Posted on 07/26/2006 6:47:38 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
NASHVILLE - Citing a "gathering threat to our membership," the Southern Baptist Convention Sunday launched pre-emptive strikes on rival Assembly of God mega-churches in the South, leaving charred ruins where church signs and marquees once stood. Hours later, the SBC issued a statement justifying the unilateral action.
"Hostilities will escalate unless we get inspectors in there to see which of our members were stolen away by this flaky Pentecostal nonsense," says one SBC official.
The SBC chose to attack on Sunday evening at 6:30 p.m. because most churches are completely empty at that time and they wanted to minimize casualties, they said. They targeted only church signs, sending a "warning shot across the bow."
A/G officials claimed the strikes had hit Sunday school wings, not church signs, and had injured "dozens of innocent and elderly." The TBN network showed 24-hour footage of young, bandaged Missionettes and Royal Rangers lying in hospital beds ? images the SBC called "trumped up and inflammatory."
By Monday morning, hundreds of A/G adherents had gathered around decimated church signs for candlelight vigils and "tongues" rallies to show support for their churches.
"I'm outraged they would try something like this," said Martha Ennis, 41, who then began to prophesy over the reporter, giving him "words from God."
The SBC says they tried to work through the National Association of Evangelicals to bring sanctions against the A/G for "aggressive membership recruitment," but that secret deliberations ended inconclusively, and the SBC decided to act alone.
Wary of scaring away new members with the attacks, the SBC is simultaneously revving up a "shucks and aww" advertising campaign to portray a "warm, welcoming" atmosphere to counteract the impression that the SBC has become doctrinally rigid, intolerant and culturally out of touch. The ads, set to run in major newspapers beginning Thursday, show smiling, overweight Caucasian families walking into Southern Baptist churches. The SBC hopes to attract more smiling, overweight Caucasian families.
Already in some cities, A/G insurgent forces have begun counter-attacking SBC churches, scrawling "healing'z 4 today," "pharisee loverz" and other slogans Baptists find outrageous.
This picture looks like quite a nice church. From what I remember, it's only the older and more established churches that have previous members buried on the grounds. I think this adds a comforting bit of nostalgia to the congregation...
Ok, maybe it is a little funny, esp the part about the reporter:')
Condolences to Corin.....
:>)
ROFLOL! That's a good one.
Holy Hand Grenade ping
It's satire!!!
A Merry Heart Doeth Good like a Medicine! (Prov.17:22)
I'm not interested in Christian snipers who smugly proclaim their superiority over the rest of Christianity. Please do not communicate to me further.
I think he was pointing out the satire, not expressing his theological views.
I'm not interested in Christian snipers who smugly proclaim their superiority over the rest of Christianity.
____________________
Posted by the Master of Smug.
LOL - that was very good!
As Southern Baptists rain down fire and brimstone, Assembly of God fanatics blaze with Holy Spirit fire. All are consumed in the mighty conflagration.
a "shucks and aww" advertising campaign
That has to be worth at least a wry smile.
Yeah, when will they eh...ver learn...
PARODY AT IT'S BEST!!!!!!!!!!
Is the reversal of I's and E's supposed to be humor? What about the extraneous apostrophe?
Sorry, I confuse easily ...
Pretty funny stuff.
Bring in MOAB!
I do not laugh at my Savior but since scripture tells me I am made "in the Image of God" I cannot help but believe God sometimes laughs at our antics too (or else, where did we get our Sense of Humor from?)
And for those tempted to tell me I'm mocking God (I'm not) or that I'm being Sacrilegious (not doing that either), forget it - I wouldn't have a sense of humor or an appreciation for all things funny were it not given by God. Satan may use humor to ill effect on occasion but I don't believe he invented it...
Y'all keep your missals in your pockets, y'hear?!
Humor bump for your consideration.
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