'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Delbert]

Thanks, my sister is due in June and still teaches her aerobics class, although somewhat at a lower level. She will be back in shape by the end of July. She eats to live, doesn't live to eat.

[SouthParkRepublican]

”It's a matter of sex drive, or lack of it.”

If lack of sex drive is occurring with a young married couple something is either physically or mentally wrong with either one or both of them. I would recommend seeing a doctor.

Quick fixes like mine are only a minor adjustment in which a person has to change their entire lifestyle. There is nothing easy about it.

[windcliff]

ping

[Scothia]

No because of your attitude and how hostile you got by using capital letters and exclamation points.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I never use capital letters and exclamation points, unless they are grammatically called for.

[Tunehead54]

Oh oh. I'm a lapsed Catholic. My wife had her tubes tied after #3 - large babies each time - she suffered from gestational diabetes despite exercise, diet, etc.

If we'd been in the wild west there'd likely have been a big cross and a little cross next to it. Thank goodness for modern medicine and C-Sections.

---

Now that I think of it - we've probably crossed church boundaries as we're still enjoying each other with no possibility of procreation? This may be one (of many) aspects of religion that explains why I believe in G-D but do not go to church.

[cake_crumb]

Regardless of your opinion on whether any normal women can 'blimp out' after giving birth, it happens. Post natal depression is a real disorder. Though oversold to the public, it IS real. In addition, the in some women, their hormones go haywire and can stay that way for a couple of years. Chronic exhaustion increases depression.

How long ago did she have your child? Marriage is a two way street. The husband spending all his time at work and the gym while his wife stays home alone with the baby, with no physical or emotional support from the husband doesn't sound like a good way to show love. I'm not accusing you of doing this....but how does your WIFE feel about it?

[luckystarmom]

"If one spouse suddenly starts getting in shape, it may be indicitive of deep problems."

Hey, I just starting getting in shape. Please don't tell me it is because of deep problems.

I think it had more with turning 40. I was tired of looking like an old stuffy mom. First, I died my hair back to what it looked like when I was in my 20's. Then, I lost 15 pounds and weigh what I weighed when my hubby and I got married.

I also had other motives for getting in shape. One of my daughters was putting on too much weight from eating too much junk food. I thought our whole family needed to eat healthier. I think we are, and I've lost weight in the process.

[Delbert]

She is in great shape, It may not be absolutely 0%. She has no fat. She looks great, well toned physique. And there is nothing wrong with some "hip action" especially after having humans. 5'5" and 118lbs sounds pretty damned good to me. And stretch marks are badges of honor. Its when you get up around 40pounds overweight, and 40 turns into 50 and 50 turns into 60 pounds overweight. It is not pretty , especially nekkid. And I dont mean to offend people. If both partners are gaining weight at a rapid rate and are happy with it, more power to them. But if one person is trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, a well toned physique and the other is digging bluebell out of the bucket with a large spoon, it is unfortunate. I dont like the stick figure physique anyway. Height/weight proportionate is great.

[SouthParkRepublican]

”I don't mean that we should let ourselves go to hell

The problem is that so many people do exactly that. They don’t even try to keep themselves up. There’s no reason to expect that someone should be in the same shape at 40 as they were at 25 but nonetheless should not just give up on the idea that they can be fit. And then the big problem; How to say “Gee honey, you gotta lay of the Ho-Ho’s or I’ll have to install a bench seat in your car” without having to sleep in yours indefinitely.

[watchin]

It's hard to get in the mood when you've just cooked dinner, bathed kids, fed them, put them to bed, washed dishes and put away toys - just to walk into the bedroom and be jumped on the minute your tired butt lands on the bed!

And when he does all of those things? On a regular basis? "I feel sick, I have a headache, I'm too tired, it's too cold, it's too hot, the kids will hear us, I'm not in the mood, maybe in the morning, it's too late, it's too early ..."

I think too many women use sex, or the promise of sex, to hook a man. After the "I do's", they're finished.

I've actually heard a woman say, "I thought sex was for getting a boyfriend, I never thought about it being used to keep a husband."

