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The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?
Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

Posted on 08/13/2003 9:40:36 AM PDT by ddodd3329

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

(Excerpt) Read more at dondodd.com ...


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Culture/Society; Editorial; Politics/Elections; US: Alabama; US: Alaska; US: Arizona; US: Arkansas; US: California; US: Colorado; US: Connecticut; US: Delaware; US: District of Columbia; US: Florida; US: Georgia; US: Hawaii; US: Idaho; US: Illinois; US: Indiana; US: Iowa; United Kingdom; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: conservative; liberal; marriage; men; republican; sex; strike; wendymcelroy; women
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To: ddodd3329
They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

That is definitely it for me.

21 posted on 08/13/2003 9:57:06 AM PDT by xrp
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Comment #22 Removed by Moderator

To: jjm2111
The only exception might be to a Christian woman who takes marriage seriously.

Even then, you are taking your chances. Seriously.

23 posted on 08/13/2003 9:57:43 AM PDT by tortoise (All these moments lost in time, like tears in the rain.)
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To: FourPeas
Why on earth did men get themselves in this pickle? And, why don't they get themselves out of it?

Paternalistic, "old-school" judges and legislators hearkened back to a time when women needed to be protected from the rougher element. When the radical feminists came along with their anti-male legislation and lawsuits, these old codgers were easily fooled into thinking they were somehow protecting female virtue by doing the feminists' bidding. Now, those old guys are not around to correct their mistakes, having been replaced by young leftists with an interest in maintaining the new status quo.

It's going to be tough to reverse without a second American Revolution.

24 posted on 08/13/2003 9:57:45 AM PDT by Mr. Jeeves
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To: ddodd3329
Well, here's another spin on it. Cultural forces have been lengthening adolescence for years. People go to graduate school, or switch between jobs or even still live with their parents until their mid-20's, meaning most men are in no position to support a family at age 25. Consequently, most aren't prepared to get married at age 25. Women who start thinking about when they are going to have children around this time will not find many eligible, stable men who are grown up enough to commit.

So my friends and I have a solution to this (we are in our early/mid-20's). We are all dating men who are roughly 10 years older than we are. By that time they've finally grown up, they're financially stable, and they're looking to settle down. They are the ones trying to hurry through courtship to marriage. It's quite nice after dating 25 year old men who couldn't plan by Wednesday for Saturday night.

25 posted on 08/13/2003 9:57:48 AM PDT by laurav
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To: FourPeas
FYI..."no-fault" divorce was one of the first rallying cries of the soccer-mom suburban feminazis.....yet studies done 20 years after states first enacted NF divorce lawes show that is has been just awful for women and kids..the income of the male rises significantly after the divorce, while the income, and living standard of the female, and the children, drops dramatically..funny how we dont here much about that..it's like the luxury tax on yachts..rememebr that..it killed the boatbuilding busines..put thousands of workers on unemployment..
26 posted on 08/13/2003 9:57:57 AM PDT by ken5050
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To: tortoise
Even then, you are taking your chances. Seriously.

That bad?

27 posted on 08/13/2003 9:58:35 AM PDT by jjm2111
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Comment #28 Removed by Moderator

To: banjo joe
"why keep a cow when milk is free? "

Why mess with cows when calves are cheaper?

You know why older men date young girls? Because they can.

29 posted on 08/13/2003 9:59:20 AM PDT by bayourod
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To: ddodd3329
I have a friend who is being pressured to marry. It won't happen. He says he's not buying his house for the third time.
30 posted on 08/13/2003 9:59:58 AM PDT by US_MilitaryRules (Daddy needs a Hummer! The H2 will do!)
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To: banjo joe
"men give love for sex
women give sex for love
Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother.
"

People who marry for sex, primarily, are idiots. Marriage is far more than that, and as people grow older, other elements of a relationship take on more and more significance.

If you're contemplating marriage, think about it a long time. Are you marrying primarily to have a regular sex partner? Forget it. Are you marrying because, along with the sex, you find your prospective partner to be the best friend you ever had? Then marry, by all means.

