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Army	Navy	Marines	Air Force	Coast Guard	Canadian Military

Please post your military jokes AND your links and graphics about the military.

God Bless and Protect our military and our allies military.

Military Lurkers:
Feel free to e-mail me at seaside611@hotmail.com your ideas about what you would like to see in the Canteen.

FReepers please post your ideas on what you would like to see in the Canteen.

This day in History

Birthdates which occurred on November 18:
1789 Louis-Jacques-Mande Daguerre developed a method of photography
1810 Asa Gray Sauquoit NY, botanist (Flora of North America)
1832 Nils Adolf Erik Nordenskjold Sweden, Arctic explorer
1836 Maximo Gomez Banff, general (Cuba)
1836 William Schwenck Gilbert London, composer (Gilbert & Sullivan)
1869 James E Sullivan founder (Amateur Athletic Union)
1874 Clarence Shepard Day NYC, writer (Life with Father)
1881 Percy Lesueur hockey player/inventor (large goalie glove)
1882 Jacques Maritain France, Catholic philosopher (exponent of St Thomas)
1882 Wyndham Lewis English writer/painter (Tarr, Apes of God)
1889 Amelita Galli-Curci Italy, operatic soprano (Cave of the Winds)
1897 Jules Buffano St Louis MO, pianist (Jimmy Durante Show)
1898 Joris Ivens Nijmegen Netherlands, director (Rain)
1899 Eugene Ormandy (Blau) Budapest, Hungary, conductor (Philadelphia Orchestra)
19-- Herman Rarebell rock drummer (Scorpions-Wind of Change)
1900 Constantin Alajalov Russia, artist (Ditters & Jitters)
1900 Howard Thurman theologian/author (Deep River, Deep in the Hunger)
1901 George Gallup Jefferson Iowa, public opinion pollster (Gallup Poll)
1908 Imogene Coca Philadelphia PA, comedienne (Your Show of Shows, Grindl)
1909 Johnny Mercer Savannah GA, lyricist (Moon River, That Old Black Magic)
1912 Arthur Peterson Mandan ND, actor (Major-Soap, Crisis)
1919 Jocelyn Brando San Francisco, actress (Ugly American)
1921 Peter Pocklington NHL team owner (Edmonton Oilers)
1922 Marjorie Gestring US, springboard diver (Olympic-gold-1936)
1923 Alan B Shepard Jr East Derry NH, Rear Adm USN/astro (Merc 3, Ap 14)
1923 Ted Stevens (Sen-R-Alaska)
1926 Dorothy Collins Windsor Ontario, singer (Your Hit Parade)
1928 Mickey Mouse cartoon strip
1929 William (Pete) Knight X-15 pilot
1930 Sonja Ruthstrom Swed, cross country relay skier (Olympic-gold-1960)
1936 Hank Ballard Detroit, rocker (The Twist (pre Chubby Checker))
1938 Karl Schranz Austria, slalom (Olympic-1968)
1939 Brenda Vaccaro Brooklyn NY, actress (Cactus Flower, Sara, Paper Dolls)
1941 David Hemmings England, actor (Blow-up, Barbarella)
1942 Jeffrey Siegel Chicago IL, pianist (Chicago Symphony)
1942 Linda Evans Hartford, actress (Dynasty, Big Valley, Beach Blanket Bingo)
1943 Susan Sullivan NYC, actress (Having Babies, Falcon Crest)
1945 Glen Walken Astoria Queens, actor (Leave it to Larry)
1947 Jameson Parker Baltimore MD, actor (American Justice, Simon & Simon)
1948 Andrea Marcovicci NYC, actress (Gloria-Berrengers, Fran-Trapper John)
1948 Jack Tatum Cherryville NC, NFL defensive back (Raiders)
1949 Ted Sator Utica NY, NHL coach (NY Rangers, Buffalo Sabres)
1950 Elizabeth Perkins actress (About Last Night, Big)
1950 Graham Parker musician (Live Sparks, Mercury Poisoning)
1951 Mark N Brown Valparaiso In, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 28, STS 48)
1956 Tony Franklin NFL kicker (Philadelphia Eagles, New England Patriots)
1957 Jenny Burton NYC, rocker (Nobody Loves Me Like You Do)
1960 Kim Wilde England, rocker (You Keep Me Hanging On)
1961 Janice Lynn Kuehnemund St Paul MN, rocker (Vixen-Rev It Up)
1962 Kirk Hammett rock guitarist (Metallica-Helpless)
1966 Gwendolyn Hajek Shreveport La, playmate (September, 1987)
1969 Cheryl Bachman Jacksonville FL, playmate (October, 1991)
1973 Steve Christopher Petree Oklahoma, rocker (PC Quest-Can You See)