How pathetic that some women, because of a total lack of sex drive, can only see sex as a tool for manipulation, and miss the relationship aspect altogether.

[luckystarmom]

I just joined weight watchers a few months ago. Lost 15 pounds. Now, I weigh what I did when I got married.

It hasn't changed our sex life for the better or the worse.

[Scothia]

I just love how some men expect their women to look like Jennifer Aniston when they themselves don't exactly look like Brad Pitt.

[FourPeas]

There is a inverse relationship between a woman's intelligence and how many children she will probably have. Sources, please.

[Tunehead54]

3 whole days here and you're crapping on good people for no reason? By the way you missspelled it - your the looser.

---

Apologies are in order.

[Woahhs]

we get along great and have a pretty good marriage, just this one issue

Of course you get along great...and she's holding that hostage to ignore you on the issue you want addressed. As soon as you say something, out goes peace and tranquility.

My FRiend, this is what a temper tantrum looks like when thrown by an adult. She doesn't want to deal with it "for your sake" and doesn't want to admit her own selfishness, so she makes it impossible for you to approach the subject.

Problem solved...for her.

[cake_crumb]

"That's what I mean. Sex is great. But why build a life around it? I have sex and enjoy sex. I have been married and faithful to my wife since I was sixteen years old. We have been married 32 years. We have four kids. Sex must have played a part. But she is 50 now and I am going to be 49 next month. We love each other. We don't have to have sex to show it. It is a treat! Our respect and love transcends the need for genital contact. If I never had sex again, I could be satisfied. I love my wife and will never stop. She is my wife. Forever and ever. I agree that mariage is based on sex. That's what founds it. The delicious part is the maturity that is found in the years that follows. A man and a woman bonded so that they never want to be apart. A pair that share children. They share grandchildren. If sex guides your life, you are an idiot. You have lost out on the other 99.99% aspects that make it special. After all, you can do that by yourself. Loser."

I wasn't going to copy and paste that, but changed my mind because it needs to be repeated.

I'm assuming the last few sentences after 'If sex guides your life...' weren't addressed to me, because we're in agreement. Unfortunately, too many people our age and younger have been brainwashed into incredibly false expectations about what constitutes fulfullment : emotional, sexual...any kind. They want instant, complete gratification, and they want it NOW. Like the see on TV and the movies.

Therein lies the cause of 99 percent of our society's problems today.

[Delbert]

Our gym has a great nursery, after I work out I take our daughter 2yrs old over to the raquetball court and we play around with rolling the large exercise balls around etc..so my daughter loves to go up there. I have tried to get her interested...in subtle ways. I go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, never longer than an hour. And the gym is about 2 miles from my house. Being overweight and out of shape is as much a state of mind as it is a state of body. Damn, I Sure have ruffled some feathers here..... : (

[Scothia]

I love how you accused me of foisting my own opinion on Delbert and his marriage, when you seem to think you know all about it. Of course, I'm sure his wife really appreciates the comprehensive judgment, especially as to her motives. Why don't you just send them the therapy bill now?

My husband sure looks great to me after reading some of these posts. (Of course, he looks great to me anyway, and says I look great to him--no problem in that area after all these years!)

[watchin]

My girlfriends and I call it "Give it up and get it over with."

And with an attitude like that, you expect to have a doting husband who cares for your every need? You stare at the ceiling, while your caveman has his way, and then expect him to give you a kiss goodbye in the morning, or return your hug?

The typical man will have sex with someone like that, in spite of the insult, for a while. He'll swallow his pride, try harder to please her, hope and pretend. His physical needs are being met, but emotionally, she's killing him.

Eventually, he'll give up on her. Mark my words.

[Woahhs]

I just love how some men expect their women to look like Jennifer Aniston when they themselves don't exactly look like Brad Pitt.

Are you capable of an original thought? NO ONE on this thread has complained their spouse doesn't look like Fifi the love goddess. Make all the excuses you want, but how about leaving us out of it if you aren't even going to attend to what's written rather than looking for an opportunity to use your canned come-backs.