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SATIRE Elizabeth Warren Claims Two Men In Colonial Outfits Assaulted Her With Smallpox-Infested Blan
Babylon Bee ^ | February 19 2019

Posted on 02/23/2019 10:08:55 AM PST by knighthawk

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement to D.C. police given Tuesday, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren claimed that two men in colonial outfits accosted her on the street and assaulted her with smallpox-infected blankets.

Warren claimed she was simply on her evening walk with her favorite peyote blend when the two men leaped out of the bushes, fired a round, spent several minutes reloading their muzzle-loading rifles, fired again, and then hollered "battle cries" as they hurled smallpox-infested blankets at her.

"The men fired muskets at me, threw several blankets infested with smallpox in my general direction, and told me this was colonial country," she said, holding back tears. "They told me to go back to my reservation and that I wasn't welcome here."

According to Warren, the men stuck a feather in her hair and then called her "macaroni" before dancing around her in a mock Native American rain dance.

"It is just despicable to me that in 2019 a woman can still be targeted for lynching because of her .0001% Indian heritage," she said in a press conference. "This is Trump's America, people."

Police quickly poked holes in Warren's story, such as the fact that she never dropped her peace pipe throughout the ordeal and that she left the smallpox blankets and mock Indian headdress on herself as she walked to the police department to make her statement.


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; chat; notnews; satire; warren
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1 posted on 02/23/2019 10:08:55 AM PST by knighthawk
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To: knighthawk

Laugh of the day, thank you!


2 posted on 02/23/2019 10:11:57 AM PST by scottinoc
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To: knighthawk
LOL! Thanks for the laugh!!🤣🤣😀
3 posted on 02/23/2019 10:12:18 AM PST by Impala64ssa (Virtue signalling is no virtue)
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To: knighthawk

That is pretty good, enjoyed it.


4 posted on 02/23/2019 10:15:31 AM PST by Captain Peter Blood
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To: knighthawk

The BEE. Next she’ll say someone dressed like Mohatma Ghandi accosted her. ;-)


5 posted on 02/23/2019 10:16:22 AM PST by rktman ( #My2ndAmend! ----- Enlisted in the Navy in '67 to protect folks rights to strip my rights. WTH?)
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To: knighthawk

(Snicker, snicker)


6 posted on 02/23/2019 10:17:33 AM PST by RedMonqey ("Those who turn their arms in for plowshares will be doing the plowing for those who didn't.")
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To: knighthawk

Ha! This is the funniest thing I’ve read from the BB. ILTIS


7 posted on 02/23/2019 10:17:41 AM PST by Sirius Lee (In God We Trust, In Trump We MAGA)
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To: knighthawk

Has Snopes “fack cheked” this yet?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJwJg1K0axM


8 posted on 02/23/2019 10:19:40 AM PST by GraceG ("If I post an AWESOME MEME, STEAL IT! JUST RE-POST IT IN TWO PLACES PLEASE")
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To: knighthawk

LOL!


9 posted on 02/23/2019 10:20:46 AM PST by BlackAdderess (When anyone can be fired at any time with the magic of Photoshop anyone can be blackmailed)
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To: knighthawk

Great stuff.


10 posted on 02/23/2019 10:21:26 AM PST by arrogantsob (See "Chaos and Mayhem" at Amazon.com)
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To: knighthawk

One of the charges will be the plagiarism of a script. Also, I think, the violation of an ordinance that forbids street theater.


11 posted on 02/23/2019 10:22:44 AM PST by jonrick46 (Cultural Marxism is the cult of the Left waiting for the Mothership.)
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To: knighthawk
What a clever article that was! My sources in the Warren campaign tell me that after she read this article, Liz grabbed a beer to calm herself down.


12 posted on 02/23/2019 10:26:01 AM PST by Leaning Right (I have already previewed or do not wish to preview this composition.)
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To: Leaning Right

Lizzie only sucked on an empty bottle and that was not even her kitchen, with the Negro figurine eating watermelon.

Any woman I know who likes beer pours it into a glass.


13 posted on 02/23/2019 10:46:07 AM PST by elcid1970 (My gun safe is saying, "Room for one more, honey!")
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To: knighthawk

They were only throwing the blankets at 1/1024th of her.


14 posted on 02/23/2019 10:48:16 AM PST by GaryCrow
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To: knighthawk

Writer should have used the /s tag.


15 posted on 02/23/2019 10:58:58 AM PST by sanjuanbob
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To: knighthawk

This is awesome. Not usually a fan of these kind of things, but the headline is great, and the story itself is really good as well.


16 posted on 02/23/2019 11:05:22 AM PST by Bruce Campbells Chin
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To: knighthawk

I hope the check clears. Did the colonials fly back to Siberia after the attack?


17 posted on 02/23/2019 11:12:49 AM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: knighthawk

And this is my Cheshire Cat face............:-)


18 posted on 02/23/2019 11:16:37 AM PST by Sacajaweau
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To: elcid1970

“Any woman I know who likes beer pours it into a glass.”

Yep, that’s what I do. ‘Cause otherwise there isn’t enough room for a shot of bourbon.


19 posted on 02/23/2019 11:33:37 AM PST by Twotone
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To: knighthawk

Back in colonial days, they wore “Make America Great” hats, since America had not yet become great. Wonder if they were wearing them?


20 posted on 02/23/2019 11:41:58 AM PST by The_Media_never_lie ("The MSM is the enemy of the American people"...Democrat Pat Caddell)
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