Deaths which occurred on November 18:

1886 Chester A Arthur (21st President), dies in NY at 56
1946 Donald Meek Glasgow Scotland, actor (Stage Fair, Stagecoach)
1962 Niels Bohr physicist who won the Nobel Prize in 1922, dies at 77
1969 Joseph P Kennedy dies in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, at 81
1970 Hal Dickinson singer (Modernaires), dies at 56
1978 Leo J Ryan (Rep-Cal) & 4 killed in Jonestown, Guyana by members of Peoples Temple, followed by ritual mass suicide of 912 member
1982 Donald Dillaway actor, dies at 78

On this day...
1307 William Tell shoots apple off his son's head
1421 Zuider Zee floods 72 villages, killing an estimated 10,000 in Netherlands
1497 Bartolomeu Dias discovers Cape of Good Hope
1755 Worst quake Massachusetts Bay area strikes Boston; no deaths report
1776 Hessians capture Fort Lee, NJ
1787 1st Unitarian minister in US ordained, Boston
1803 Battle of Vertieres, in which Haitians defeat French
1805 30 women meet at Mrs Silas Lee's home in Wiscasset, Maine, organizes Female Charitable Society, the first woman's club in America
1820 US Navy Captain Nathaniel B Palmer discovers Antarctica
1865 Mark Twain publishes "Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"
1874 National Woman's Christian Temperance Union organizes in Cleveland
1883 Standard time zones established by railroads in US & Canada
1889 Oahu Railway begins public service in Hawaii
1894 1st newspaper Sunday color comic section published (NY World)
1903 Hay-Bunau-Varilla Treaty gives US exclusive canal rights in Panama
1905 Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway
1909 US invades Nicaragua, later overthrows President Zelaya
1911 Britain's 1st seaplane flies
1911 The opera "Lobetanz" 1st American performance
1912 Albania declares independence from Turkey
1913 Lincoln Deachey performs 1st airplane loop-the-loop (San Diego)
1918 Latvia declares independence from Russia
1926 Pope Pius XI encyclical On the persecution of the Church in Mexico
1928 Walt Disney's Mickey Mouse debuts in NY in "Steamboat Willie"
1929 Large quake in Atlantic breaks Transatlantic cable in 28 places
1932 "Flowers & Trees" receives 1st Academy Award for a cartoon
1936 Germany & Italy recognized Spanish government of Francisco Franco
1936 Main span of Golden Gate Bridge joined
1940 George Matesky Mad Bomber's first time bomb
1943 1st US ambassador to Canada, Ray Atherton, nominated
1949 Jackie Robinson, Brooklyn Dodgers, named NL's MVP
1951 "See it Now" premieres on TV
1954 Yanks trade Woodling, Byrd, McDonald, Triandos, Miranada & Smith to Orioles for Turley, Larsen & Hunter as part of an 18 player deal
1955 Bell X-2 rocket plane taken up for 1st powered flight
1958 1st true reservoir in Jerusalem opens
1960 Copyright office issues its 10 millionth registration
1961 US Ranger 2 launched to Moon; failed
1964 J Edgar Hoover describes Martin Luther King as "most notorious liar"
1966 US RC bishops did away with rule against eating meat on Fridays
1967 British government devalues œ from US equivalent of $2.80 to $2.40
1970 Russia lands self propelled rover on the Moon
1975 Calvin Murphy (Houston) ends NBA free throw streak 58 games
1976 Spain's parliament establishes democracy after 37 years of dictatorship
1976 Yanks sign free agent Don Gullett
1980 "Heaven's Gate" premiers
1984 Devils shutout Rangers 6-0
1984 Flyers' Ron Sutter fails on 11th penalty shot against Islanders
1985 Enterprise (OV-101) flies from Kennedy Space Center to Dulles Airport Washington, DC, & turned over to the Smithsonian Institution
1985 Paul McCartney releases "Spies Like Us"
1987 31 die in a fire at King's Cross, London's busiest subway station
1990 NFL NY Giants beat Det Lions 20-0, to run 1990 record to 10-0
1990 Saddam offers to free an estimated 2,000 men held in Kuwait
1991 France deports Marlon's daughter Cheyenne Brando to Tahiti
1991 Muslim Shites release hostages Terry Waite & Thomas Sutherland

