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Pastors's Supposed "Speaking in Tounges" Actually Quenya [SATIRE]
Team Tominthebox News Network® ^ | 14 September, 2007 | Tom Slawson

Posted on 09/20/2007 12:02:34 PM PDT by topcat54

Calvert, Maryland - Scandal broke this past weekend at First Pentecostal Holiness Church in Calvert. The incident centered around the churches pastor, Rev. Art Lofton, and his supposed tremendous gift of "speaking in tongues." Lofton, who has been the pastor of the church for over five years, often amazed and charmed his congregation with what many called "a truly spectacular gift."

"Brother Lofton had the most amazing gift of tongues I had ever heard, so I thought" said member Emma Harris. "So often I have heard people speaking in tongues and, while I don't want to be critical, it just sounds like they're saying the same thing over and over again off the top of their heads. But when brother Lofton spoke it really sounded so real! It sounded like he was speaking real sentences with a smooth flow to them. And the words sounded smooth, beautiful and truly angelic. We all thought he truly had the gift."

But what many considered a "beautiful gift" was discovered this past weekend to not be as "miraculous" as many people thought. As it turns out now, for the past five years Lofton has been charming his congregation with the language Quenya. Quenya is an artificial or "constructed" language invented by famed British author J.R.R. Tolkien. The language is one of the tongues spoken by the fictitious people of Middle Earth in his series, The Lord of the Rings.

In Lofton's case, his "secret" was discovered during a morning worship service in which a number of new college students visited the church. The discovery was made by Brent Perkins, a freshman at Calvert Community College.

"I'm a pretty die-hard Tolkien fan" said Perkins. "A couple of years ago I started to learn the Elvish tongue. So, the service was going well and all that. Then during the pastor's sermon he started getting really emotional and started speaking in tongues. Everyone around me just got so overwhelmed. I thought it was some kind of joke though. I leaned over to my friend Tricia who was with me and I said 'Hey, he's speaking in Elvish.' She didn't believe me at first, but then my friend Chris realized the same thing."

After the service the kids talked with Lofton.

"I went up to the pastor and asked him 'Did you know you were speaking in Quenya?' " said Perkins. "Like all of the blood just drained from his face, but some of the other people around us heard us and asked us what Quenya was. So we told about The Lord of the Rings and stuff and they seemed to get really upset. By the time we turned around the pastor was gone."

"As word begin to spread around about what was going on everyone was getting pretty upset" stated Harris. "We felt deceived, cheated and swindled. Here we were thinking that our pastor had this magnificent gift of tongues and all he had done was learn this fake language."

TBNN received notice that the congregation has since caught up with Lofton and that he has confessed to his "sin." At the writing of this article the church has not decided what they are going to do in regards to his status as pastor.

"We just don't know what we're going to do yet" said Reynold Farris, one of the church's deacons. "How could we ever trust him? Since no one ever knows what anyone else is saying when people speak in tongues, how could we know for certain he wasn't speaking Klingon or something up there. Speaking in tongues is the most genuine and real only when it is spontaneous and makes no sense to anyone else."

TBNN will continue to monitor this situation.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: elvish; fake; satire
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1 posted on 09/20/2007 12:02:38 PM PDT by topcat54
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To: topcat54
Speaking in tongues is the most genuine and real only when it is spontaneous and makes no sense to anyone else."

Alan Greenspan comes to mind.

2 posted on 09/20/2007 12:05:46 PM PDT by Tijeras_Slim
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To: Alex Murphy; martin_fierro; Slings and Arrows

Ping!


3 posted on 09/20/2007 12:05:50 PM PDT by Xenalyte (Can you count, suckas? I say the future is ours . . . if you can count.)
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To: topcat54

bump for read and comment later.


4 posted on 09/20/2007 12:08:05 PM PDT by mnehring (Thompson/Hunter 08 -- Fred08.com - The adults have joined the race.)
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To: topcat54

Is TBNN the same as Scrappleface?


