes, "Imagine" is right up there on the list of songs I utterly loathe.
but it is not technically bad enough to be on the "worst song" list. close, though...