Holidays
Note: Some Holidays are only applicable on a given "day of the week"

Albania Independence Day 1912 :
Haiti : Army Day
YWCA : World Fellowship Day
US : National Children's Book Week Begins - - - - - ( Monday )
Morocco : Independence Day
Oman : National Day

Religious Observances
RC : Mem of Dedication of Basilicas of Peter & Paul, Rome (opt)
Ang : Feast of Hilda, Abbess of Whitby

Religious History
1095 Pope Urban II opened the Council of Clermont. Summoned to plan the First Crusade, it was attended by over 200 bishops. Among its official policies, the Council decreed that a pilgrimage to Jerusalem made every other penance superfluous.
1302 Pope Boniface VIII published the bull "Unam Sanctam." It was the first papal writing to decree that spiritual power took precedent over temporal power, and that subjection to the pope was necessary to salvation.
1626 In Rome, the newly completed St Peter's Basilica was consecrated by Urban VIII. St. Peter's is presently the largest church in Christendom, with a length of 619 feet.
1866 English devotional writer Katherine Hankey, 32, penned the verses that we sing today as the hymn, "I Love to Tell the Story."
1966 This was the last required meatless Friday for American Roman Catholics, in accordance with a decree made by Pope Paul VI earlier this year.

Thought for the day :
" If we were intended to talk more than we hear, we'd have two mouths and only one ear. "

Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.

1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.

1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945- We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
Now- We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia.

1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.

1945- We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning.
Now- We don't know what we are fighting for.

1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

You Know You Are A Military Brat If You

actually like the clothes at the BX and don't mind that 100 other people are wearing the same thing.

all your former very best friends are as long gone as your last move.

always wish you were back at the last place you were stationed, even 20 years later.

answer the question "Where are you from?" with "I'm kinda from all over the place."

are able to imitate others' speech patterns easily.

are amazed at people who have lived somewhere more than three years.

are amazed at people who have never left their hometown.

are amazed at people who have who have never seen foreign currency.

are amazed at people who think Frankfurt is a some kind of hotdog.

are asked "Where did you learn to speak English so well?".

are asked "Is it hard always moving around?" when you've never known anything different.

are brought to tears by military music.

are going to a grocery store, but call it a commissary.

are initially confused when asked where you are from, but quickly respond "Everywhere."

ask what they mean when someone asks where you are from.

at 22 you are trying to find someone in the military to marry so you can get a new I.D. card.

avoid visiting the doctor because you don't trust civilian hospitals.

bagged groceries at the commissary on payday.

can ask for a beer in most European languages.

can bounce a quarter off your bedsheets and have hospital corner on your bed.

can call up actual memories of a country while you're in Geography class.

can identify ranks and duty station by the stickers on the car's bumper.

cannot speak the language of the country in which you were born.

can recite all of the AFRTS commercials along with the television.

can remember ordering a Big Mac, fries, and a beer.

can still convert foreign currency in your head.

can talk to anyone and everyone from anywhere and everywhere.

can't convince a stateside cousin that your Japanese kimono doll REALLY came from Japan.

can't drink Budweiser without being coerced.

conceal your father's rank because once people find out he has stars they'll never treat you the same.

craved to have a class six ration card.

didn't save things so you wouldn't go over the weight allowance of the next move.

didn't see a TV till you were almost a teenager.

do not understand why many of your friends are afraid to be in an airplane.

don't believe it when someone tells you they never left their hometown.

don't feel quite right seeing military personnel younger than you.

don't really know how to answer the question "What is your home town?".

don't remember the names of your childhood friends.

draw a quick map of the world to show someone where you last lived.

enjoy seeing guys in fatigues on city streets.

ever got sick eating chocolate field rations.

every room you've ever had was stark white, and you couldn't put nail holes in the walls.

everyone complains about your name being the most scratched out in their address book.

everywhere you go, you think you see someone you went to school with.

expect someone else to do your housework, but can't afford it.

feared turning 21 because they would take your ID card away.

feel like you should be visiting the States rather than living in them.

feel more at home on a military base than in town even though you've been a civilian for 26years.

feel more comfortable living near a military base and get bummed-out when a base gets closed.