5 posted on 09/20/2007 12:08:06 PM PDT by San Jacinto
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To: topcat54

Not surprising this would happen when people put too much emphasis on having one particular gift as evidence of the Spirit.


6 posted on 09/20/2007 12:10:32 PM PDT by Abigail Adams
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To: topcat54
Pastor Lofton was so special...and then he wasn't. C'est la vie.
7 posted on 09/20/2007 12:11:39 PM PDT by snarks_when_bored
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To: topcat54

Andy Kaufmann could speak in tongues, too. Watch any old SNL or Taxi reruns.


8 posted on 09/20/2007 12:11:53 PM PDT by NRA1995 (Mr. President and Congress: This is OUR country and don't you forget it!)
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To: topcat54
The world has gotten so strange. I can't spot satire as well as I used to.

This coule be something from The Onion. Or it could be a true story. I can't tell the difference any more. And I don't think that's a good thing.

9 posted on 09/20/2007 12:13:51 PM PDT by ClearCase_guy (The broken wall, the burning roof and tower. And Agamemnon dead.)
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To: topcat54

“Speaking in tongues is the most genuine and real only when it is spontaneous and makes no sense to anyone else.”

This is an anti-Scriptural statement. St. Paul admonishes the early church in Corinth: “He who preaches is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified....Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air.” I Cor. 5:5,9)


10 posted on 09/20/2007 12:13:54 PM PDT by kittymyrib
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To: Tijeras_Slim

It seems like nobody cares that much about falsely representing the Baruch HaKodesh (Holy Spirit)


11 posted on 09/20/2007 12:14:23 PM PDT by freedomson (Tagline comment removed by moderator)
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To: San Jacinto
Follow the link. Apparently, yes, except that the topics are theological.
12 posted on 09/20/2007 12:18:41 PM PDT by NathanR ( Duncan Hunter for SecDef)
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To: topcat54
'Hey, he's speaking in Elvish.'

Well, so long as they didn't touch his blue suede shoes... Did anyone ever stand to give the interpretation of his tongues, until the college students came along?

13 posted on 09/20/2007 12:23:24 PM PDT by xJones
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To: kittymyrib

Agreed. Someone must be present to interpret in order to be genuine.


14 posted on 09/20/2007 12:24:32 PM PDT by FearlessFreep (How dare you break wind before me. Sorry, didn't realize it was your turn.)
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To: kittymyrib

Agreed. Someone must be present to interpret in order to be genuine.


15 posted on 09/20/2007 12:24:35 PM PDT by FearlessFreep (How dare you break wind before me. Sorry, didn't realize it was your turn.)
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To: freedomson
Baruch HaKodesh

Gesundheit! (Isn't that "Ruach HaKodesh" for all the Hebrew tongue-speakers?)

16 posted on 09/20/2007 12:25:13 PM PDT by topcat54 ("Friends don't let friends listen to dispensationalists.")
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To: kittymyrib

“He who preaches is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified....Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air.” I Cor. 5:5,9)

total pawnage! lmao


17 posted on 09/20/2007 12:32:07 PM PDT by Ancient Drive
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To: topcat54

Hmmm, I guess Quenya doesn’t sound too much like Sindarin, or else they never rented Peter Jackson’s LOTR movies.


18 posted on 09/20/2007 12:32:55 PM PDT by rednesss (Fred Thompson - 2008)
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To: topcat54
Speaking in tongues is the most genuine and real only when it is spontaneous and makes no sense to anyone else."

Except that the assembled listeners on the day of Pentecost heard the Apostles speaking in their own languages.

19 posted on 09/20/2007 12:33:48 PM PDT by Sloth (You being wrong & me being closed-minded are not mutually exclusive.)
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To: San Jacinto
Is TBNN the same as Scrappleface?

Yes.

20 posted on 09/20/2007 12:38:44 PM PDT by SampleMan (Islamic tolerance is practiced by killing you last.)
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