'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[ohioWfan]

John Piper of Bethlehem Baptist in Minneapolis??

Now THERE'S a man of God who knows what he's talking about!

And I agree completely with what he says. When your goal is to please your spouse, your pleasure is increased immeasurably.

[RMDupree]

Your post brought tears to my eyes!

This thread is great therapy for me. I wish my hubby was a FReeper!

[sheikdetailfeather]

I have always heard the word "sex" as though it is seperate from the other elements of a human like the spirit and the emotions. I don't know why it must be. I believe it is made by God to bond a man and a woman and it is fueled by passion and all the things which take place when sex is not occurring. When two people have a lot of respect, trust and a great closesness and tenderness, they come together as one because it is a desire. They may procreate or may not. But if not, they at least delighted in the closeness and expression of it and by all means it is beautiful. If something has halted that desire, then it is important to find out what that is so that the two people can continue this bonding.

[Lorianne]

I'm asking this question to you and to all the men. Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you?

I don't understand that. I can't imagine getting aroused to have sex with someone I knew didn't want sex. What fun is that? To me a big part of the appeal of sex is the enthusiasm. If if "oh well I guess I'll do it to make you happy", what's the point?

[Lorianne]

So true.

[Woahhs]

I want so badly to reclaim what we once had, but I cannot do it without his help. But he doesn't want to help me until he can reclaim what we once had. :(

Been there...who goes first. But remember, if you go first, he can't argue you aren't holding up your end. If you ask him to go first, he knows his efforts are largely subject to YOUR interpretation.

How is a man suppose to dispute something like "it feels like you're not even here?"

[judicial meanz]

Question

"I'm asking this question to you and to all the men. Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you?"

Answer:

I wouldnt want to have sex with any woman who didnt want to have sex with me, and believe it or not, I would even turn down a woman for sex if the reverse was in effect and I didnt want to consent to sex with her.

Not all men are sex starved and jump on peoples legs when we dont get it. Some of us have class.

[omegatoo]

It's a Mars/Venus thing. Men think sex=love, and if you won't have sex with them you don't love them. Women need to know they are loved outside of sex. Therefore, no sex=love. Unfortunately, I don't think many men understand how to be intimate without having sex. Also unfortunately, I discovered the nature of the problem but was not able to come up with a solution soon enough to save my marriage, so you might want to be careful taking advice from me.
;^P
Seriously, though, if you haven't read the Mars/Venus books, you and your husband should. They are very good at helping you identify communications problems, and hopefully you will make it to the solutions.
O2

[RMDupree]

It's that I have gone first and doted on him continuously to see if he would naturally respond in kind, but he interpreted my cheerful disposition and open affection as a sign that all was well and thus, didn't think he needed to do anything different than he had been.

[Rightly Biased]

What planet is that from?

Earth? that passage written about two-thousand years ago by a wise man named Paul.

Sorry, But that is a bunch of horse s**t.

You don't have to apologize for a lack of knowledge on the subject but one should become more informed on a subject before one lashes out. Your reaction is very...well... liberal or democratic=(dashellesk) .

Also of note if you and yours would try the afore mentioned passage in #29 you might find it works

Regards RB

[RMDupree]

It's tough to put youself in the other person's shoes, but I honestly understand why he feels the way he does and I am honestly not trying to punish him by not being with him. It's just a combination of fatigue/disappointment/resentment that drives sex to the bottom of my priorities.

[Woahhs]

If you do those things consistently, sincerely, without in any way hinting that you want sex, you might just get her to begin to believe that you still love her, for herself, not just for sex. And that is the only way to enable her to give herself fully to you again.

A man's testicles are not subject to "visitation rights." If you can't bend over backwards for him and his sexuality, (for him: not his kids, house, laundry, etc...) don't expect a man to show anything but contempt for your "advice."

[Woahhs]

Seriously, though, if you haven't read the Mars/Venus books, you and your husband should. They are very good at helping you identify communications problems, and hopefully you will make it to the solutions.

Yeah...best book in the world for a man that wants to learn how to be his wife's best girlfriend.

[omegatoo]

If a man is not willing to bend over backwards to give his wife what she needs, don't expect her to have anything but contempt for his demands.
O2

[Woahhs]

But did you have enthusiastic sex with him?

[ReaganCowboy]

Because men don't marry their sisters! And your husband isn't your brother!

Sex is part and parcel of the marriage contract. Both sides owe it to their partner to meet each other's needs, in all things, including sex!

And contrary to popular misconception, wedding cake need not be an anti-aphrodisiac!

I don't plan on golfing every weekend, because my wife is going to need me to do something for her. (I literally have no hobbies, in order to provide time to her and our children.) I likewise expect and appreciate it when she realizes that she needs to make some time for me, for physical and emotional loving.

Is it always like that? No, sometimes I'm a reluctant house-husband for her, and sometimes she's not exactly brimming with desire. Bbut more often than not we are happy (and happier) to meet each others needs.

And lastly, frankly the worst sex any man every had was still pretty wonderful!

[RMDupree]

As enthusiastic as possible with kids in the next room! *wink*

It's not that I don't like it, but there has to be certain emotional connection for it to be any good and to get me interested in the first place.

[Woahhs]

The short answer to your question is there aren't any other options. When women are denied sex, their drive slows down. When men are denied sex, their drive gets worse...and honest, faithful husbands get pissed.

[RMDupree]

It's definitely a 2 way street, but I'm tired of doing all of the driving.

I need some inspiration! Please! Just a teeny tiny bit!

[Lorianne]

I don't belive in obligatory sex. What's the point? If your sex partner would rather not be doing it, that's considered "pretty wonderful" sex? I bet the woman doesn't think so.

No it can't always be breathtakingly wonderful, but sex at a minimum has to have interest and some desire to it. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who is only doing it out of obligation without any real sexual desire? Sorry, doesn't add up to me.