Posted on 06/15/2004 7:29:27 AM PDT by Salvation
Parents Make Plans in Their Hearts
Forming Our Children's Character
Jeff Smith
My family, like yours, is a unique combination of traits and personalities. My wife, Jeanne, and I have our strengths and weaknesses. So does each of our five children. One son tends to be affectionate. One child is diligent and responsible. Another is creative, joyful, and enthusiastic. Some of our kids are quite self-confident. Of course, they each have their weak points-moods, selfish tendencies, and lapses into yelling and quarreling.
As followers of Jesus, you and I aim to grow in virtue and overcome our own negative traits. As parents, we also want to see this happen in our children. Sometimes, though, in the daily battle of helping our kids to move ahead, it's all too easy to lose sight of the beauty of their individual personalities. But the truth is that God has given each of our children-yours and mine-some special characteristics to make them stand out and shine. We parents have to recognize and encourage these traits, as well as help our kids develop others that are important for future success.
Jeanne and I talk together regularly about the particular virtues and habits we want to form in our children. The ones we've chosen may or may not be the ones you consider most important for your family. So as you read about what Jeanne and I are trying to do, have these questions in mind: Which traits do you want to instill in your children? How are you encouraging them?
Knowing and Loving God. With our oldest son now seventeen and our youngest child nine, Jeanne and I see the development of our children's faith as more important than ever. It's vital that they love God, develop a prayer life, and experience the sacraments as encounters with Jesus Christ! Of course, this is not totally in our hands. Eventually, each child will have to decide whether pleasing Jesus will be their first priority.
In the meantime, we parents need a strategy to help our kids grow in their faith. A passive approach won't succeed. We need to have the same zeal and enthusiasm for our kids' spiritual development as we do for their intellectual formation.
Naturally, Jeanne and I make sure that all the kids go to weekly Mass-as a family, whenever possible. When it comes to family prayer, we are not yet as consistent as I would like; so far, Saturday evening prayer times seem to work best. Currently, one popular activity is a joint Bible study with two other families. We get together once a week, with the grade-school children and the high-schoolers meeting in separate groups.
Whatever our specific plan, Jeanne and I constantly try to reinforce the importance of knowing Jesus personally. In spoken and unspoken ways, we look for ways to tell each child: "Do you know that Jesus loves you? Do you know how special you are to God?" Kids should have absolutely no doubts that their parents consider this personal relationship with the Lord more important than their academic success or anything else.
Healthy Ambition. God has given each of our children a role to play in this world, something only they can fulfill. While neither they nor we can foresee exactly what their part will be, they must prepare for it now. This involves learning faithfulness in their current responsibilities by taking schoolwork seriously, building good friendships, and fulfilling their duties at home and elsewhere.
Some children are naturally diligent and inclined to act responsibly; with others, it's a struggle. In both cases, Jeanne and I have found that the most fruitful approach is to help the child catch a vision for their future-an exciting vision that will require some work to achieve. Would Dorothy Day or Mother Teresa have served God so outstandingly if they had never been inspired by lofty thoughts and godly ambitions? Perhaps not.
We parents must put dreams in our children of doing something wonderful with their lives. This healthy ambition for the future will call them to excellence in whatever they do today. Without manipulating or exerting unhealthy pressure, we should encourage our kids always to aim high and do their best.
And don't panic if your kids seem to lack ambition! Growing up, I certainly wasn't outstandingly responsible and diligent. My parents valued hard work and high goals and set a good example for me, but my highest priority was maximizing fun and minimizing homework. Still, Mom and Dad never gave up urging me to develop a healthy ambition for my life. Each morning as I went off to school, my mom would leave me with her favorite motto: "Achieve!" Finally, when I was twenty-five and Jeanne and I were starting our family, those parental values began making sense to me.
Be hopeful! Though you may feel you're hitting a brick wall today, much of your thinking will flow into your children in time.
Care and Compassion. Ambition and desire to excel should be balanced by other-oriented compassion and care. Despite all their advantages, kids can fall into thinking that life is so unfair and that they have it so rough. In reality, our children-yours and ours-have really been blessed. For one thing, God has blessed your kids by giving them you! If they develop a compassionate heart, our kids can get outside their little worlds and see the big real world where so many people are suffering-facing terrible trials, struggling to get by each month or to survive each day.
Care and compassion begin at home, as we help our kids to see and respond to everyday opportunities-like doing the dishes for someone even when it's not their turn. We can show them how to exercise compassion toward their friends, especially those who lack structure and support. This may present challenges for us, too.
When our children bring home friends who are disrespectful, unsupervised, and doing poorly in school, we worry that they will pick up bad habits. At the same time, we don't want our kids to shun those who need more stability in their lives. In situations like this, Jeanne and I often encourage these friends to see our sons or daughters at our home. We treat them well and expect them to respond by acting responsibly and respectfully whenever they come over. Although there is some risk in this approach, it seems the right way to teach our kids to care for others.
Encouraging children to care about other people's needs can expose inconsistencies in parents' own lives. One evening at dinner, eleven-year-old Kathleen asked, "Why can't we have a poor person live with us, Dad?"
