[SATIRE] As Catholic numbers decline, old church tries new tricks

Lark News ^

[Alex Murphy]

MEXICO CITY — Capitalizing on momentum from recent papal events, the Catholic church yesterday acknowledged its “insane jealousy and rabid envy of Pentecostals” in Latin America, and launched an ambitious plan to re-assert itself in countries where it has lost ground.

Fleets of CC-Mobiles, new roving confession and Communion trucks, are plying neighborhoods in Mexico and the U.S.

“When I heard the tinkling music, I thought it was the ice cream man, so I sent the kids out with money,” says Maria Gonzalez. “Then I saw a priest at the wheel. He invited us into the truck to have brightly-colored Communion wafers and confess anything we needed to confess. I have to admit, it was convenient.”

The Church hopes to appeal to youth with Radical Rosary conferences. The PromiseKeepers-style events will promote church rituals under new names like “Man Your Stations” stations of the Cross and “Kickin’-It Confessionals” which Church literature describes as “hang-out sessions with priests where you can talk about anything that’s on your mind except subjects relating to child abuse.” Priests are also distributing bumper stickers that say, “Sì, Catolico!” and “Catholic … And Cool.”

But long term success depends on the new pope, they say.

“We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’” says a priest from Oaxaca. “He will help us take back ground we conquered five hundred years ago.” •

[metmom]

This article is from Lark News.

[RegulatorCountry]

That’s actually kind of catchy, got a little Cajun Zydeco thing going on with the scrub board.

[RegulatorCountry]

Different people respond to different messages and ways of reaching out. If they’re teaching Christ risen and forgiveness through repentance then it’s for the good even if it might cause some to wince. That’s been my take on tacky televangelists, happy-clappy megachurches, etc. and it would apply here, too, if it weren’t satire. I was just having a little fun.

[wintertime]

How about seeing that every Catholic child has access to a solidly Catholic education that doesn't put the worship of Marxist liberation theology before God?

[Mrs. Don-o]

"Lark News is an online comedy website satirizing contemporary American Christian culture, specifically evangelicalism. It is written by author and freelance journalist Joel Kilpatrick."

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"We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’” says a priest from Oaxaca. “He will help us take back ground we conquered five hundred years ago."

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Not only 8th grader satire, but dumb outdated 8th grader satire.

Other than that, as a proton, I protest the waste of electrons.

[Salvation]

As Catholic non-Catholic numbers decline, old new churches try new old tricks

[one Lord one faith one baptism]

2 As to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered together to him, we beg you, brothers and sisters,[a] 2 not to be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by spirit or by word or by letter, as though from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord is already here. 3 Let no one deceive you in any way; for that day will not come unless the rebellion comes first and the lawless one[b] is revealed, the one destined for destruction.[c] 4 He opposes and exalts himself above every so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat in the temple of God, declaring himself to be God. 5 Do you not remember that I told you these things when I was still with you? 6 And you know what is now restraining him, so that he may be revealed when his time comes. 7 For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work, but only until the one who now restrains it is removed. 8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus[d] will destroy[e] with the breath of his mouth, annihilating him by the manifestation of his coming.
2 Thessalonians 2:1-8

the falling away is here as you have well documented. the two witnesses of Revelation are dead ( the Church ) and the world is rejoicing. the remnant has headed to the mountains ( prayer, looking up to clouds waiting for the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ )

[daniel1212]

That’s one way to explain it, and indeed a relative remnant is what is saved, but we disagree where the majority of that resides.

[one Lord one faith one baptism]

well, if your theology is correct, the great falling away or apostasy occurred in the 2nd century and lasted until the 16th century. of course such an occurrence is not Biblical.

the Scriptures show the Church will be here throughout the whole NT time frame, but right before the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus Christ, Satan will be loosed from his chains for a bit and there will be a rebellion or falling away such that Jesus wondered would He find faith on the earth when he returned. we also are told Satan will take his seat in the temple of God during this time of great tribulation. where is the temple of God since Jesus ascended and the Holy Spirit was poured out?? the temple is the Church!
we have been given the benefit of hindsight that Christians living in the first 20 centuries did not have in looking at the Scriptures and seeing which way the wind is blowing. most Americans have been blinded by dispensational nonsense, so the Satanic deception is even stronger.

