'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[DeathfromBelow]

So dump his ass and move on. If he is spending hours avoiding the kids, and every Sat 8 hours w/ a band that has never played a gig. Maybe is is getting it somewhere else, a marriage is a partnership not a one way street.

[wordsofearnest]

Sometimes you get both and sometimes you get neither.

[goodnesswins]

I forgot to say....People CAN change, IF they WANT to....

[RMDupree]

As long as there is love, DFB, the relationship is worth saving.

I do not believe for a second he is getting it somewhere else or he wouldn't be nagging me! *wink*

He does do a lot of internet surfing in "those" kind of websites though.

[Dan(9698)]

>>>...Sorry. Is NEVER going to happen.

If that is your attitude, you probably hear the same from her.

If golf is more important than sex, you already have the perfect marriage.

We make our choices.

[Phantom Lord]

So I go a week without sex while I am on my golf vacation. Big Deal!

She is not invited to come. She is not allowed to come. And she will NEVER be allowed or invited to come. Period. End of story.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

[Utilizer]

My ex-sister-in-law has never remarried (no one out there is as unlucky/dumb as my brother was, apparently), but gee whiz, I'm starting to think she has a secret twin. Your tale of woe is eerily similar to his, except that he had two boys he cared for nearly single-handedly.

LOL! My thanks, but I did not post it as a 'tale of woe', but simply to point out a couple of things, first that while you may have your problems there is undoubtedly someone out there who has it worse -of course, 'worse' being entirely subjective, and second that not every man out there is a cad.

[goodnesswins]

LOVE is coming home to be with your kids, after work.
LOVE is helping your wife with the chores.
LOVE is NOT spending a "lot of internet surfing in 'those' kind of websites."

Hate to say it sweetie, but you're starting to sound like what you described your mother to be in a previous post....you do everything....and then.....? Just my observations from your posts....Good luck. YOU deserve better. You don't sound like the evil beeaaiitchh some women seem to want to be. Just sounds like original family issues are playing out....IMHO....:>)

[RMDupree]

I guess I keep hoping that love conquers all and we've been through soooo much together for sooo many years, it just doesn't seem right to give up.

I'm no angel and that's a fact. I have a temper and I do get irritated when he sighs heavily after I ask him to do something. Sometimes I think I should just ignore his poor attitude and be grateful for however little he does do, but it's easier said than done.

Add to that, how on earth am I supposed to find him physically appealing if his actions are such a turn-off?

[varon]

What about when her idea of foreplay is a two and a half hour swedish massage?

Would the mood last till she got home?

[DeathfromBelow]

You are married to the wrong person, but I prefer to do the lawn, wife mows, I have more hours trimming than if I mow, and I don't like trimming grass.

[Dan(9698)]

>>>And there is nothing wrong with that.

You don't have a marriage, you have a business relationship.

It sounds like most of the time she isn't selling for the price you want to pay.

When you are willing to pay the price required, you have a deal.

As I said, you already have the perfect marriage.

As long as anything is more important to each of you it will remain that way.

Again, you make your choices, and get what you choose.

[DeathfromBelow]

I hope you did before you left. lol

[DeathfromBelow]

It is a start, maybe next time a movie and meal would be nice too. But he needs to know if things don't change. There is an alternative. and, it is never pleasant.

[Utilizer]

Reading your post was almost like reading my own story.

Glad you could relate. I think far too often the majority of people tend to think of the 'unhappy marriage' as the typical wife-does-everything-hubby-watches-telly situation. In reality, it is very difficult for a man to admit that he is both the breadwinner and househubby -and being constantly subjected to harassment by the wife at the same time. No one wishes to admit being trampled upon, let alone that it is occurring to the point that the sex life / intimacy are inconsequential or nonexistant. Sometimes loving her beyond reason, or loving the children enough to sacrifice your life that they may have one, is a price we accept for their benefit and happiness. It seems odd, does it not, that in all these threads people consistantly advocate for the woman getting out of a relationship when the man treats her in this manner, but we males instinctively realize that in the dissolution of this type of relationship in our cases, we stand to lose quite a bit more than a female would given the identical circumstance. Probably lose all.

[Utilizer]

My advice...please don't take utlizer's advice and tell Mrs. Delbert that she appearance isn't what it used to be (she already knows and is her own worst critic); and that this is causing a problem in your relationship.

H'lo, P-Mom. I think My suggestion was to gently and discreetly attempt to find a way in which to generate some interest on her part in participating in some non-sedentary activities which might help her to deal with her increasing 'presence'. Other comments as to how to go about that are certainly valid as well. My recommending a discreet mention of her increasing disregard for herself and probably the relationship was stated as a last-resort option. I well know how sensitive someone can be about their appearance / weight gain; I went through it Myself on a couple of occasions.

I also stated that no one can force you to improve you body, you have to WANT to do it. By far the greatest results I ever achieved in My life were when I wanted something and gave Myself no excuses not to achive it. If you want to improve your physique, no one is going to be pointing a firearm at you or citing a 'law' as to why it can not be done. If you want it badly enough, you CAN achieve it.

[judicial meanz]

I hope you dont mind if I jump in and give some advice.

I've been following this thread, at first because of the humor, and now because of the real life issues it covers.

RM, when a man agrees to be married, or asks a woman to marry him, he is accepting the fact that he has to put his childhood out to pasture and take on the mans role in marriage. What we want or what we desire as men is secondary to the needs of the wife or children.

We are now responsible for the lives and welfare of others who believe in us, and we cant allow our personal pursuits to interfere or even pre-empt our family duties. We cant be the center of attention, even if we want to be all the time, and we cant have it all our way. This doesnt mean we cant aggressively pursue carer goals or things that make the family more secure, because all people, men and women deserve to fulfill their destiny.

This doesnt mean we( men and women) cant have fun, and continue to pursue hobbies or whatever, but we have to do it on our own time, not on family time. We also have a duty to support our family and a duty to maintain stability in the family, economically and emotionally. Its the hardest job in the world, to be honest, and not everyone does it well.

Some men cant grow up, and some refuse to do so, while others decide they want to keep pursuing women while they are married. They opt out of doing it right, and settle for a short term solution that will eventually erupt into a calamity and kill the marriage if they dont wake up to that fact.

Some grow up while they are married, and some are already grown up coming into it. They learn the proper things, and become good husbands and fathers.

That being said, maybe its time he learned to grow up and accept his responsibility as a huband and father, be less self centered, and give more to his family. Life isnt a perpetual tour of your teenage glory days and garage bands. Momma wont be there forever. He needs to recognize the fact that his wife and children are his primary family, and he is responsible for their well being and comfort above all else.

Hope that helps.

[judicial meanz]

You are a good guy utilizer with a lot of wisdom. I dont doubt for one second soe lucky woman wil notice that!

[malakhi]

I am fortunate enough to have my mother care for the kids! :)

That's great, much better than having them watched by strangers.

[wardaddy]

Hmmmm.

I can assure you as I age...that 10 bucks will seem like a bargain by my perspective...lol