Posted on 06/06/2003 7:55:04 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1
OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!
The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Rules for Women to Live By
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
The #1 reason dancing is so sensuous; and why guys who don't learn to dance are foolish.
Hear, hear! And the internet...a supermall at your fingertips!
...And standing in line....and walking past perfume counters (HACK HACK, **SNEEEEEEEZE**, COUGH COUGH!!)
Heck, I won't even go to the grocery store now.
I write a list and send one of my kids. They live in town. :)
Possible latent homosexuality issue.
(And yes, I was kidding)
Red
FOFLOL...you are DEFINITELY a member of the club!
Oh, kudos to Martha for her business acumen (her current situation notwithstading), but I personally have never been an artsy-crafty type, don't watch HGTV or the Cooking Channel so Martha's stuff just never appealed to me.
I can cook a fine meal when necessary and my home is decorated nicely (by yours truly), but I just don't go overboard about that stuff.
National Organization for the Disdain for Shopping.
Proud to be a member of such a worthy group! :)
Overhyped, and TOTALLY tacky. Wouldn't be caught DEAD with a Martha Stewart-style home 'decoration' polluting my house, and have a low opinion of those who consider such crap 'tasteful'.
Red
LOL...this hit home. I just came back from the mall with my wife. She apparantly doesn't have anything (new) to wear to church tomorrow. I think this is the third week in a row...grrrr!
Red
I did this just once and it took twice as long as it should have. I mean, who needs to look at everything in the store??? YEESH!!
I buy what I need and get out. A long-ago boyfriend of mine once told me (beaming with pride) "You shop like a guy."
I'm an artsy craftsy type: crochet, knitting, woodwork, sort-of-kind-of tol painting (of a sort)...Martha's stuff is just gross.
Reminds me of a Sylvestor Stallone/Wesley Snipes movie...can't remember the name of it...Stallone's a cop, cryogenically frozen for a crime he didn't commit (of course); Snipes is a crook, cryogenically frozen for a crime he DID commit, and programmed with all sorts of special knowledge so when they both wake up in the future, Stallone is tortured by a PC-ified culture that has 'shells' for toilet paper, nothing for music but commercial jingles, citations for 'offensive language' and knitting, while Snipes has learned all of this stuff to make him a super crook and totally dominate....it was the PC-ified future that I remember most....
That's the only description I can think of for Martha's world.
Anyone else remember that movie?? And the TITLE??
Oh man...been there, done that...sympathy pains back...
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