Kathleen has always had a strong compassionate streak. Even when she was little, she was very affectionate toward elderly people; she has a natural concern for the poor.
I'm still thinking about her question because, in fact, we're not concerned enough about the poor. Perhaps Jesus was speaking to me through my daughter!
Honesty and Trust. When one of my sons was ten, he and a friend went to buy candy at a local store called Rudy's. This was against family rules for two reasons: Rudy's was on a busy street with fast-moving traffic, and it was a liquor store! My son didn't know it, but Jeanne and I soon caught wind of his forbidden expedition.
That evening at the dinner table, I told the children, "I really would love some candy tonight. Did any of you buy candy today?" No answer. A few minutes later, the conversation got onto speeding drivers. "Have you all seen how fast some of the cars go past Rudy's?" I asked. "Any of you been to Rudy's lately?" No answer. Of course, a couple of the kids were laughing by then, while the culprit knew he had been nabbed.
After dinner, I spoke to my son about trust and honesty. He had not simply gone to a store that we forbade, I explained. He had made his friends promise not to tell us. And when we gave him the opportunity to be honest, he didn't come clean. Deception was his most serious violation.
Without overreacting, we as parents need to react to our kids' "little white lies." They may seem harmless and cute sometimes, but really, they aren't okay. In every relationship, trust is built on honesty-in time, our kids' marriages will be built on trust and honesty!
So teach your children the value of honesty. Let them know you really love them and expect them to be honest with you. When they cross the line, take them aside and have a private discussion to avoid embarrassing them publicly. When they ask forgiveness, extend it. But make sure there are real consequences for dishonesty-extra chores, maybe, or the suspension of a privilege.
Target Your Priorities. There are many other wonderful, important traits that you could choose to work on with your children. Perhaps you'd rather focus on the value of generosity, intelligence, or joy. You might want to foster your kids' creativity, encourage their eagerness to learn, or teach them the value of showing affection and service in the family.
Which traits do you most want to instill? Why not choose two, three, or four of them to form in your children during the next year? Remember: You're not in it alone. God's hand is on your children-and you, their parents.
Jeff Smith is president of The Word Among Us.
Any additional thoughts about helping children form Christian values and for bringing up children in a Christian atmosphere?
Please notify me via FReepmail if you would like to be added to or taken off the Catholic Discussion Ping List.
I would add that the saying "patience is a virtue" is greatly underestimated. Parents need desparately to be patient with their children, as I have learned time after time. Sometimes the results are not evident until many years have passed. There are so many phases of growing up - infancy, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Think of the various stages in these growing up years, the picking-up-everything stage, the throwing-food-on-the-floor stage, climbing, repeating words, teasing, tattling on others, the secrecy and privacy stages - the list could go on forever!! Hopefully your children will turn out as God wishes, but this requires lots of patience and prayer on the part of parents. I would always advise that parents ask the Blessed Mother and Saint Joseph to help them along the way.
Not a day goes by that I don't thank the good Lord for the beautiful gifts he has sent my husband and myself. So much laughter/joy and yes, some sorrow and disappointments. I am hopeful that the final result will be of God's will.
Thank you for posting this! :o)
later
Salvation, I found the article lacking. For one thing I found very little solid Catholic teaching on the formation and education of children as taught by the Magisterium of the Church. Most of the suggestions were personal experiences and anecdotes that the author was conveying, rather than Church Teaching.
I would suggest parents read DIVINI ILLIUS MAGISTRI (On Christian Education), as well as other Church Documents on the right education of youth and formation of families, for a much better direction on education and preparation of children and parent's own obligations and duties.
"Word Among Us" tends to be Catholic lite, biblically based, and charismatic, and mostly edited by converts, reverts and practicing cradle Catholics who essentially never discuss Church Teachings prior to the 1960's, as though the Church began in that decade.
You're welcome!
**Not a day goes by that I don't thank the good Lord for the beautiful gifts he has sent my husband and myself. So much laughter/joy and yes, some sorrow and disappointments. I am hopeful that the final result will be of God's will.**
From what you have written here, I am sure your children will fulfill God's will and be upright Catholics. God bless!
Good suggestion.
Many people relate to this kind of teaching rather than reading an encyclical. (When was the last time we all read a complete encyclical?)
Could you find that for us and link it?
Here is a list, with several quotes of several Church Documents that should be must reads by Catholic Parents. These all come from the book on Catholic education, Homeschooling to be more precise, by Dr. MK Clark, published by TAN Books.
I think a Google Search will turn up most if not all of these documents.