felt like a part of history that was happening around you.

find that you can easily amuse yourself for hours at airports, train or bus stations.

find yourself with friends throughout the world.

get frustrated when others talk about going to their hometown to see old friends, teachers, etc.

get nostalgic when seeing O.D. Green.

get the itch to move every 3-4 years and forever feel like the outsider in the civilian world.

give someone a break because they are in the military.

go into culture shock upon returning to the States.

got beer from the Limonade man at the kiosk.

got dressed up and played pranks at Fasching.

got grounded, restricted to quarters, or put on KP duty.

got in trouble on the train to Berlin for taking a picture.

graduated from a high school you only attended for a year.
had a dad who bought you a used SAM to play with.

had a father who was always telling to "police the area".

had a pup-tent in your yard until your parents found out what was going on in there.

had a supply of K-Rations that you traded with your friends.

had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in a mess hall.

had your introductory speech prepared and memorized for your first day at a new school.

had your school lunches planned and served by people wearing sergeant or private stripes.

have a collection of beer caps from everywhere.

have a very best lifelong friend whom you have known for less than a few years.

have been asked just where in NY "Apo" is.

have been hit on at the young age of 13 by men in uniform.

have driven four hours to Munich for the taste of a poorly done Big Mac.

have to explain that being born in Germany does not make you German.

have to explain why your SSN is from an APO, and your home of record and state of residence don't match.

have forgotten how to speak more languages than most people ever learn.

have USAA as your insurance company.

haven't seen your best friend since the last time Dad was transferred.

hear the sound of freedom when military aircraft fly by while civilians complain about the noise.

know exactly how horrible AFN commercials are.

inexplicably have the urge to move to a new place every year for no reason at all.

keep bumping into people all over the world who know friends that you haven't seen in years.

kept evac-backpacks by the front door with clothing and passports incase "IT" happened.

knew the rank and name of the kid next door's father before meeting the kid next door.

know how great it is to be able to return to base and your little slice of America.

know how to pack a footlocker.

know kilometers better than miles and celcius better than fahrenheit.

know that Radio Luxemborg was the number one way to keep up with the latest rock and roll hits.

know the words and tune to military march songs.

know what "the land of the big PX is."

know what a jump tower is and after a few beers - thought it made good sense to climb one.

know what Ami geh heim or knittle in die buxe means.

know what the "land of the round door knobs is".

know what the relative value of a pfenning, won, or yen is compared to the U.S. Dollar.

know about a variety of cultures.

left school frequently for bomb scares.

like institutional-style cooking and enjoyed going to the Mess Hall.

liked going shopping with mom for an hour and a first 10 years of your life.

made better grades in geography because you'd been to the places you were studying.

meet another military brat sometime somewhere and are instantly bonded.

miss shopping at AAFES or the PX.

most of your Scout camping equipment had US instead of BSA stamped on it.

most of your siblings were born in various foreign lands.

munched hot brotchen and gummies on the way to school.

name schools in three countries on two continents when asked what high school you attended.

never quite finished decorating your place because you knew you'd be moving soon.

noticed Tom Cruise in uniform, outside with no hat, and having a non-regulation haircut in Top Gun.

painted a picture on the Berlin Wall before it fell.

panic when you can't find your I.D. or passport.

played American Football at the schwim bad to impress the German girls.

polished your father's boots and brass for his upcoming inspection.

put your hand over your heart at 5 p.m. knowing the flag was coming down somewhere.

realize that the latest fashions in the States are not the same clothes you bought on base.

refer to being in the U.S. as "in the world."

remember following your favorite film as it made the rounds on the AAFES theater circuit.

remember being able to watch the Super Bowl or World Series live on TV at 2 am.

remember Chris Noel's dedication show on Armed Forces radio during the Vietnam war.

remember hanging out at the AYA.

remember the Saturday afternoon tank rides at Fort Hood.

say "Think OPSEC" to your friends so they will keep it secure, then realize it won't make sense to then.
start a major portion of your conversations with "When I was in..."

stand up and recite the national anthem at the start of movies.

still do yard detail!

still get the urge to pack up and move about every 22 months.

still look for your ID card after you've grown up.
stopped saying I used to live in Japan because people kept asking you if you spoke Chinese.

talk to someone with an accent and pick it up yourself.
tell everyone you are from a town that you haven't lived in since you were 4 years old.

the oldest friend you have is from your senior year of high school.

