'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

A few bucks on the pillow might help. Or is that too crude?

I don't know..... what do you charge? lol

[ricpic]

"...what do you charge?"

No charge. Free. And easy. Takers? Anyone? Hello? Hello out there?

[carlo3b]

So great to meet a colleague,...
Gourmet cooking classes.. how terrific for those who can take them with you, it will change their lives..

Old chefs never die, they just............ Fritter away... ha!
 

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

ROFL....... You need to learn the principles of Supply and Demand.....

[Chemist_Geek]

I think this is an important point that gets overlooked. There are some people who just don't like sex. That's their sexuality, asexual. Just like a person is heterosexual or homosexual, some are asexual (and not only women). That is the sexuality they are comfortable with.

Unfortunately, that's every one of the three women (in 15 years) I've dated... Or is it me..?

[Baseballguy]

I have come to a conclusion: Marry for money or sex.

[Chemist_Geek]

To have a spouse that doesn't put out and/or gets fat, is probably a lot more frustrating than not being married at all. At least the single guy has some hope.

I disagee; as I noted in my earlier tagline, I've been single since 2000. It's vastly more frustrating living alone, without even sexless companionship, than to live in a sexless marriage.

See, at least in there, the marriage itself has shown some worth... Being single and regularly shot down does wonders for one's self-opinion.

Of course, marriage isn't a non-stop sex-fest... there are situations such as illness, pregnancy, etc, that slow it down or even put it on hold for a while. But that's quite different from withholding it for no valid reason. A "DOS" (denial of sex) attack is one of the most effective ways to sabotage a marriage.

Right; the view of marriage as a sex fest is a rather childish one. However, it's everything else which is supposed to come with a marriage - the companionship, the support (Two Together Against The World!), having someone to focus one's efforts on, and so forth - which make it such a desireable state. That, and having, in Homer Simpson's words, "(someone who) is contractually obbligated to like me!" ;-)

[judicial meanz]

Reading your post was almost like reading my own story.

I cant go into details because I have to guard my privacy jealously, but there were many of the same and some worse problems I had to face in my marriage. Hers revolved around mental illness that onset around 37 years of age.

I had to make the decision to stay. My two kids having a chance in life meant more to me than finding another woman, so I dropped back from a promising career in law, jumped into lesser pay with the family business, and semi retired to take care of my children without relying on some babysitter to teach them life values.

[Lee'sGhost]

"Cowardice, too, I suppose. And societal shame at my failure."

IF -- and I highly stress IF -- your marriage is a living hell and cannot or is not worth saving then -- and only then -- should the cowardice and shame aspects be relevent.

I think the first can be solved by addressing the second. You only have one life to live, one chance to find happiness. When it's all said and done you don't get to say, "Gee, I stuck that out too long for no good reason and never really enjoyed my adult life. Think I'll go back and do over." In other words, how could other people's opinion matter half as much as your own fulfillment in life. It's your life, not theirs. If they are worthy of having their opinion matter to you, they will understand. If they don't get it, who cares. Are they gonna come and grant you a "do over" on judgement day? I don't think so.

Now, if you take all that to heart it should give you courage. Won't make it easy, but important things in life rarely are.

Best of luck.

[Aquinasfan]

How come men are expected to help with the laundry but women aren't supposed to help with the lawn? Have you ever heard a guy complain that his wife doesn't help him mow the lawn? Or clean the gutters? Or clean the basement? Or help with the renovations?

Just thought it was time to open another can of worms 8-)

[Lee'sGhost]

"But go right ahead and demand obligation sex if that's the only kind you can get. "


Woooooo. That was below the belt. (snort, sorry, couldn't resist) Doesn't sound like much fun to me, either. But I have noticed that there are some men who really don't seem to care.

[Lee'sGhost]

"Are you my ex-husband? When did you move to Florida? "

LOL! This thread has some great one liners.

[mwl1]

What I would give to have a husband who wouldn't sigh heavily every time I asked him to hold the baby so I could... go to the bathroom, cook dinner, run the bath water, etc. I also work full-time. When I say I am dead tired, I mean fall-asleep-on-your-feet tired.

Please tell your lazy, brain-dead husband that this husband of 18 years of marriage with 2 teenage children does all the dishes every night; empties the dishwasher; all of the yardwork; painting; sweeping daily and scrubbing the kitchen floor; all of the ironing; wash windows; polish brass; changing of bed linens weekly; and numerous other chores. I don't get much sex from my wife, but I will be damned if she is stuck with a disproportionate amount of housework. Fair is fair.

[mwl1]

The secret to a happy marriage: For the husband to listen, really *listen* to the wife for at least 15 minutes a day. For the wife to have sex with the husband at least once a week. It seems pretty reasonable.

Agreed. Thanks for the counsel and advice.

[maxwell]

Gad. After all this, I ain't NEVER gettin' married.

Well to tell the truth, your situation don't sound so bad, dude... (Actually it sounds downright peachy.) Everybody else is enough to make me high-tail it for the hills though.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

I didn't read the entire thread yet...but wanted to reply to your post, Delbert (and your reply, utilizer)...

It sounds to me like Mrs. Delbert is suffering from a from of depression. There are a myriad of reasons for depression--is she otherwise lathargic? Sleeps alot more or alot less? Have you just had a baby? Is infertility a problem? Could she be in the early stages (perimenopause) or in menopause? She might be using food as a 'feel good' substitute. Overeating can be a addictive of a feeling as a drug...but more accessible, and (somewhat) socially acceptable.

My advice...please don't take utlizer's advice and tell Mrs. Delbert that she appearance isn't what it used to be (she already knows and is her own worst critic); and that this is causing a problem in your relationship. Would you love her less if she lost a breast to cancer? Help her find what is 'eating at her' that has made her think less of herself...even to the point of suggesting that she talk w/her doctor during her next physical. Depression is a real illness.

[wordsofearnest]

Jewish foreplay-three hours of begging.

[MikeD]

I didn't read "HNHN," but I read one of Harley's later books. I couldn't get around the whole "depositing in love banks" bit -- it seemed too much like nitpicky accounting. I do, however, like "The Five Love Languages."

MD

[webstersII]

"Any ideas? Hard for me to just come out and say it, she cries at the drop of a hat. : ("

Most people are optimistic and at least fairly excited about the future when they are young. Once they get in their 30's they start to lose that enthusiasm because they are approaching middle age. It doesn't just happen to men, it happens to women, also.

If your spouse is not excited about something in life, if she doesn't have anything to look forward to (and I'm not just talking about being a Mommy and getting joy through her children) then she will find it hard to get fired up about changing herself. It may be something as simple as planning a nice trip somewhere that would give her something to look forward to. Find something that works for her and gets her excited again.

Also, mix in a dose of lousy self-esteem about her looks and alot of women just give up because they think it's no use, they will never be attractive. You have to find some ways to help her get some hope.