Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
Did you hear the one about the guy who had a dog with no legs and everyday he took it out for a scrape?
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
Thread winner! LOL
LOL funny
Bumping and marking for Rodney Dangerfield!
Two snakes are slithering along when the first one says, “Hey, are we poisonous?”
“No”, says the second snake.
“Oh good”, says the first snake, “because I just bit my tongue”.
Sr. wakes up after surgery in his bed in his room and sees the doctors standing around his bed.
Bush: "Morning Doc.How did it go? Are my testicles black?
The docs looked at each other and back at Sr. "Uh..what?"
Bush Sr groggily: "Are my testicles black?"
The docs look around again and back at Sr.
Sr. says clearly "Doc! Are my test results back?"
The room erupts in laughter.
A long one, lyrics to the song “The Sick Note.”
Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.
Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn’t very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.
Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.
And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.
Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.
The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.
I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn’t got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.
Listen to it here......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A
As he steps onto the wooden sidewalk, ready to quench his dry throat, a young cowboy stumbles out of the saloon, pistols drawn. He looks at the old miner and says
"Hey old man! You ever dance before!"
The old man shakes his head no and the drunken cowboy starts firing away at the miners feet.
The miner is dancing all around the dusty street to avoid the bullets ricocheting off the ground. They cowboy is laughing as he fires round after round.
Finally he expends all 12 rounds "click, click,click"
The cowboy laughs
"Well now you have old timer!" and turns to walk away.
the miner walks over to his donkey and pulls out a double barrel shotgun and points it toward the cowboy's turned back. He cocks the gun as the crowd in the street watches. The cowboy turn slowly and is looking down the barrell all the pride drained from his face.
the miner asks "You ever kissed a donkeys ass before?"
Cowboy responds "No sir but I have been meaning to give that a try"
The Englishman, the Frenchman, the Mexican & the Texan. LOL! Also, don’t mess with Texas.
A little old redneck was walking across the Cooper River bridge in Charleston SC when he spotted a man perched at the highest point of the span walkway, obviously contemplating suicide.
The redneck approached carefully and said, “Mister, there ain’t no need fer y’all to go & do something like that!”
“I have nothing left to live for.”
“Well, cain’t you live fer the sake of your wife?”
“My wife divorced me.”
“Cain’t you live fer the sake of your kids?”
“My children left with my ex and I never hear from them.”
“Well, cain’t you live fer the sake of your country?”
“I lost my job, I have no money, and I’m too old to enlist.”
The redneck was now desperate for ways to dissuade the man from suicide, so he stood back, removed his cap and placed it over his heart, and said with deep feeling,
“Well now, you can at least live for the sake of the memory of General Robert E. Lee!”
“Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
“JUMP, YOU NO GOOD YANKEE S.O.B.!!!”
;^)
She kept throwing the "W's" away.
To quote Larry the Cable Guy.....
“It’s better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it.”
AND.....(not from Larry)
A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim were riding a train across the great plains. The cowboy seemed to be sleeping with his hat pulled down over his face. The Indian and the Muslim were talking.
The Indian said, “We once ruled this land as far as the eye can see. Once we were many, now we are few.”
The Muslim replied, “Now we are few, but soon we will be many. And WE will rule this land.”
The cowboy tipped his hat back and said, “Yeah, but we ain’t played cowboys and Muslims yet!”
His partner grabs his cell phone, finds a place a few yards away where he has a signal, and dials 911.
"911. What is your emergency?"
The guy is panicked and starts babbling into the phone, "I'm out hunting off Old Mill Road when my friend keeled over with a heart attack. I think he's dead!"
The 911 operator tries to calm the man down. "Take it easy, sir. We need to calm down and work out the situation. First, check your friend and make sure he is really dead."
The operator hears the guy set the phone down, then the crunch of leaves as he walks to his friend. Suddenly he hears a gunshot and the sound of the man returning to the phone.
"OK. Now what?"
Ah, yes, the day I was born. It was a partly cloudy day with light winds out of the west. WWhen we got home, I could tell the neighbor had just mowed his lawn but hadn’t swept the sidewalk, which I could tell didn’t sit well with my mom. As we got home, my dad turned on the television just as Cronkite was signing off.
However, what I can’t remember is ever having a second date with any women.
:)
Blond walks in to see her boss. There is a Thermos bottle on his desk. “What’s that?”, she asks.
“That’s a Thermos bottle. It keeeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Next day, she has a Thermos bottle too. The boss asks, “What’s in it”.
She proudly says, “Hot tea and a popsicle”
“What do you mean? I be fine.”
“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.
”We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook , and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“One day when we were at sea some seagulls were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them seagulls crapped in me eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird poop!”
“Aye, but you see it was me first day with the hook.”
The blonde puts in a dollar bill and presses the button for "Coke." Out pops a can of Coke and 50 cents change. A man approaches and kindly waits his turn to use the vending machine.
The blonde then puts another dollar bill into the slot and, slightly hesitating, presses the "Pepsi" button. Out pops a can of Pepsi and 50 cents change.
The blonde then rummages through her purse. She pulls out anouther dollar bill and slips it into the vending machine. The blonde pauses for several seconds before making a selection. The man behind her sighs aloud. Paying no attention to the man's impatience, the blonde selects "Mountain Dew." Out pops a can of Mountain Dew and 50 cents change.
The blonde then searches through her purse again and finally finds another dollar bill. She puts it into the vending machine, taking a while to decide which button to push. After a minute or so, the man behind her asks, "Ma'am, how much longer will you be at this machine"?
The blonde turned around and said, "Well...duh!...can't you see I'm winning."
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