The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[null and void]

He said that during a break in his quest for an honest man, no doubt...

[FreedomAvatar]

Not possible, because your right to own the revolver will have been revoked by the Lautenberg bill when the divorcing wife takes out a restraining order in order to have greater leverage in the custody hearing.

Why, yes, the TRO gambit. Great way to prevent dad from seeing the kids at all during the whole proceeding. "But a TRO means dad must be a child-abuser or wife-beater", you say. Nope. Once again, mere allegation is sufficient(and you can be damned sure her lawyer is encouraging it). Summary judgement. Game over.

[MineralMan]

"I was reading your home-page, and respect your privacy and I just have a question for you, if you feel comfortable answering it.

What makes a person an atheist?"

Depends on the person, I suppose. For me, it was long years of study of all the religions of the world, followed by the conclusion that each of them thought they were the _right_ religion. Either all of them are right, in my opinion, or all of them are wrong.

It's more complicated than that, and not on the topic of this thread, but becoming an atheist, for me, was a matter of a very long-considered process.

I don't suggest that anyone else become an atheist. Each person's beliefs or non-beliefs are up to that person.

[Capt.YankeeMike]

your post #34, would you mind elaborating (in private) seriously...

The Wily ol Captain

[Centurion2000]

If I am an in-shape, well-paid, house-cleaning, caring dad and loving husband who cooks at least 3 days a week and puts the lid down, isn't that enough?

Hmmm ... guess I have a different standard than you. If I'm the sole-breadwinner in the house, why should I have to do housework other than the lawn and the garbage ?

[mattdono]

And, here is the weird thing: almost all of that "stuff" that we do (working extra, working late, etc.) is dedicated to improving the family's circumstances usually including, primarily, the wife and kids. I have spent a great deal of my time paying for my kids college. I have two children (one 4 1/2 and one 1 1/2) and both of their college tuitions are paid for and each has a savings account. I have a comfortable life insurance policy and a notable death benefit through my employer. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my kids college is paid for, they have a fund that will grow to a substantive amount by the time they are 18, and my wife will be taken care of financiall (house paid off, all debts paid off, car paid off, and plenty left over, even considering the gumint's greedy hands). Why would I do all of that stuff? Because I have an undying devotion to my wife and kids.

For all of this, I get the big piece of chicken.

[mattdono]

Hear, hear!

[MineralMan]

"Hmmm ... guess I have a different standard than you. If I'm the sole-breadwinner in the house, why should I have to do housework other than the lawn and the garbage ?"

Actually, that would be a matter for you and your spouse to decide. Every couple is different.

[null and void]

Thank you Bill Clinton.

Yeah. As the father of a 14 yo daughter, thanks one whole lot.

[MineralMan]

"Why would I do all of that stuff? Because I have an undying devotion to my wife and kids.

For all of this, I get the big piece of chicken.

"

LOL. Well, there are some compensations. Actually, though, I'll bet you get a lot more than that, in a sense of accomplishment and of doing a good thing for your family. Bravo!

[Tokhtamish]

I've recently been reacqainted with my long dormant faith.

The role of unemployment in the Divine Plan.

[riri]

Almost all the women I know react to their husband working long hours that way. Sometimes, I really think they have no idea the competetiveness, the pressure, demands and the sheer amount of bu--shit that their husbands endure everyday.

[redgolum]

As a man in his late 20's, this is a concern of mine. I want to get married, but I look at some of the women that I have dated in the past and it is scary. I once was slapped for holding a door open for my date. She said it was an insult to her and I had better apologize.

Dating right now is a mine field. There are a few good women and men out there, but the numbers are dropping. I am very blessed to be seeing a wonderful women right now. We have many of the same intrests and likes, and are both religious. The only thing is she is Catholic and I am Lutheran (her beliefs are pretty close to mine though, so she is not a strict Catholic). Who knows, maybe I will take the gamble.

[fishbabe]

i wonder if she goes braless just because theres no bra bigggggggg enough for those!!!!!

[null and void]

If I'm the sole-breadwinner in the house, why should I have to do housework other than the lawn and the garbage ?

Because all those other things cuts into her eating bonbons and watching soaps time. DUH!

[mattdono]

Well, that is a fair point too. I don't know if my wife would agree with that. Of course, that is really what we are talking about: when is it enough?

Is being the sole breadwinner enough these days? It doesn't seem that this is enough for many women.

And, before anyone goes off and gets all out of shape, I would be totally fine with my wife bringing home all of the dough.

[Tokhtamish]

It turns in on itself.

Because of divorce a lot of young girls didn't have relationships with their fathers so they grow up starved for male approval and attention. They quickly learn how to get LOTS of male attention when they turn 14. So you have alot of needy, easy young girls and older men.

[null and void]

I want to get married

DON'T

[FreedomAvatar]

Which is what I did for 17 years. Including paying for her to go back to school and get another degree. Little did I realize that in addition to getting a degree, she also got herself a brand new boyfriend. And the kids. And 1/2 of everything else.

So you hope to God you don't lose your job because you'll be "in arearrs" and at the mercy of some judge. It's servitude and it sucks.

That's the the FU you get after trying to be loving husband, father, and provider. For working your @ss off to provide a decent living standard.

[RinaseaofDs]

Same here. Exactly. I'm wondering when its going to take a major reestablishment of reality for her. I probably ought to schedule it up. There are some innocuous times where I sort of drive home the tendancy.

She'll say, "I'm hungry." I go, "Okay, I'll get something for you, what would you like." She'll say, "I don't know."

I used to go through the entire list of foodstuffs in the universe. Now I say, "Let me know when you've got that down, and I will take care of it for you."

My way of saying, "Not capable of mind reading, astral projection or telepathy, so let's come back to reality in the physical plane." Her reaction was, "Wow, that was sort of rude." Now she's starting to get it.