GAG!
Posted on 07/10/2003 2:59:26 PM PDT by stainlessbanner
I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. My husband Keith and our friend Keith had that longing look on their faces. I could see the drool dripping from their mouths and hear the desire in their voices.
If I didn't know better, I would have thought they were talking about Halle Berry or a classic Porsche. A stranger never would have guessed they were waxing poetic about a Southern delicacy: grits.
"My mother-in-law sent me eight boxes of Quaker Old Fashioned Grits from North Carolina," our friend says.
"Ohhh, man! You're kidding," my husband says as he licks his lips. "You can't find those here. I refuse to eat quick or instant grits."
"Why?" I ask. "Grits are grits."
They levitated from their seats, looking at me as if I were from Mars.
"It's not about the quickness of food," my husband says through gritted teeth, "it's about the taste. We know a fake pot of grits when we taste it."
Grits connoisseurs. Who knew?
I like grits. Old-fashioned, quick or instant -- all taste great to me. Like my father, I eat grits with butter, cheddar cheese and sugar.
"Noooooo!" both Keiths scream. "Never put sugar in your grits!"
"That's for Cream of Wheat," our friend says. Or oatmeal, my husband says with disdain. He hates oatmeal.
It appears I have a lot to learn about grits. Both men try to school me.
"With grits," my husband says, "consistency is key."
Our friend agrees. "Grits should not be runny," he says. "They should be stiff like mashed potatoes."
"They don't have to be stiff like mashed potatoes," my husband adds, "but they should not be runny."
So how do you cook grits to get that perfect consistency? It depends on which Keith you ask.
"Fill half a small pot with water," my husband says. "Add salt and about two pats of margarine before the water boils. As soon as the water starts to boil, turn the heat down to low and add 5 tablespoons of grits."
To avoid lumpy grits, stir them constantly, and never cover the pot.
"You have to stay with the pot," for about 25 minutes, my husband says. "You'll know the grits are done when they start to go bloop . . . bloop . . . bloop . . . bloop. Let them bloop for another three minutes. Then turn the fire off."
Finally, my husband says, "put in a small handful of shredded mild cheddar cheese, but don't mix the cheese in. Just let it melt down."
The grits are ready to be served with scrambled eggs and bacon. "Eggs must be scrambled, no sunny side up or poached and no runny yolks," my husband says. "You can cook your bacon first, but don't cook your eggs until your grits are done."
Our friend Keith has a different method for cooking perfect grits. He says to put cold water in the pot and add the grits before bringing the water to a boil.
"Stir the grits to remove the lumps, then heat the water," our friend says. "Once the water comes to a boil, cover the pot, so no air escapes. The key is to stir them."
About 30 minutes later, the grits are ready to serve with ham, a pat of butter, two eggs and a biscuit.
"Grits should be served on a plate," our friend adds, "not in a bowl!"
My husband agrees with the plate rule, but can't fathom eating grits with liver or corned beef hash the way our friend likes them.
"In Florida, you have permission to have grits and fish, as long as it's fried catfish fillets," my husband says. "You can't have bones in your grits."
Now all I want to know is: When do we eat?
;-)
Just never, never, never, never, never think about what it really is.
GAG!
I will shoot you in the head if you put sugar in your grits. 
I'll bet you had to leave Alabama one step ahead of the neighbors when they found out you hated grits. :)
Grits are the sauce and sustenance of Southern breakfasts. They are very bland, yes, but that allows them to snuggle up to fried eggs, swim in red-eye gravy, and bask with biscuits. The Waffle House chain, for instance, has complimentary grits, where countless Southerners have enjoyed the lowly but noble grits. Yankees have their fried slices of pork-mush called scrapple for breakfast, but the South has grits.
It's a tiny grain of specially processed corn that gets hung between your teeth and increases your intelligence.
...and should look like dredgings from the bottom of the Mississippi river.
So9
Sugar should be confined to tea and juleps. Sugar on or in cornbread is a heathenish yankified practice. It is symptomatic of the creeping yankification of Southern culture. Anyone over the age of twelve who does that should be sent to a reeducation camp, made to confess his/her ideological impurities, and failing that, just purged. ;-)
Molasses is good on cornbread. Molasses with sausage is even better.
All the Southern food you mentioned is glorious but you forgot country ham with biscuits, sausage, pork chops, bacon, and the other fruit of the pig.
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