Sports Edition
USO Canteen
CEO: Tonkin
Editor: MoJo
Proofer: Ma |
LINKS
Please click below 
*FM stands for FReepmail. For our military and anyone else, please use the Contact Us link to email us. Thanks!
Sponsors
Click below
 The Truth About Men Click
Click link and pic! 
Girl Power Click
Learn young and be happy!
Click link and pic! Sports Photos!
Just click on the
picture and you'll
be transported to
see the full image.
Thanks.                |
| |
| CANTEEN SPORTS CORNER |
| |
Welcome to the Canteen Sports Corner!
On the left hand side, you will find the links for all the sports you would ever want. Also, many of the items in the Corner are either inspired, or can be found, by following any of the links provided. Be sure to check out our sponsors below the links. As usual, we aim to please at the Canteen Sports Corner. Please enjoy your tour and by all means share any sports stuff that you may have. Have a great day!
The Canteen Sports Editors wish to thank SouthernHawk for his contribution to America, the Canteen, and for writing such a wonderful column.
Thank you, SouthernHawk. |
| |
GUEST SPORTS COLUMNIST
NASCAR FANS
“A bunch of heavy drinkers?”
by SouthernHawk
The Pepsi 400 is to NASCAR as Wednesday is to the work week. It is sort of a “hump-day” in the racing season. There are 19 races before the Pepsi 400 and 19 races after it. Now, please realize that I am not a professional sports writer. After folks read this article, I may not even be a Freeper.
Oh well, here it goes.
There have been several occasions where I have found myself defending NASCAR fans from an accusation of being “Heavy drinkers and big eaters”.
The wholesome image that I have attempted to portray is often challenged by a few “professional couch potatoes”. Generally, I am victorious (in spite of being outnumbered quite badly) in my defense of the fans. After several hard fought battles, I think I may need to reconsider.
This second-guessing started when I looked at the 2003 Winston Cup Schedule posted above my desk. It looks more like a take out menu from the local restaurant then a Race Schedule. Have you ever tried to defend NASCAR fans from the “Accusers” when the very first race is named after Budweiser Beer?
In fact, ten of the races on the schedule are named after drinks and food. An eleventh race also includes a food store and even goes so far as to tell you what type of car to drive to get there. This would be the “Dodge/Save Mart” race. Why would you name auto races after “Gatorade”, “Pepsi” or “Coca Cola”? Shouldn’t racing be named after companies like “Atlas Towing” or “Binford’s Tool Time Body Shop”?
When you stop and think about it, food and drink are tied pretty close to NASCAR. For instance, in our house, when you walk in the front door you find yourself in a large rectangular living room. The long sides of the room are in front of and behind you. The short sides of the rectangle are on your left and right. There is a door in the back left corner that goes to the hall and the bathroom at the end. On the right is an archway that leads into the kitchen. This creates a “racetrack” in our house. The lap goes out to the kitchen, into the living room (stop for a few minutes), then at the commercial – down to the end of the hall for a “pit stop”. After your “pit stop” go back to the kitchen for a refill, return to the living room and you have completed your “lap”. The number of laps you do depends on how many commercials there are during the race. Sort of like your very own “Pepsi/Coca-Cola/Budweiser 100.”
Come to think of it, I guess NASCAR fans are HEAVY DRINKERS! Watch for the next NASCAR article. "Why does Viagra sponsor a race car?" (Are NASCAR fans imp...(Watch what you are thinking!)....important? ______________________
Click below on the Nascar.com link for a special message from the drivers to our troops!
The link on the left hand side will take you directly to the front page of Nascar. Thanks!
|
| SouthernHawk is our first of many Guest Sports Columnists. If you are interested in having your words grace this thread, please FReepmail our Canteen Sports Editor, MoJo2001. The links are provided on the left hand side. Also, please send along comments regarding this column to SouthernHawk by using the "Guest FM" or "Contact Us" links. |
|
 |
In ancient Japan, public contests were held to see who in a town could fart the loudest and longest. Winners were awarded many prizes and received great recognition. (Tell that to your parents next time they tell you not to let one rip in public.)
You might think a yo-yo is just a fun toy. But it started out as a weapon in the Philippine Islands in the 16th century. It weighed four pounds and had a 20 foot cord. It was introduced to the United States as a toy in 1929.
