'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Woahhs]

I am talking about things that are both of our responsibility, Woahhs. The kids, the house, the chores, etc.

I understand, but who gets to define what's enough? As someone said earlier...sex is more important to the marriage than many of those self-imposed chores. If you are anything like 99% of the women I know, you want to say what's enough, and expect him to help you achieve that "enough."

[Little Bill]

Why marry, do the bar scene, if your husband doesn't do it for you, go to the meat rack, he is cool great abs, nice buns.

Marrage is a commitment, it takes two, sex is part of it, if you don't like sex, buy a cat, they don't require a relationship.

[omegatoo]

Are you my ex-husband? When did you move to Florida?
O2

[goodnesswins]

I believe when a woman gets really overweight after marriage there is much more going on than just the eating....and I'm not saying it's your fault...you seem like a caring man...just that people eat for LOTS of reasons. And, exercise has to be a habit like brushing your teeth....until people approach it that way, unless they are naturally inclined, they won't exercise. Find something your wife absolutely loves....and while making it clear you LOVE HER MADLY, use it (weekly 2 hours on her own, whatever) to get her exercising FIRST....then maybe you can figure out the food issue. (A family background (emotional, not physical) can have a lot to do with it.) Lecture over.

[RMDupree]

The definition of enough is easy enough to see.

While I wash the dishes, it would be nice if he got the bath water ready. While I bathe the kids, it would be nice if he got their pajamas out. So on and so forth.

I could never feel comfortable sitting around watching TV while he was busting his butt doing everything around the house.

We both work full time jobs and he gets out at 2pm, as I said before. He goes to his mom's to wait until I get home so he doesn't have to deal with kids, etc until I'm already there to tackle the work.

[Woahhs]

To a woman sex is not just an activity. It is soul-sharing, total immersion of herself into her mate.

No it is not. The fact you regard it as such does not make it so.

This is no more justification than Bride-zillas give when they screech "but its my wedding" like it means the entire universe is suppose to bow to their whims.

[RMDupree]

LOL!

[TaxRelief]

Reeses, are you suggesting smart women would choose to work in an office rather than take it easy at home with the kids while someone else deals with the daily grind?

You have it wrong, Reeses, the women with the highest IQ's have kids and stay home with them, simply because they are smart enough to know that life is supposed to be fun. The highly-competitive-and-intelligent-but-definitely-not-genius women are the ones that choose careers over kids, just like they chose the high-stress path of getting straight A's through hard work. And while the career bound girls sacrificed their social lives for a career, the naturally brilliant ones just breezed through, happy to settle for an occasional B or two rather than miss an exciting party, concert or event. Let me help you figure out who the brilliant ones were: Think back to the girls that were always relaxed and having fun and never seemed to have to do much to pull an "A". Remember them?

Reeses, were you one of those guys who thought the girls who didn't seem to do any work but always got "A"'s must have been sleeping with the teacher? Shame on you. You were wrong.

The lesson of the day is: Pure genius is as subtle as it is smart.

[Woahhs]

The definition of enough is easy enough to see.

No it isn't. That's my point.

That being said: I'm not saying your particular husband isn't being a weenie.

[omegatoo]

Oh, in that case, I stand corrected. You obviously are omnipotent. You know how women and men feel about everything, and how they should act and react in all situations. Since you say it is so, it must be so. There's no point in discussing things any further since you are right about everything.

O2

P.S. I need to talk to you about that last child support check, it bounced.

[RMDupree]

Well, it's late and I've got to get to bed. I appreciate the discussion, so I'll try to explain myself a bit better.

How about this for a direct definition...

If I am still up getting things done, he should be up getting things done. Neither of us sits down to unwind until BOTH of us can sit down and unwind.

Is that unfair?

[Woahhs]

Are you my ex-husband?

No. My wife recognizes the need to respect maleness as much as she expects femaleness to be respected, so we don't have ex-spouses.

[RMDupree]

Good night omegatoo. Please know that your words were a source of comfort to me.

Thank you!

[TaxRelief]

Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you?

"Consent and fake it" would be more accurate. Why on earth would you pull the martyr routine "Oh, well I guess I'll do it to make you happy"? Why even bother giving if you can't bring yourself to give enthusiastically, even if it is only enthusiasm over the actual act of giving?

[kmiller1k]

umm, just bookmarking for later reading...

[Woahhs]

Do you always retreat to idiotic hyperbole when stomping you feet and screeching pontifications doesn't work?

[omegatoo]

I only retreat to hyperbole when dealing with pontificating idiots.
O2

[Nita Nupress]

Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you?
I don't understand that. I can't imagine getting aroused to have sex with someone I knew didn't want sex. What fun is that? To me a big part of the appeal of sex is the enthusiasm. If if "oh well I guess I'll do it to make you happy", what's the point?

More than any reply on this thread, this one summarizes the main difference between men and women when it comes to sex.  The very word "sex" conjures up two entirely different meanings and interpretations to us. Unless both spouses understand this and strive to be selfless in their marriage (vs. selfish, as in "What will I get out of this?"), there will be problems.

For anyone reading this thread who really wants to improve their marriage, here's some advice.  It's free, so take it for what it's worth. And if you read this and think, "Yeah! This is what my spouse needs to know," then forget it.  Save your money and spend it on a porn magazine or a dildo.  On the other hand, if you can bring yourself to think, "Wow, maybe this is what we need," then it may just help your marriage.  It did mine, but it took efforts on both of our parts (pun intended :).

(BTW, this isn't addressed to anyone in particular). Go to your local bookstore and buy a book by William Harley, Jr. called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage."  I don't know the man; I just know it has helped my own marriage and the marriage of couples we know.  (It was used in a Sunday School class we were in.)

Bring the book home and ask your spouse if he/she would like to improve your marriage.  After he/she says "yes" (hopefully), pull out the book and make a plan to read it.  Together. And with an open mind!  Here are some of the chapters in the book:

• The First Thing She Can't Do Without -- Affection
• The First Thing He Can't Do Without -- Sexual Fulfillment
• She Needs Him to Talk to Her -- Conversation
• He Needs Her to Be His Playmate -- Recreational Companionship
• She Needs to Trust Him Totally -- Honesty and Openness
• He Needs a Good-Looking Wife -- An Attractive Spouse
• She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably -- Financial Support
• He Needs Peace and Quiet -- Domestic Support
• She Needs Him to Be a Good Father -- Family Commitment
• He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him -- Admiration
• Appendix A: The Most Important Emotional Needs
• Appendix B: Emotional Needs Questionnaire

It takes two, not just one.  I've been in a marriage where I was the only one willing to work at it -- it's no fun.  My experience has been that if your spouse isn't willing to work at it with you, either by going to a qualified (emphasis on "qualified") marriage counselor or by reading self-help books together, well... good luck to you and I wish you all the best. 

[Nita Nupress]

I have always heard the word "sex" as though it is seperate from the other elements of a human like the spirit and the emotions. I don't know why it must be. I believe it is made by God to bond a man and a woman and it is fueled by passion and all the things which take place when sex is not occurring. When two people have a lot of respect, trust and a great closesness and tenderness, they come together as one because it is a desire. They may procreate or may not. But if not, they at least delighted in the closeness and expression of it and by all means it is beautiful. If something has halted that desire, then it is important to find out what that is so that the two people can continue this bonding.

You majored in the Arts, didn't you? ;-)

[goodnesswins]

YEP...it's a great book..."His Needs, Her Needs"...my husband and I read it about 15 years ago. Then I gave it to a young acquaintance who was having problems in her marriage...it's something all marriage counselors should start with....would save LOTS of money for "couples therapy."