the term "combat loaded" refers to how the movers load the van.

think locals have such a limited perspective.

think of the fathers and mothers of your childhood neighbors by their rank.

think the US seems like a foreign country.

think you see old classmates on every corner, whether you are in Brussels, Bangkok, or Boise.

thought all doctors issued all purpose capsules for every ache and pain.

thought all pens had "US Government" printed on them.

thought aspirin came in 5,000 count bottles.

thought everyone slept under green or blue wool blankets that had "US" on them.

thought that a firing range made a great playground.

thought that the Quartermaster was the real Santa Claus.

thought vacations meant going stateside to visit the grandparents.

told civilian friends stateside where you lived, and they complimented your English.

try to remember to drive on the right side of the road.
try to take out your ID card when you enter a grocery store.

use words like "hit the deck", "visit the head" and "pogey bait".

used the federal warnings on your I.D. card to convince your cousins that you were a military agent.

waited every Saturday at noon for the alert sirens to go off.

went into hysterics when your grandparents thought of selling their house.

went out and found everybody leaving on Maneuvers.

went to school in a converted POW camp.

were born in an US occupied country and moved every 3 years.

were more interested in your new friend's father's rank than what color your friend was.

were pleased to find upon returning stateside that the locals spoke American.

still think of yourself as a yeoman after 20 years as a secretary.

battleship grey makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

can shine your military kid's brass better then he can.

come to the US, turn on the T.V., and notice that the shows are in English.

see a homeless person and somehow feel spiritually related.

your civilian boss has to ask you more than once not to say "Yes sir" and "No sir".

woke up to F-4's zooming overhead.

wonder if dad signed a hand receipt when you were born.

wondered who your new best friend would be as you enrolled in yet another school.

make things up about where you are from avoid the headaches of telling the whole long story.

are confused when your fiance talks about watching trees grow large in front of the house.

can recite which aircraft were in service in which era.

graduate from 12th grade and it's your 13th school .

have had your own punch card at the local Class VI store since you were 16

use Script or MPC's instead of green backs.

went on week-long field trips to England, France and Italy.
had been to every Gasthaus in Germany, both East and West, before you were 18.

your SSN, home of record, state of residence, and place of birth are far from matching.

know "transfer" means "pack your toys and say see ya later".

were in your late teens before you realized flashlight batteries came in any color but OD.

and your friends played army in an abandoned concentration camp.