_____________________________________
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management get together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
(Click here for the link!) ________________________________
Sports Quotes
"Don't cut off your nose yourself." Casey Stengel, famed manager of the NY Yankees and Mets
"Gil Hodges is so strong he could snap your ear brows off." Casey Stengel, famed manager of the NY Yankees and Mets "If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say." NY Islanders goaltender Chico Resch "Lead us in a few words of silent prayer." ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson "They gave me a standing observation." ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson "Half this game is ninety percent mental." Danny Ozark, manager of the Philadelphia Phillies "Now Juantorena opens his legs-and really shows his class." David Coleman, broadcaster at the 1976 Montreal Olympics "I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio." President Gerald Ford "They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe." Padres announcer Jerry Coleman "I called the doctor and he told me that the contraptions were an hour apart." Mackey Sasser, NY Mets catcher, on his wife's labor "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." Barry Beck, NY Rangers on who started a brawl during the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs "We are experiencing audio technicalities." Ralph Kliner, announcer for the NY Mets "Mike Andrews' limits are limitless." Danny Ozark, manager of the Philadelphia Phillies, about one of his players "I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four." Yogi Berra, explaining what he does before night games
|
| Charles Barkeley: "Of course I'm important. You wouldn't ask me such a stupid question if I wasn't." |
| |
| ASK MA
Welcome to Ask Ma! This is where you can interact with Ma and ask her life's most important questions. This is especially true if you are an athlete, coach, or wannabe. If you happen to have a stressful life and need to tell someone, ask Ma!
_____________________________________
Dear Ma,
What can someone like myself do to support our troops? Is there anything that a rich, good looking, available, and hardworking young man can do for such heroes? Please let me know.
Sincerely,
A Humble Athlete _________________________________________ Dear Humble Athlete,
Stop The Presses!
Is there such a thing as a humble athlete? If so, then I should stop writing "Ask Ma" columns. Each week I wade through the letters of malcontents and ego driven athletes. Today I am stunned that someone has actually taken Ma's advice and written. Thank you. Mankind might be useful after all. Let's see. I will have to think about what you can do for our troops.
First, please show support for our troops. If you happen to see an egotistical athlete claiming that "WAR IS BAD" please knock them upside the head. No one truly jumps up and down for wars except for Geraldo Rivera. He's the only one. Remind them that the person most likely to wish there was no war would be a soldier. Not some show off athlete with little understanding in the world. This brings me to my second point.
Why on Earth do athletes feel this need to speak when a microphone is around? Sometimes silence is golden. Being quiet is a difficult discipline amongst your set. Perhaps a little more humility and respect can be shown on Ma's television screen. Keep that in mind.
If we don't want to hear from an athlete on world opinions or social issues, then we most certainly don't want to hear from their mamas or relatives. (Are you hearing me, Mrs. Iverson?) Honestly, if your child is a moron than you probably are as well. We don't care what you think. We don't want to know what kind of food your child ate when he was younger. The nerve of some of these athletes family members to give parenting advice is beyond me. They are lucky to have a child gifted in athletics. We just don't want to be reminded of it every time we turn on television screen. We don't want to know.
If you want to show the troops something exciting on television, how about the Hooters girls or a check with their name on it for a million dollars? That would cheer up any of our lonely soldiers. Showing your mama in some gaudy Gucci/Nike clothing combination doesn't do it for most people. Why traumatize the world with your mama's lack of taste. (Just because you have money doesn't mean you have any class, as we've seen on numerous occasions.) So? Please stop showing your mamas.
Instead of buying another mansion for a mistress or buying another sports car that you won't drive, how about buying necessary items for our troops. Purchase things like eye drops, tissues, socks, reading material, or a card saying "Thank You". (Remember not to send porno as a "reading material" because we don't want to offend males from other parts of the world. Of course, they wouldn't look at naked women. Right?) A little less spending on yourselves and a little more on our troops would most certainly show some support and respect.
If you think your pampered wife needs another diamond, may I suggest something else? Why not sponsor a party at a military installation for the families of our troops currently deployed. A little thank you to the family members for their sacrifice could go a long way to provide much needed morale and a boost to our brave heroes. (Free and paid by you is the only way to do it.)
Posing with our troops or saying "I support the troops" is equivalent to saying "My agent thought this would be good to show the divorce judge that I'm a caring person". Don't do it! Find out where our troops are located and see if there are any organizations visiting the area. Perhaps if you are so famous, the Pentagon may allow you to go by yourself. By all means bring your friends. What else do they have to do in the off season? Spend money and cheat on you with your wife? No! Keep them busy by planning tours for our troops to see you.
Most important, you shouldn't consider yourself the "star" when you visit our troops. You should see yourself as most people see you. You are a pampered and overpaid crybaby. Allow yourself to be inspired by the selflessness and courage of our brave men and women. Bring your teammates and learn the true meaning of teamwork. Bring your family to appreciate how fortunate you are to see them everyday. While you are at it, bring your heart and be prepared to be truly humbled by their sacrifices. For when you do that, you will truly become a humbled athlete. For that, we would all be truly grateful.
Say your prayers and pray for our brave heroes. Ask God to shelter them from danger and to feel the love from this grateful country. Don't waste His time asking whether or not your wife will find out about another Bimbo. He has better things to do. So do our troops.
Ever useful,
Ma |
|
|