Matthew, Chapter 19, 4-9
Purpose of the Sacrament of Matrimony
Casti Connubi, Pope Pius XI,http://ewtn.com/library/ENCYC/P11CASTI.HTM
Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI
Instructions of the Holy Office to the Bishops of the US, November 24, 1875
Instruction of the Sacred Congregation of Religious on Co-Education, December 8, 1955
Sapientiae Christianae, Jan 10, 1890
Militantis Ecclesiae, Pope Leo XIII
Christian Education of Youth, (Divini Illius Magistri) Pope Pius XI
Summi Pontificatus, October 20, 1939
Catechesi Tradendae, Pope John Paul II
Canon Law:
226.2
774.2
793.1
835.4
1055.1
1134
1136
1366
Familiaris Consortio, Pope John Paul II
Charter of the Rights of the Family, Pope John Paul II
Several Quotes: and Links:
DIVINI ILLIUS MAGISTRI (On Christian Education) Pope Pius XI
http://ewtn.com/library/ENCYC/P11DIVIL.HTM
7. It is therefore as important to make no mistake in education, as it is to make no mistake in the pursuit of the last end, with which the whole work of education is intimately and necessarily connected. In fact, since education consists essentially in preparing man for what he must be and for what he must do here below, in order to attain the sublime end for which he was created, it is clear that there can be no true education which is not wholly directed to man's last end, and that in the present order of Providence, since God has revealed Himself to us in the Person of His Only Begotten Son, who alone is "the way, the truth and the life," there can be no ideally perfect education which is not Christian education.
10. Now in order that no mistake be made in this work of utmost importance, and in order to conduct it in the best manner possible with the help of God's grace, it is necessary to have a clear and definite idea of Christian education in its essential aspects, viz., who has the mission to educate, who are the subjects to be educated, what are the necessary accompanying circumstances, what is the end and object proper to Christian education according to God's established order in the economy of His Divine Providence.
For it is true, as Leo XIII has wisely pointed out, that without proper religious and moral instruction "every form of intellectual culture will be injurious; for young people not accustomed to respect God, will be unable to bear the restraint of a virtuous life, and never having learned to deny themselves anything. they will easily be incited to disturb the public order."[16]
60. Hence every form of pedagogic naturalism which in any way excludes or weakens supernatural Christian formation in the teaching of youth, is false. Every method of education founded, wholly or in part, on the denial or forgetfulness of original sin and of grace, and relying on the sole powers of human nature, is unsound. Such, generally speaking, are those modern systems bearing various names which appeal to a pretended self-government and unrestrained freedom on the part of the child, and which diminish or even suppress the teacher's authority and action, attributing to the child an exclusive primacy of initiative, and an activity independent of any higher law, natural or divine, in the work of his education.
SAPIENTIAE CHRISTIANAE ON CHRISTIANS AS CITIZENS
ENCYCLICAL OF POPE LEO XIII JANUARY 10, 1890 http://www.papalencyclicals.net/Leo13/l13sapie.htm
It is, then, incumbent on parents... to strive manfully to have and to hold exclusive authority to direct the education of their offspring, as is fitting, in a Christian manner, and first and foremost to keep them away from schools where there is risk of their drinking in the poison of impiety. Where the right education of youth is concerned, no amount of trouble or labor can be undertaken, how great soever, but that even greater still may not be called for. ... yet all should be intimately persuaded that the minds of children are most influenced by the training they receive at home. If in their early years they find within the walls of their homes the rule of an upright life and the discipline of Christian virtues, the future welfare of society will in great measure be guaranteed.
MILITANTIS ECCLESIAE ENCYCLICAL OF POPE LEO XIII ON ST. PETER CANISIUS
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/leo_xiii/encyclicals/documents/hf_l-xiii_enc_01081897_militantis-ecclesiae_en.html
Catholics should not choose mixed schools but have their own schools especially for children. They should choose excellent and reputable teachers for them. For an education in which religion is altered or non-existent is a very dangerous education.
17. To organize teaching in such a way as to remove it from all contact with religion is therefore to corrupt the very seeds of beauty and honor in the soul. It is to prepare, not defenders of the nation, but a plague and a scourge for the human race. Once God is suppressed, what can keep young people dutiful or recall them when they have strayed from the path of virtue and fall into the abyss of vice
MIT BRENNENDER SORGE ENCYCLICAL OF POPE PIUS XI ON THE CHURCH AND THE GERMAN REICH
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_14031937_mit-brennender-sorge_en.html
Yet do not forget this: none can free you from the responsibility God has placed on you over your children. None of your oppressors, who pretend to relieve you of your duties can answer for you to the eternal Judge, when he will ask: "Where are those I confided to you?" May every one of you be able to answer: "Of them whom thou hast given me, I have not lost any one" (John xviii. 9).
In can only think that if the So. Baptists, vote to remove their children from public schools, they will only be doing what the Church has exhorted the Faithful to do for many many years. If only Catholics would take their Faith and the Treasure of the their Faith as seriously...
I can understand this way of thinking, however, it still does not let Catholic parents off the hook. We still are held responsible for the proper training and education of our children.
A good example is the new CCD director in my parish. This very kind, and fine person, with several children who by their own admissions knows very little of the Faith, has told me on more than one occassion that there is "no time to study Church Teachings".
By this mere statement I know, that I would be irresponsible for allowing my children to be in the CCD program at the parish. I could not allow my children to go to a school where the principal has no idea what or how to teach, much less a program which is so much more important, being that it is the training of a child's soul.
Your concerns address exactly why I post both conservative and as you call it 'Catholic lite' commentaries on the Daily Readings thread.
We are all individuals and can all make our own choices.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.