Posted on 08/13/2003 9:40:36 AM PDT by ddodd3329
Why do fewer people marry?
According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.
There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.
In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?
The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:
They can get sex without marriage;
They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,
They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)
In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."
Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."
Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.
>>>Continued<<<
(Excerpt) Read more at dondodd.com ...
I actually had to read what I posted several times but finally it hit me. I work in an air conditioned office (about 35 hours/week), freep all day, and am basically waited on by fifteen gentlemen. On the other hand, my husband is a self-employed laborer who works outside in 90+ degree heat, often times 12-15 hours per day. He has come in so exhausted some evenings, turned his back to me, and asked if his a$$ was still there. He determines the stats at our house.
For the record, I have asked him to retire as we can live off my salary. He's still thinking about it.
Not really. At least not for most of the guys I know, most of which are not intent on getting married to my knowledge even though most of them have been in a committed relationship for years with the same woman.
And the reasoning is simple. Commitment is in the mind, not on a marriage certificate. None of them is going to risk their financial future because some blowhard has asserted that you can't be committed without being married. The buy-in for marriage is damn expensive and offers negligible benefits, and so fiscally prudent guys have decided against it.
At least among the men I know, not getting married is all about asset protection and a number of them have been divorced before. And more and more women seem to be getting comfortable with this state of affairs. Getting married in an already committed relationship just gives the woman the wrong kinds of incentives and arguably weakens the relationship. After all, after they get married the woman can just "cut and run". Break-ups are actually pretty equitable if you aren't married, no matter how long you've been together. It is hard to say the same about divorce.
Is it possible to get a religious marriage that wouldn't automatically be recognized as a civil one? Any lawyers out there?
As long as you don't actually fill out the paperwork required by the State, I don't see what stops anyone from going through the motions. It may qualify as a kind of common law marriage in certain states, but many states these days seem to have legally eliminated the concept of a common law marriage so that possibility of some judge making that legal interpretation may not exist.
That's the way to go - a religious ceremony, without a marriage license, in a state that does not recognize common-law marriage. Possibly a cohabitation agreement to take care of property matters.
That's what I will advise my son to do.
That's it in a nutshell! That's probably why a lot of marriages take place in church. Both are praying God will give them the vigorish.
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
I heard a female minister speak on this. She concurs with you. She asked the ladies in the congregation, "Ladies, that's not who your husband married? Are you the same woman that he did marry?"
She preached about the daily stresses of work and family, the husband's role towards his wife and family, and "The Virtuous Woman" (Proverbs 31). But when she spoke about intimacy, she spoke specifically about the point you raised. She didn't cut the men any slack on the issue, either.
I always make time for my kids. I thought that women were supposed to be turned on by a "good dad" and someone who chips in around the house? Interestingly, laurav made a similar comment on the post that someone put up before.
laurav said, "If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it."
Phantom Lord retorted, "Ya right. Trust me. Many of us have tried that tactic after being informed by our wives that it would "increase their interest". It is nothing more than a big fat LIE!"
I think that I might side with Phantom Lord on this one. During a "dry spell", I worked extra hard around the house, made dinner for nearly 5 1/2 straight weeks (though with a few nights out), and met one of my workout goals by getting down to 11% BF. All the while, I didn't once instigate or suggest a "romp"; just maybe some playful flirting. All the while: nothing. Now, that wasn't a normal occassion and, thankfully, we haven't had another "dry spell" like that, but I was shaking my head. Luckily that seems to have been an anomoly (fingers still cross)
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