[Alex Murphy]

[SATIRE] As Catholic numbers decline, old church tries new tricks

I see the old rules are back. In which case, I guess I'll have to revise the old disclaimers, too. Here's a rough draft, based on the original:

Why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Years ago, a poster claimed that every one of my posts (and I quote) "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. Now I'm appreciative of the compliment, but this is not the place to brag about my I.Q. Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. Posters like these believe that there is a need to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting your brain in the process. Remember that I give you all more credit than that, but it doesn't make it any better if someone else doesn't. Someone else thought that your posts were making you look stupid, and that you needed these warning labels to protect you from yourself.

[Mad Dawg]

I am WAY too naive! LOL

[pingman]

We call that a Texas Two-Step on the dance floor. Keeps you moving!

[Elsie]

[daniel1212]

well, if your theology is correct, the great falling away or apostasy occurred in the 2nd century and lasted until the 16th century. of course such an occurrence is not Biblical.

Well, if your theology is correct, then there was no great falling away that needed reformation in the 16th century, which is one reason for Trent.

Even where Rome had its own headquarters, at the time of the Reformation, the Catholic historian Paul Johnson described the existing social situation among the clergy:

“Probably as many as half the men in orders had ‘wives’ and families. Behind all the New Learning and the theological debates, clerical celibacy was, in its own way, the biggest single issue at the Reformation. It was a great social problem and, other factors being equal, it tended to tip the balance in favour of reform. As a rule, the only hope for a child of a priest was to go into the Church himself, thus unwillingly or with no great enthusiasm, taking vows which he might subsequently regret: the evil tended to perpetuate itself.” (History of Christianity, pgs 269-270)

In the summer of 1536, Pope Paul III appointed Cardinals Contarini and Cafara and a commission to study church Reform. The report of this commission, the Consilium de emendanda ecclesiae, was completed in March 1537. The final paragraphs deal with the corruptions of Renaissance Rome itself:

“the swarm of sordid and ignorant priests in the city, the harlots who are followed around by clerics and by the noble members of the cardinals’ households …” (A.G. Dickens, “The Counter Reformation,” pg. 100)

“… honest manners should flourish in this city and church, mother and teacher of other churches … [yet] whores perambulate like matrons or ride on muleback, with whom noblemen, cardinals, and priests consort in broad daylight …” (cited in Denis R. Janz, “A Reformation Reader, Primary Texts with Introductions,” pg 406.

we have been given the benefit of hindsight that Christians living in the first 20 centuries did not have in looking at the Scriptures and seeing which way the wind is blowing. most Americans have been blinded by dispensational nonsense, so the Satanic deception is even stronger.

The Scriptures teach awaiting Christ's imminent return is to foster holiness, while the present declension is due to becoming more like the world, which Rome effectually fosters now. While when it had temporal power to exercise her claim to "coercive jurisdiction," she conformed to the world in using physical force, torture and murder, to deal with theological nonconformists. Which early Prots had to unlearn.

And it remains that while you want to selectively choose who is a a Catholic, those whom Rome treats as members testify that they are overall more liberal and less unified in conservative mortal views than those who most strongly hold to the supremacy of Scripture as the basically literal supreme authority, which is what RCs attack.

[one Lord one faith one baptism]

there certainly was a reformation needed, one of holiness and following the Apostolic Faith.
what wasn’t needed was the false teachers arising and teaching doctrines not found in the Scriptures and not believed by anyone up until that time.

[daniel1212]

there certainly was a reformation needed, one of holiness and following the Apostolic Faith. what wasn’t needed was the false teachers arising and teaching doctrines not found in the Scriptures and not believed by anyone up until that time.

That is according to the judgment of Rome, based upon her own self-proclaimed infallibility, which does not make it true. Meanwhile, the idea that Trent corporately simply precisely defined uniformly held beliefs by their statements, and that the Reformers were novel in theirs is contrary to Scripture, as well as some scholarly research.

[BlueDragon]

I'm a bit late in offering reply...but I'll admit after getting past the opening sentence (one of those ? "!" ? sort of things) but carried along from there far as colored communion wafers before a more serious "duh-waht?" moment.

The Volks are too easily distracted. They'll go for almost anything put in front of them, if you don't mind me saying so, mein fuhrer.

[BlueDragon]

..before the satire alert was added, and the sirens from the old thread (of course) -- which i did visit yesterday.

Some people have no sense of humor. Take old Joe. Invading the Ukraine -- not that big a deal, at first. Then, the Caucasus (they didn't like that, i-doan'-know-why), but Stalingrad? Joe really lost his sense of humor then.

Some people...born to be sourpusses all their life, I guess.

[CyberAnt]

There are 3 groups of people on the earth:

The Jews
The Nations (heathen)
The Church (Christians)

None of these groups has any relation to color, education, knowledge, experience, etc.