Now Tim Allen Is a Racist Because He Doesn't Know How to Play Spades

pjmedia.com ^ | 6/12/2019 | Jim Treacher

[rktman]

Toy Story 4 is premiering next week, which means the stars are doing interviews to promote it, which means the Internet is picking apart every syllable to find something to be angry about. Outrage mining is America's #1 growth industry.

Here's a snippet from what appears to be a harmless, lighthearted celebrity interview:

"You don't know how to play Spades?"

"I'm gonna say I do, just 'cause I wanna move on."

I thought this was kind of funny because I don't know how to play Spades* either. I don't like card games in general, and when people talk about them, it all just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me. So Tim Allen cracked me up a little bit there.

But of course, that's my white privilege talking. I need to check it, because it's blinding me to what's really going on:

[PAR35]

Sounds like you were playing Hearts. 13 points for her. Unless you shoot the moon.

[Fiji Hill]

The Deck of Cards - Tex Ritter

The Red Deck of Cards--Red River Dave (1953)

The narrator explains how the Communists used cards to indoctrinate US POW's during the Korean War, telling them:

• The ace meant there is but one god--the state.

• The deuce stood for Lenin and Stalin

• The trey stood for the three religious superstitions that the Communists would eliminate--Protestantism, Catholiism and Judaism

• The four stood for the four corners of the earth where ther hammer and sickle would soon reign supreme

• The five stood for the five points in the red star of Communism

• The six stood for the six final wars America had luckily won--but that the Communists would win this present-day Cold War

• The seven stood for our seventh foolish day Sunday which we wasted on our Lord

• The eight stood for the eight hours a day we would have to spend learning to be "progressives"

• The nine stood for the cat of nine tails used to punish anyone caught praying

• The ten stood for the Ten Commandments, which are ten stupid rules that only capitalistic fools believe in

• The jack stood for Jesus Christ, a knave of uncertain birth

• The queen stood for Mary, his mother, who was not a virtuous woman

• The king stood for God, who does not exist--a dream, a fake, a joke

• The heart stood for Christ's blood, all shed in vain

• The diamond stood for the real precious jewel--the Communist Party

• The club stood for the weapon of repression with which they were beaten

• The spade stood for the tool with which they would dig their own graves

[rktman]

I didnt see “Boo-ray” mentioned yet. Did i miss it? Cajuns?

[Keyhopper]

Just came back from Alaska. Made some money playing poker on the cruise. First time I came home from vacation with more money than when I left.

[LeoTDB69]

“Hearts is more fun.”

Yep. And if you don’t know how to play Hearts you’d be a hater.

[MayflowerMadam]

Yeah... that story’s been around for decades. Cute.

Still, the possibility of someone looking through the parsonage window and seeing the family playing cards was NOT going to happen.

[Boogieman]

It’s basically a ghetto, simplified version of Bridge.

I made some good money in HS hustling the black guys in my homeroom at Spades. They never suspected a white kid would know how to play it better than them, but if you can play Bridge, Spades is easy mode.

[Boogieman]

A 10 year old?

[Texas resident]

While I was in school, we played 42. A domino game.

If you want to see something actually racist, look up the game Ghettolopy. It was on the market for a short time.

[unread]

"Tonk......"

I like tonk... That was the game of choice at lunch time down at the plant... :)

[Boogieman]

Yeah, you can play 2 man bridge but it’s not really the same. It is one of the most fun games to play though, if you can find 3 other people who know what they are doing.

[be-baw]

In that kind of setting what game(s) did you play? I’ve only played poker with friends and the dealer got to call the game. We had some doozies...Indian poker being one.

[Texas resident]

Damn, I forgot about Tonk. I played that with a couple of old black guys while working for the state highway department one summer. We also scrounged for copper and other metals and sold it on Fridays for weekend beer money.
I was on a crew that picked up trash and dead animals off the roads.

[Tucker39]

Hillary is the Queen of Spades, AKA “The B!t(h”.

[Tucker39]

Yes. That’s Spades. But we only knew her as The (plain old) Bitch.

[Fast Moving Angel]

Last time I tried to play spades, I got hit with a shovel.

[bgill]

We played Spades and Hearts a bazillion times at college. Stage band tour. Finals. Friday midnight at the all night diner that served the best hot chocolate and pecan waffles.

[Chode]

kinda like hearts

[Keyhopper]

Texas holdem

[bagster]

Spades. The number one game of convicts.