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS AND VETERANS

Have a wonderful day all!

~~~deadhead~~~

Here's one from the haze-gray crowd:

Cannon Balls In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others? The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"

Some Aviation fun (unknown sources):

1. Blue water Navy truism; there are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

2. If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

3. Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

4. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

5. Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

6. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

7. Never trade luck for skill.

8. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?” "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

9. Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

10. Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

11. Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

12. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

13. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

14. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

15. Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

16. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

17. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

18. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

19. Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

20. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

21. A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

22. If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

23. If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

24. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

25. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

26. Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

27. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

28. The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

29. "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

30. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Now this will warm your heart.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, Army Rangers could blow his butt off."

aaarrgghh.. repost from 11/16...(see msg text)

I'm having some difficulty keeping up... is there a new canteen each am? And if so, when do we traditionally say Good Morning? I am a new FReeper and after I saw the canteen t'other day, I just want to scan, see what our services have to say, and toss in an irreverent comment or two. I appreciate the work you put into this post, since I see your moniker on so much of it and I have read how you moderate them all. If it helps for our folk in uniform out there, a whole lot of us day-to-day citizen types who look around and just say, "thank God for our guys and gals in uniform who do so much more than we can!"

Tom and Lily

For some of our Jarhead buddies:

Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Navy Chief opens the gate and asks, "Wadda you want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning."

They go to an old W.W.II receiving barracks, 3rd deck, open squad bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a Marine First Sergeant in dress blues, his Gold Parachute Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with a magnificent halo.

This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-at-Arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Marine who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?

The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 40 or 50 years, but we ain't never had a Marine First Sergeant before."

True story:

My Marine squadron spent some morale fund money to buy lumber, with the intent of building ourselves a deck next to our hangar for barbecues and that sort of thing.

However, when the lumber arrived, the Seabees waltzed right in and stole it! I was tasked with leading a mission to recover the goods.

We infiltrated the Seabee compound and located our lumber. Quickly, we began loading the truck. We were almost done when one of my flank scouts gave me the alert signal--someone approaching.

I thought quickly, and then ordered my Marines to start unloading the truck.

A SeaBee chief strolls up, looks at me, and asks, "Just what in the HELL do you idiots think you're doing?"

"Just unloading this here lumber, Chief."

"Not here, you don't! Get it gone NOW!"

"OK, Marines, you heard him--load it back up." The Marine comply with the appropriate amount of grousing and complaining about how certain somebodies (me) should find out where the lumber goes BEFORE unloading the truck.

Satisfied that he'd put a Marine in his place, the chief then left.

Inspection time at Ft. Jackson:

How'd you learn to get a rifle so clean, son?

My uncle taught me, sir.

Was your uncle in the Army?

No, sir - He was a MARINE!

Good evening! Well, i don't have any military jokes but I think our troops and Vets who have travelled abroad may have seen some of these:

"English" Notices Encountered Around the World

> > In a Tokyo Hotel:

> > > Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you > are not a person to do such > thing is please not to read notis.

> > > In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

> > > The lift is being fixed for the next day. During > that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

> > > In a Leipzig elevator:

> > > Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit > up.

> > > In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

> > > To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If > the cabin should enter more persons, each one should > press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then > going alphabetically by national order.

> > > In a Paris hotel elevator:

> > > Please leave your values at the front desk.

> > > In a hotel in Athens:>p> > > > Visitors are expected to complain at the office > between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

> > > In a Yugoslavian hotel:

> > > The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job > of the chambermaid.

> > > In a Japanese hotel:

> > > You are invited to take advantage of the > chambermaid.

> > > In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian > Orthodox monastery:

> > > You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous > Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers > are buried daily except Thursday.

> > > From the Soviet Weekly:

> > > There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 > Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were > executed over the past two years.

> > > In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

> > > Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of > repose in the boots of ascension.

> > > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

> > > Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

> > > On the menu of a Polish hotel:

> > > Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with > cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted > duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the > country people's fashion.

> > > Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

> > > Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

> > > In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

> > > Drop your trousers here for best results.

> > > Outside a Paris dress shop:

> > > Dresses for street walking.

> > > In a Rhodes tailor shop:

> > > Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will > execute customers in strict rotation.

> > > A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

> > > It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping > site that people of different sex, for instance, men > and women, live together in one tent unless they are > married with each other for that purpose.

> > > In a Zurich hotel:

> > > Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of > the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested > that the lobby be used for this purpose.

> > > In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

> > > Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

> > > In a Rome laundry:

> > > Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the > afternoon having a good time.

> > > In a Czechoslovakian travel agency:

> > > Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we > guarantee no miscarriages.

> > > Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

> > > Would you like to ride on your own ass?

> > > In a Bangkok temple:

> > > It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if > dressed as a man.

> > > In a Tokyo bar:

> > > Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

> > > In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

> > > We take your bags and send them in all directions.

> > > In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

> > > Ladies are requested not to have children in the > bar.

> > > In a Budapest zoo:

> > > Please do not feed the animals. If you have any > suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

> > > In a doctor's office in Rome:

> > > Specialist in women and other diseases.

> > > In a Vienna hotel:

> > > In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel > porter.

> > > On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:

> > > To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

> > > Written reply to accommodation request:

> > > "I am honorable to accept your impossible request. > Unhappy it is here have not bedroom with bath. > Bathroom with bed I have. Do not concern yourself > that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed."

> > > On the window of a Swedish furrier:

> > > Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

> > > On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

> > > Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

> > > Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:

> > > Stop: Drive Sideways.

> > > In a Tokyo shop:

> > > Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find > they are best in the long run.

> > > From a Japanese information booklet on using the > hotel air conditioner:

> > > Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of > warm in your room, please control yourself.

> > > From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

> > > When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the > horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

> > > Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

> > > English well talking. Here speeching American.

tennnnnnnnnSHUN !!!

Attention all Vets, all FReepers, and all non-whaco Lurkers . . .

Enthusiatically Salute the Almighty Creator God !!!

Now . . . Enthusiastically Salute President George W. Bush !!!

Then . . . Enthusiastically Salute Your Beautiful, Brilliant, Magnificent, Patriotic, Free Selves !!!

Oak Hay . . . At Ease !!! ;-))

They just commissioned our latest submarine.

Yep, the USS Monica, DD-36C.

Only goes down once, but it can stay down forever.

http://www.strangecosmos.com/view.asp?PicID=7018