Marriage is a very, very important decision. How are you going to feel, ten or twenty years down the road when your spouse has, perhaps a serious illness? How is your partner going to feel under the same circumstances? Do you agree completely on important things like child-rearing, religion, the importance of wealth, etc.? If not, think hard, because it's difficult to change these things.

Does your prospective parter have a drug or alcohol problem of any kind? That's tough to change. Are your personalities compatible? One neatnick and one slob make for a rocky time ahead.

Marriage is serious. It ain't just sex. Far from it.
31 posted on 08/13/2003 10:00:16 AM PDT by MineralMan (godless atheist)
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Comment #32 Removed by Moderator

To: the gillman@blacklagoon.com
Not in Georgia!
33 posted on 08/13/2003 10:01:23 AM PDT by xrp
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To: jjm2111
That bad?

I'm just happy I got out largely unscathed, due to fortuitous circumstances and fortunate timing.

34 posted on 08/13/2003 10:02:02 AM PDT by tortoise (All these moments lost in time, like tears in the rain.)
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To: ddodd3329
The gratitude that went up in contemplating the meaning in my wedding ring, juxtaposed against my Bible's turning page....
35 posted on 08/13/2003 10:02:16 AM PDT by onedoug
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Some men marry two wives; I would not call that relunctance ;-)

Millionaire's double life stuns family, community

While their wives drove Rolls-Royces and moved among Tampa's elite, Douglas Cone and Donald Carlson always seemed busy with business.

Carlson was also frequently away from home — an absence his family attributed to a sensitive government job that required him to travel for long stretches.

But those business trips masked a shocking secret: Douglas Cone was Donald Carlson. Cone lived a secret double life for nearly 30 years, raising two affluent families in lavish homes 20 miles apart — one with his wife of 52 years and the other with a former employee.

By all accounts, Jean Ann Cone never suspected her husband was using an alias to carry on a relationship with Hillary Carlson, 18 years her junior. He fathered three children with his wife and two with Carlson.

The double life unraveled this spring only after Jean Ann Cone died at 75 and Cone married Hillary Carlson two weeks later. Friends said they learned of his new marriage in Sumter County, about an hour north of Tampa, when the local newspaper printed a listing of local marriages.


36 posted on 08/13/2003 10:02:33 AM PDT by george wythe
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To: tortoise
Ouch.
37 posted on 08/13/2003 10:03:20 AM PDT by jjm2111
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To: banjo joe
"Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother."

The kids are her flesh and blood, but husband is just some guy she met at a party who now works to support her family.

38 posted on 08/13/2003 10:03:52 AM PDT by HighWheeler
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To: ModelBreaker
I was thinking the same thing, meaningless statistics. ZPG has just caught up with marriage rate.
39 posted on 08/13/2003 10:04:46 AM PDT by Eva
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To: ddodd3329
Because 67 to 75% of divorces are initiated by the female partner: 74to 80% of unilateral (non-mutual) divorces. (Percentages vary only slightly from the US to Australia to Germany).

[Maggie Gallagher, The Abolition of Marriage: How We Destroy Lasting Love, Washington, DC: Regnery, 1996, who cites Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr. and Andrew J. Cherlin, Divided Families: What Happens to Children When Parents Part, Harvard University Press, 1991, p. 22. Ilene Wolcott and Jody Hughes,& "Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce,"

And the man stands to lose his children, 50% of his assets, and be relegated to "obligor" status by the anti-father "family" court system - at the sole discretion of a single judge. No proof is needed to pass summary judgement that dad is: inferior, unnecessary (except as an obligor), and a deadbeat (ahhh- the humiliation of having your wages garnished).

Equal protection under the law? Yeah, right.

I see friends of mine living this same hell, day after day. Marriage? Might as well play Russian Roulette with 3 bullets in the revolver.

40 posted on 08/13/2003 10:05:55 AM PDT by FreedomAvatar
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